Just wanted to check in on you and see how you are holding up. It is so sad when they can't even think of the kids. Just keep staying strong and focusing on the time with your kids.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks for stopping by. I am ok right now, but is changeover day (I am not with k's for next 4) and that is tough.
Had an interesting conv with a good friend who was talking to one of W's EGF. Some of the more interesting comments: * W thinks I am being a "disneyland" dad (am not doing anything different than normal - W thought I was cheap before). Also feel I need to be more disciplinarian with the kids. * W is an "emotional wreck". * W doesn't regret what she has done / is doing. * W is pi$$ed at me for not following through and procrastinating such as with listing our house for sale (hey, her D, she can do whatever; I am not bending over backwards. Besides, I am leaning toward keeping the house). * W didn't know what she was getting herself into with D; thought it could be over in a day (very Hollywood IMO). * Sad for k's - they need "firmer boundaries" from me (??) and a "stable", "non-angry" mom.
Anyway - for what it is worth. Thoughts appreciated as always.
(Apologies if terrible misspellings - damn BB).
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
Sounds like reality is jumping up and biting her in the butt. Of course she's going to grab on to anything she can that you're doing/not doing to justify.
Not sure if you're still interested in making it work or not, but I'll share a quick story.
One of my peers in our company told me a story a week ago. His W had an A and left him and their daughters. Two weeks before the D was final, she came to him and wanted to reconcile. He refused. They divorced, she married OM, within a couple years OM was cheating on his ex and she's miserable. He married another lady and is completely happy. But here's the kicker. He said, "I should have given our marriage another chance. I still love her and it was just my ego that said no. Splitting kids on holiday's and such is hard. And every marriage has problems." He told me this to tell me he thought it was good that I was trying my hardest to make my marriage work.
Food for thought.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
He married another lady and is completely happy. But here's the kicker. He said, "I should have given our marriage another chance. I still love her and it was just my ego that said no.
Makes one wonder how he could be "completely" happy if he still loves his first wife, doesn't it? Maybe it is like some have said, that there are different types of loves. Maybe he is happy with second wife and loves her, but not in the same sence he loved his first wife. I think we can love people and yet they can make us miserable. Perhaps that is the kicker. Perhaps we have to make the decision if it will forever be that way or not.
I do believe our "ego" is the biggest thing that gets in the way where reconciling, forgiveness, etc. is concerned. So sad to think how many people have lost the love of their life simply b/c of their ego.
Hi, LIS.....just dropping in for a bit since it has been a while. I have to hand it to you and H4U that you guys have really hung in there a long time. I know you must be weary. Hope you are taking care of yourself.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
{{{LIS}}} Glad you updated again! My mom said something interesting to me when these kind of convos would come up with my hub, she said a lot of times we "project" or say something about the other person when really it's something we see or don't like in ourselves..that could be what is going on here??
I'm glad YOU are doing okay and hang in there!!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
* W thinks I am being a "disneyland" dad (am not doing anything different than normal - W thought I was cheap before). Also feel I need to be more disciplinarian with the kids.
I bet you HAVE gotten closer to the kids. Everyone holds on tight to those that are dear to them when they are hurting. You know those kiddos are going through a lot with all of this, so you are doing more with them. All understandable. Not sure about the discipline. Are your kids in need of it lately?
* W is an "emotional wreck".
Of course she is, she's breaking up a family. It's what she should have expected.
* W doesn't regret what she has done / is doing.
If she says she regrets it, that would mean it is her fault. If she divorces you, she wants it to be all your fault. Otherwise, how could she look at herself in the mirror?
* W is pi$$ed at me for not following through and procrastinating such as with listing our house for sale (hey, her D, she can do whatever; I am not bending over backwards. Besides, I am leaning toward keeping the house).
The quicker this is done, the quicker she can try to forget about it and make it all about how you wrecked the marriage. By stalling, you make her have to think about stuff. She doesn't want to.
* W didn't know what she was getting herself into with D; thought it could be over in a day (very Hollywood IMO).
I don't think anyone truly realizes the devastation of the divorce process until you go through it. So many people are divorcing that you think it can't be all that awful. But, it is. And, again, she wants to "throw away the marriage" and forget about it. This time and effort makes her have to face things. She doesn't want to.
* Sad for k's - they need "firmer boundaries" from me (??) and a "stable", "non-angry" mom.
What boundaries does she think you need to be giving them? You have no control over her stability and happiness. That's all her. She doesn't realize that yet. It took me a LONG time to realize that no one person can make me happy. That's up to me.
((((Lost)))) Shes delusional...still. Its SO much cleaner to blame it on you and you aren't cooperating. Shes got a lot of growing up to do. When you realize that things don't go your way, 99.9% of the time AND you are already out of Jr. High this equals everything and everyone sucks. Shes a spoiled brat and because she actually has to do things the grown up way, this is the equivalent of a temper tantrum.
Sounds like you and the kids are doing better. Just wanted to let you know I'm still reading.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
