If you are not ready to get D, then why are you? Why do you have to go through with it now even though you filed? Is there no way to adjourn? Are you required by law to go through with it now? Again, unless you are more sure that you want the D than unsure, then by all means go ahead. Otherwise, what's the rush?
I do think though that if you do adjourn that you should not tell your H that you put it off to work on the M. Let that be between you and your L. Also, I would advise putting off the D only if you will try to do something different. You said that once you are D that you will do everything to do N/C with him, then why not try that before the D? You will have to do it anyway when you get D so why not do a dress rehearsal first? It would make it easier to do NC after the D anyway.
Just a thought.
And yes, it's crazy how as a society we do not value marriage even more. People are able to enter and exit marriages so easily - no training, no counseling. I read somewhere that it is easier to get married than it is to become a plummer. Crazy. As a society we have little morals and family values so its no wonder our spouses are so cavalier about marriage too.
I figured that since the D is almost final, what reason would I have that I could give H for stopping it? I can still stop the D. All I have to do is go in front of the judge next week and tell him that I don't want it or I could tell my L to stop it. But if I do that I think H will be furious at me.
I mean, sometimes he acts as though he doesn't want the D and has made the statement a time or two that "I" was that one who wanted the D, not him.
But I think he has accepted the fact that it is going to happen and seems to really have no problem with that. It is just me....I feel deep down that this is not the right thing to do. It makes me feel so empty when I think about the fact that the "ending" is here.
As far as the N/C now....H has been calling. I have kept it short and I always end the call. It is his day/night with D7. Anymore that is the only time I talk to him. He doen't call to really chit chat anymore. He is still playful when we have to see each other and still talks at that time but not so much calling now.
I stay stop the D!! Why not?? What do you have to lose? It might just show your H that even though you started it you really don't want it. Even if he is furious, be humble and let him know that you love him and want this madness to stop. You can't end up any worse than you already are. Pray!!
It is great to see you back and to hear that things are going well for you. I am so happy for you:))
If I stop the D doesn't that also discard the legal S? I will only hurt myself and D7 by doing that. There is CS established and if I stop the D without H wanting the same thing then he will not be obligated to pay one cent. Or am I wrong?
I have not slept hardly at all this week. I can't focus or function it seems.
I have been fighting the urge to e-mail H and tell him how I feel. I am not good at wording things so they never seem to come across as I mean them to.
The weirdest thing though is that H has not been calling me nor have we seen each other since the weekend until yesterday briefly and yet he called me late last night. I could sense that something was not right.
H had stopped by yesterday to give me the CS and acted a little mad/down. Said he was having a bad day and should have stayed in bed. I tried not to pry but asked was he ok. He said he was.
Didn't get a lot of out him at that time. Well when he called me late he said he was calling to remind me that he was taking D7 Friday night because of a girl scout function on Saturday. (he could have told me this later in the week) I again sensed he wanted to talk.
I asked why he was having a bad day and he just said that nothing had gone right since he got up. I kinda veered the convo into D talk a bit. In a nutshell he basically said that Friday is just another day. (I don't think that is how he REALLY feels but who knows.) Haven't heard a peep out of him today.
Pooh, I agree, postpone the divorce. You can also have the L do a S agreement in which he has to pay child support. There is nothing wrong with postponing it and then DB you butt off. Not DBing the way you've been doing but doing NC, going dark, detaching, etc. I am almost certain that if you go through with the D, nothing will change between you and your H. Your H is right, Friday is just another day. You and your H both have not detached as yet to know if you truly want to D. Nothing wrong with "postponing" it until you are truly ready. Have you lawyer give a good excuse for postponing it. I don't think your H is ready either. Neither do I think he's ready to be seriously married, but he hasn't been pushed as yet.
And you don't have to discuss this with your H and express your feelings to him. You just do it. But again, only stop the D if you're ready to act different with your H. Actually, even if you go ahead with the D, I'm almost certain that you and your H will be doing the same things. Do something different now!
I agree with Vicky. But I have a problem with the going dark part of it (I know this is just me, so take it with a grain of salt). What brought my W and I back together again was my endless prayers for her, her own prayers, and as she has stated endlessly since coming back, the fact that I did not give up on her and that I continued to show her love despite what she was doing. I know that's hard to do, especially if opportunities are limited, but think about, and I'm sure you can find a way to show him love without being needy and mushy (wish I don't suggest you do). I really feel, however, that you should stop the D. Pray about this.
WP, I gotta disagree only because I've been following pooh's sitch since her H reminds me of mine. From what I gather she has been showing him love, pursuing, and reaching out to him. They have remained connected but in a weird/unhealthy way and I think her H has gotten the impression that the A and his lifestyle may not be accepted by her but that she will go along with it. And he hasn't found a reason to change. Pooh, please correct me if I have this completely wrong. I only suggest the going dark/detach in order to then establish boundaries, to let him know that his lifestyle/actions are not acceptable. Pooh, strange enough, I don't think the D will send that message only b/c I think your H will still come around and you will still pursue and you both will function in the same manner/play the games like you never divorced.
I'm saying this only b/c my relationship with my H has been the same that I have told him his A is unacceptable but I have not shown him this with my actions.
Thank you both. Yes vickyd you have my H pegged pretty good. I am also a bit hesitant on the whole going dark thing. For one because we have D7 and that makes it a little harder especially with her being heavily involved in girl scouts which H takes her to. That is their thing together but I have to be involved when it comes to what is going on and pickup/dropoff.
I know what you are saying about not staying stagnant. That is where we seem to be. I know you keep suggesting that I do things different but I honestly don't know WHAT to do differently. We do not talk NEAR as much as we were. That is H's doing.
I don't get as much time to show anything with H anymore. I pretty much keep to myself as does he unless it pertains to D7. Last night was the first time he called me at night in a while. I don't even get the morning calls anymore.
WaitingPatiently- I have been praying about this constantly. Trying to find my way with all this. I want to do what is right and I am just not sure what that is. That is why I thought I might start with an e-mail to H. Good idea or no?
I think the email is not a good idea. I really hope other vets here give you some pointers because I KNOW in my heart that you need to do things different. Your H stopped connecting, you need to take control of the situation and when he reaches out becuase he will, you need to be disconnected. I think it's basically getting a D emotionally, which I think is more painful than a legal D. I am struggling with this right now. I don't have children and I'm a bit thankful for that right now with my sitch, but I think you need to let your H connect with D without you.
Please can others give Pooh advice on how to do a 180 here. Good luck.
I think I agree with Vicky about the email. My sit is not a cover all--things were a bit different for me. I will say this, and I hope it's not taken the wrong way, but if you do go dark make that include times with your daughter. Don't let him have any family times (that is if you are). Let him know what it's like to really lose you. But, I still say stop the D. Without a doubt.
I'm sorry if I can't be more helpful. Keep praying and keep the faith. Also, look to see what God is trying to teach you through all of this.
