Am I eternally hopeful or in denial....?

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, I finally locked a thread! I'm not a virgin anymore!!!

My previous threads are....

Thread 1
Thread 2
Thread 3
Thread 4

Thanks for vote of confidence in me, beginnersmind, from the end of my last thread. I am hoping that the new living space will give me a new and better perspective.

I am worried about my S17. He skipped school AGAIN today. I talked alot about him today in my IC session. I had a thought that perhaps he might actually be suffering from depression, so I did several questionairs in my books on depression with him tonight, and they show that he is VERY depressed. He absolutely refuses to entertain the idea of ADs though........so much like his Dad. "I'm not taking a pill to fix a problem!"

I e-mailed H telling him about my discussion with C and what I thought. I hope he is supportive, and doesn't just brush the idea aside saying S is "just lazy".

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, H replied to my e-mail about S17. He was pretty supportive of the possible depression issue, but still thinks we need to take away his computer, ps2.....H also said that he though his leaving would help with the power struggles he gets into with S17 (yep, he's justifying....). Anyway, I sent the following reply....

As for your leaving showing him there is no power to struggle over, I heartily disagree. You are his father and he loves you and therefore your relationship with him will always have a big influence on him. I understand your desire to justify your choices, and I believe you are sincerely trying to do the right thing for your happiness. However, you should understand very clearly that the kids and I do not agree with your choices, although we do want your happiness as well. The truth is that we have always taught our children about the importance of commitment and family, and leaving your family and wanting to "carry your own bucket" flies in the face of that. I'm sorry and I know that hurts you, and again, I really do know that you are sincerely trying to do what you think is right for you, but I just mean that you need to accept the fact that there is a glaring contradiction between your words and your actions, and while S17 loves you and wants your happiness, he is very much disappointed in your choices and feels he has lost the genuine respect that he once had for you. Those are his words, not mine.

Please know that I do not say any of this to make you feel guilty or score points off you in any way. I know that you are struggling within yourself and, indeed, I often wonder if deep down some of your desire to "carry your own bucket" is because you feel to much guilt already. I know you have always expected a lot from yourself, and with all the challenges we've had in our lives with D24 and all, I'm sure that, like me, you have often felt inadequate, and perhaps it's understandable that your "tank" now feels "empty". I know that that is "analyzing" you and that is not my role. I also know that you have to follow your own star and I love you enough to support you in doing that (although I may not like you right now). It's also true that I still believe that you are a good man and I am a good woman and we could build a happy life together if we both wanted to. And, in all honesty, I do hope that your journey leads you back home to me. However, having said all that, I sincerely am not sorry that you left because I have grown a lot in this time and I now know that I am strong and capable, and I do love you enough to let you go if that is your ultimate choice. I sincerely do want your happiness.

I also want you to know that I have talked a LOT with S17 lately and I feel that we are developing a real bond, and I am really looking forward to spending some good time with him during the next year. I will look forward to talking more about this with you. Be assured too that in my discussions with S17, I tell him often that you do love him very much and only want the best for him!

Take care.

So, 2x4's anyone?

[Babygirl]

not from me my friend, its beautifuly written, sincere and really good, thats just what i think.
love you sweetie.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, BG!!

H hasn't replied, so I'm nervous. We've had a problem a couple of times about e-mails not making it through to him.......he's very busy so I think he accidentally deletes them sometimes. But I don't want to ask if he received it because that sounds needy! And he's picking me up tonight to ride home so he can help me with getting my computer set up in my new apartment.

So, if he doesn't mention it, should I ask if he received it? If he says "No, what did it say?" then I'm going to feel like a schlub!!

[Babygirl]

if he doesnt mention it, you could casually ask him, then i would say oh, i will just resend it later, THATS what i would do. but you and me lol we are crazy hehehehehe! jk.

[Silent Chrleader]

Oh, I like that answer. It's simple. I can do that! I can never think of the right thing to say in the moment! But, I'm johnny on the spot and full of wit an hour or two after I've put my foot in my mouth!

[Babygirl]

simple is good sweetie. WE are alike lol, so i put my foot in my mouth too.

i am doing an email too right now. ugh, its said that is what your and my life has come too.

[Silent Chrleader]

Are ya' gonna post it on your thread for critique?

[Babygirl]

no sis i am not. what i have to say, i need to say. and after today with talking with my exh w, about my kids, and what they have said there about this whole sitch, i am just gonna send it. for once in my life, i really dont give a F what he thinks or feels after i send it. they believed him in it was just us he doesnt want anything with her, they dont know he is confused, i guess H and Xh talked about it and h told X he was conflicted, exh h made a comment to the kids, that H was conflicted and that this past weekend could have been a lie. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey,

Is you ex that trustworthy? And even if so, remember guys talking to guys is not exactly reliable! Remember, don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see? Well, that would go double for guys talking to guys! Especially if they've both been married to the same woman.

That's MHO anyway. Remember your H was backed into a corner by your well meaning MIL, and of course men come out of those situations swinging blindly! So your H's testosterone is on a high anyway right now. Get more testrosterone in a room together.......not pretty!

So, please don't let it get to ya' too much! I still think the fact that he sneaks in to sleep is perhaps telling. Even if he doesn't completely believe it yet, I think he knows where he belongs!

((((((hugs))))))