Oh, I just say that you said OW's H. Not sure about that. I see other people here advocate tell the OP's spouse but in my state I sometimes feel it is a waste of time. But maybe others can advise better on this.
Hi Puppy- I have the chance again to "out" the affair to OW's H.
vickyd- You are right about the password. I kinda felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders when he did change it cause I was seeing it every day and it made me upset a lot of the time. Especially seeing the amount of time H was talking to OW when he should have been spending quality time with D7. So it is for the best.
I have no intention on seeing OW....I did that in the beginning...got me nowhere. I meant her H. Sorry for the confusion on that.
I will do my best to stay out of his nonsense. I do ok until I have to see him face to face. But I will try.
I know you'll be alright. It's funny how we all react the same way and seeing from the outside we see what works and what doesn't. I did all the things you do. I guess that what's good about this site. Allows one to see from the outside and to apply to our own lives.
I haven't posted in a few days but have been keeping up with reading other people's sitch's.
There hasn't been any change to my sitch but have found out a few new things in the last few days.
H and I got the taxes done (will use some of the money to finalize the D). Thought the money would be here by next Friday.
I took D7 to him for dropoff this afternoon and he was running late so I was alone in his house while on the phone with him for about 30 minutes.
I had checked the mail and found a letter from the CPA that did the taxes. They always send one letting us know everything was accepted blah blah blah. Figured that's what it was. Nope. It was a letter stating the since we have a small balance due to IRS that we have been paying on they will take their money first (which we knew would happen) and then SEND the rest in the mail. No direct deposit.
That has its good and its bad. The good is that it delays our D for at least another 4 weeks. Bad is that if I talk to OW's H before then I may have to worry about H taking the money. Although he would have to forge my name to do it and I don't think he would but he would at least stall me getting it by telling me it hasn't arrived yet.
I also confirmed almost a week ago that is H working for OW. I don't know how often but I do know it is happening. H denies it. But I KNOW he is. I can't tell him how I know so I just let him deny it. So now they have that bond too.
Found out today while in his house that he has created a new e-mail account. Not sure what he is hiding there. He has mastered sneakyness. Or at least he thinks he has.
I feel like this mess is never going to end. Something keeps delaying the D (which is not a bad thing) and something keeps delaying OW's H finding out. There are NO signs of this A breaking up. If anything it is getting stronger.
Well I screwed up yet again. H and I had a BAD argument today.
He was to pick up D7 from school today as usual. I had not heard from him since Sunday when I picked up D7 from his house. I sent an email Tuesday reminding him to pick her up today. Got no response.
I went to work and had not heard from him still. So around noon I attempted to call him. No answer and no return call. I started to panic a bit since someone had to be there to get D7 on time after school.
Decided to leave work long enough to run by his house and see what was going on. It was not far so I tried calling all the way. No answer. As I am coming down his road I see him standing on the sidewalk with the house phone to his ear. Cell phone on his hip (where I had called).
I pulled up to him and rolled my window down and he hatefully asked what did I want that he was on the phone and busy at the moment. I got mad and told him to tell HER to call back. He informed me that he was talking to his mother. (OOPS)
Anyway we argued a sec and he told me to leave in which case I backed into the driveway and started loading some of my things I had packed months back. He got off the phone and came in and we began arguing about everything.
Said this M has been over for years and that it hasn't been a M since day 1. Ouch. Hadn't heard that one before. I told him that he is a sorry a$$ for not having anything to do with D7 EXCEPT when his visitation is. He won't call her or anything. I even suggested that he get her a cell phone just for her to communicate with him. No response.
I had said that I wanted to come get the rest of my things when he would not be home and he said that he IS going to be there when I get my things. Fine. He mentioned that he is not afraid that I will take anything that doesn't belong to me but that he IS going to be there. Said if he didn't trust me he would have changed the locks by now.
The IRS check is due to come next Tuesday. I am praying that he will not do anything to take that away. I have tried and tried to keep civil but it is hard when he doesn't even have the common courtesy to confirm pickup of D7.
Today I am really ready to get this divorce over with. Things will never change.
Glad to hear your update but so sorry to hear how things are going. I know how hard DB gets at times. So in reading your update a few thoughts went through my mind so I wanted to share with you...
Have you read DB or DR? If you have I think you should reread it because it will help. I say this only because I have been read certain sections as well. What stricked me first was your last comment that "things will never change" and it made me think about what Michele said that if we want our marriage to change we have to change. Have you made changes in the way your interaction with your H?
