I have a suggestion for you in regards to finances. Look into Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. My church offered it a few months ago and on average, people retired over $3k in debt and some saved a comparable amount--in a 13 week period. Everyone I spoke to said that they felt it was completely worth it and will recommend it to everyone they know who is struggling financially. I am looking at joining the next session that starts the end of June.
Other than that, I reiterate what FH said--patience.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
My W always wanted me to put her on a budget. I thought I was doing the "cool" thing by letting her go on without one. I was wrong on that one. I think now that she wanted to be more involved so that she could have more control of her own life.
Is there a way you could involve your STBW in the overall finances? Could it be something you do together? What if she could gain some comfort in the understanding and you could get some help? Seems from out here that an open dialogue about money could remove a lot of your stress.
L.
In some ways you are getting that second chance. Bless you and your family.
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
There is a saying in the Bible that if one is to find life, he must first lose it. It seems like this journey of reconciliation is about two things - learning to save yourself by GAL and learning to die to self - to love unconditionally even when you are hurting. To deny your emotions and do what is necessary to make the other person happy. Only then can you really free yourself to enjoy the ultimate emotions of joy, happiness, excitement, etc.
Sorry for speaking in such vague generalities. Right now I am hurting really bad and I am finding myself once again having to come to that place of unconditional love and surrender. Today is my W's best friend birthday. She, a girl friend of hers, our daughter and her best friend went out to eat. For those that haven't read all my story - her best friend is a guy who she brought a house with shortly after we divorce. He doesn't like me at all and after what I put my family through - I can't blame him. So of course I wasn't invited to the dinner.
When my W was driving home, she called and told me how the dinner went. I made the comment about how her girl friend got to go but I didn't. I said that in a playful way - but she got very upset and told me that she is tired of me making comments like that. I told her that I didn't mean anything of it and that I was really trying to just express how much I miss her. She got real cold towards me. I got on the defensive and told her that I love her and that I wish she would give me the benefit of the doubt rather than suggest that I was trying to make some bitter comment about her friend. I told her that I understand why she doesn't trust me but that I am trying to do everything I can to make our relationship work. She then brought up how I left the marriage and that all this mess was my fault. She then hung up and hasn't call me since. I called her back and left a message - apologizing and telling her I understand why she felt that way.
Right now I just feel like crap. I understand why my W would feel that I am belittling her best friend. I honestly had no intention, but she kept bringing up the past, how I would make comments about her friend while we were married. The truth is, it does bother me somewhat and I do my best to keep that inside of me. It really hurts, but the reality is that her best friend was more of a father to our daughter than I was for the first 2-3 years of our daughter's life. I am trying my hardest to make things right and it hurts so much to know that I screwed up our marriage. I am glad that we are trying to make it work out, but I know that she is still hurting from what I did and that little comments like the one I made are a sensitive topic that brings up a lot of bad memories. I am crying so much right now. She told me that I need to stop being so pushy and that I will never be allowed to go out with her best friend and her together. Ironically, her best friend treats her like crap and they are always arguing. Her best friend the other day was drunk and started to tell my daughter that I was a loser, gay and other mean comments. He really hates my guts - especially since he cannot afford the house on his own and will most likely have to sell it. The other day she and him got into a huge argument and my W and D ended up staying at my place for the weekend (which was really nice, since it was the first time since the divorce where I got to hold her while we sleep).
The thing is that tonight my W made me feel like I didn't care about her and nothing could be farther from the truth. She told me that I was still the same person that left and I got defensive. I told her that I have sacrificed and done everything I can to try to make things right. That what else does she want me to do to prove to her that I am not the same person.
In retrospective, I should have recognized that any comments about her best friend should be kept to myself and that I should avoid "DEER" (defend, excuse, explain and rationalized). This is also a wake up call that I must be more patience. She has a lot of healing to go through and I need to understand that trust is going to take time to rebuild. I also need to take better care of myself - to keep doing those things that got us reconciled in the first place. I must admit that I have slacked on some of my DB principles - something which must never stop - especially after we get married. I haven't exercised in about almost 2 months and haven't really focused on what I can do to make myself a better person. Ah, what a paradox - to save the marriage you must first save yourself.
I cannot tell you how much I felt like giving up tonight. But I am never letting go. This just shows that I have a lot of work to do on myself and need to be more sensitive to my wife's feelings - to be a better listener without getting defensive or trying to turn the tables around.