From reading your update, I would say that what you did was pursue your H. And believe me, I struggle with this myself, just the other day I asked H how come he drives by the house when he is working in the area but he never goes in (he knows where the spare key is). But after I regretted saying that b/c I knew that was inviting him in. To be honest, it seems that when you called H about picking up your D you were really calling to check in with him to reestablish contact. If you really just calling about picking up D then when you left work you would have just picked up your D and not gone to look for your H. I think if I see this pursuing behavior then I know your H sees it too. Your H purposely wasn't not picking up your calls -- I think sometimes they do that to regain control of the situation and to keep us hooked. You need to stop the more of the same behavior. Stop letting him pull you in. It will hurt, but he knows he has you hooked. Remember what Michele says about making yourself look more attractive to our H's. Looking like you are still emotionally outraged (even though you are) will not do the trick. I hope this helps but please do whatever it takes to get control of your emotions and to look strong and happy.
Just a quote to share, "We can't alsways control how others treat us, but we can control how we react to others."
But we've all been where you are, emotionally that it, but we just can't stay there for too long.
I have read both DB and DR but I think I need to go over them again. It has been a while since I read them. I haven't really made any changes in how I interact with H cause I thought I was doing it right. Obviously not enough.
I am always positive (except the few times we argued), I always look my best when I know I am going to see him. I do listen to whatever he tells me as far as things he is doing that he feels the need to tell me about such as his daily routines and such. I validate as much as possible. And I do not criticize(sp?) him at all at those times. I offer my advice or suggestions if he asks.
But the more I think about what you say the more I think that maybe I am pursuing. That is why it helps to get on here and get advice. It is easier to see where you are messing up and to try to fix it.
I know what you mean by the emotional outrage. I see that in me. I have to stop.
I do feel a little better today. The money came and it DID go into my account. I thanked God over and over for that. One less worry.
I picked D7 up from H's house today and H was acting as if the argument never took place. He was conversating about a few different things that kinda surprised me. He was telling me about his prescription changes (cholesterol) and going on about other things he normally does not tell me about anymore.He was also being a little playful.
I told him that the money had came and he was going to need to come to the bank with me to get his share because I was not going to walk out of the bank with cash like that on me.
H followed me to the bank and was being playful the whole time in there. So much so that the lady who took care of us made a comment about how good we were together. I thought I was going to fall out of the chair when she said that. H just sat there grinning at me.
We left the bank and went our seperate ways. So now the time has come. I go in the morning to finish paying my L and get a final date set that just my L and I have to attend. My L says it should not take more than a week:(
But I will get through it. I know I am going to fall to pieces when I leave that courthouse and am divorced but I was the one who filed so I have to live with that now.
L called this morning and the D will be final next Friday. Just happens to be Friday the 13th. How lucky. I wanted to thank all of you who have helped me get through the drama that I have been through. It has helped me a lot to have all of you to talk to and keep myself straight. I wish all of you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do:)
I can tell from your posting that you must be broken right now with the D getting final. I read your last post over the weekend and wanted to send you a message ever since. Pooh, from what read, it sounds like you started the D papers but you are not ready to get D. I might be wrong about this especially since I am a DB here, but I think one should get D when one is ready, although I don't know if we're ever really ready. Not because you started the D papers, means you are forced to go through with it right now. The one thing I am sure of is that like Michele says, D doesn't the emotional pain, and you will not be emotionally D. You and your H can sign those papers next Friday but I get the feeling that things will be the same cat and mouse game. You have to do what's best for you but it seems that you are getting D with really totally DB, getting a life and detaching from your H first.
By the way, I read what you said that you've been DBing by being positive, looking your best, etc. But I don't think that is DB for our sitch dealing with infidelity. I think we are suppose to GAL, do no contact and show that we can move on with our lives, and execise patience. I think our H's as cake eaters love the attention and reassurance that we give them, even bad/negative attention like fighting, etc. And DB is about turning that attention back onto us. I think your H was playful at the bank b/c he knows he still has you hooked emotionally. I think a good dose of you detaching and doing NC would do him good.
Anyway, sending you hugs and kisses. I know too well how hard it must be. All the best.
No I am not ready to get the D but as I stated I was the one who filed and now I have to live with that. The hearing that is scheduled for next Friday only requires myself and my L present. H does not have to be there. He is finished with his part.
What kills me is how the D rate is so high yet no one wants to help couples try to figure out what was wrong or what it would take to fix things. I know there are M counselors and such but what I mean is you get a L....you file...you go into mediation to split everything up (nothing discussed here as to who,what,why,etc)...then you go in front of a judge for him to say you are D. No questions asked really. I get 5 whole minutes in front of this judge next week. Makes no sense but oh well...just my venting on this part of D I guess.
I intend to do everything I can when this D is final to have N/C with H. I don't think I can deal with seeing him after this. It just will not be the same to me.
He keeps trying to throw me off and keep me in this whirlwind he calls life of his. He goes from not talking to me for days....to saying things like "you are the love of my life" (playfully) and just today he reminded me AGAIN how I said I would never take him back and then in the next sentence he said he thinks it could work out between us and you never know what might happen.
I have learned to ignore all that and let it go in one ear and out the other. Just wanted to share that with ya'll.