That said, tonight is going to be a crappy night. Tomorrow I am going with my W to visit her brother. My W wants me to give her brother some tax advice.
FaithfulH, I can sure use your words of wisdom right now. Breton39, hope you are doing well. Thanks again to everyone else who has helped and continue to help me get through all this.
I wish I could give you an easy way out....or even something you haven't thought of.....but, I have to tell you that you actually have VERY GOOD insight into your own sitch....AFTER you mess up. The key is to prepare yourself so you don't mess up in the first place. For example, your W's friend's birthday surely was not a surprise...and you were probably very aware of it being potentially painful for you to deal with...so, why would you even make a "joking" comment about not being invited? You know that you were hoping your W would say, "Oh, LNMW, I didn't realize you wanted to join us....how inconsiderate of me!" Yeah, it sounds ridiculous huh? Not gonna happen! Your own advice to yourself is the best....exercise, GAL, go back to core DBing....forever! You cannot let your happiness rise and fall with your W's actions. You MUST be strong....100% trustworthy....for now. There will come a day when your W will comfort you....but, it is far further in the future than you realize or would want it to be. When you said your W has more healing to do....that is true....but SO DO YOU! It is never just about our spouses.....and in many of our cases it may be WAY MORE ABOUT US....and our healing than we realize. The good news....we don't how have to worry about this....we deal with only what we can control....and let God have the rest! You are doing great! Even though I'm in Dallas except for every other weekend....I'm still counting on that wedding invitation....SOON! LOL! Keep it up!
I am home with my lovely W and kids this weekend....today is my daughter's 22nd birthday and tomorrow is our 29th wedding anniversary! Trust me when I say that everything you are going through is WORTH IT....and the payoff is HUGE!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
There will come a day when your W will comfort you....but, it is far further in the future than you realize or would want it to be.
That statement is so true. In every relationship both parties have needs and expectations, but now is not the time for me to be expressing my needs. My focus must still be on her happiness and her needs, on building trust and demonstrating to her that I have change. I think there is where the challenge is. I so much want us to be closer, more affectionate and more open. But I know that that is not going to happen overnight. Unfortunately, I cannot act as if the past didn't happen, so I must continue to be consistent and trustworthy - knowing that one day she will come around.
Quote:
You cannot let your happiness rise and fall with your W's actions.
My happiness has been correlated on my wife's happiness and that is not a good thing. Yet, it is so hard for it not to affect me. I'm a pretty simple guy. I like to read, have good conversation over dinner and simply relax. By nature I'm an introvert. I like my work and find it more like play rather than work. Apart from that, nothing really matters much to me other than my wife and daughter.
I feel lost right now and I know that I must stick it through. About midway through this DB process, my wife and I were having good conversation and I felt like we were getting closer. Things feel stagnant right now - almost as if there is no chemistry b/t us. I don't want to have a mediocre marriage, but right now I feel like I am putting in all the effort. I've made suggestions to do things like date night or will say something like "I love you" or "I miss you" She either blows it off or says something like "whatever."
I feel so frustrated right now. More than anything I want my wife and I to be connected, to really be loving and affectionate towards each other. I felt like we were moving towards that direction, but things just seem to be a halt at the moment. And yet she will say things like "so, when are you going to propose"
Well, I will write latter. Thanks again FaithfulH for all your advice. I know that this is just a stage I must endure, it's just frustrating sometimes.
I felt like we were moving towards that direction, but things just seem to be a halt at the moment. And yet she will say things like "so, when are you going to propose"
So, when ARE you? Are you romancing her in the way SHE desires to be romanced? You talked about what YOU like....are you clear on what SHE likes? I hate to use the over-used term...but, are you speaking HER love language? Keep it up....be patient....you are right when you acknowledge that this will take time.
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Hey LNMW, dude, you overcame some pretty hefty odds the first time. Your original story is something else. It keeps my own hopes alive and I'm sure others here too. That said, sorry about your setback. I'm one of the last people here to be giving advice, but maybe let things cool down for awhile. I have not read this whole thread yet so I'm not completely up on your current.
That's really beautiful. I am in a similar situation to yours with my wife, and oddly am finding it to be a cleansing experience for my heart--helping me learn to be really selfless and unconditionally loving to her and our baby boy.
