WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice IV

[dday101798]

Atta boy, just no R talk, there's always that one guy who likes to pry, tell him he's buying a round each time he brings it up.

[LonelyD]

Nope, won't happen. Have a good weekend everyone. FH don't be too mad at me.

[LonelyD]

FaithfulH,

Let me re-answer your questions now:

1. She still controls my emoitions, not as much but obviously enough for me to know know I am not yet full dettached.

2. No she is not the enemy, when I get like that, I am my own worst enemy.

3. My kids do not understand why I hold onto my belief, they stan beside me, and think I am crazy for having Faith in something they cannot see.

4. Yes, my Faith is very good, very good and very solid, Slerpt very well last night. re-read your responses to me quite a few times....I was hurt and ventign and tyes there was some BS in my post.

5. Name calling is just me venting, didn't mean and asked Him to forgive me for sounding out like that.

6. If I didn't believe that I could save this marriage, i wouldn't be here.

7. No, this isn't looking like detaching, not in the slightest. My walk is about detaching, I have learned now that when I get this way, take my drive or go for a walk to "continue my WALK".

8. Yes, I really hoped this would cave her in. Huge expectation. I didn't call her to offer the "nice" guy help, I called to see if she was crashing, that was my expectation. I realize she didn't open her mail or read all of my norte because she knew it was all bad news and in her world, she doesn't deal with it. I cannot control that. Her crash is coming, I have to stop waiting or trying to be the catalyst. I have "walked " away.

I want her back. this not being able to see her face is bothering me, really bothering me. I had dreams a couple of months back about her, in all the dreams, I never see her face. I can't analyze it now because the dreamas were too far back. But I am now concerned about their meaning.

I missed church this morning and I will tomorrow because of this trip. I actually feel real bad about it. But I am holding onto your words about what "church " is and I feel better.

He has me by thehand now, the walk now doesn't seem to have any thorns that I can see. Starting to see the top of the rise in my mind. Its clearer up there and the sun is rising. the images are very clear and I don't yet understand them, but I think i will and soon.

My friend who I confide this stuff in was very concerned for me yesterday as you all were. He told me the same thing you all basically said, take a deep breath, remember who you are, what you have accomplished and feel good about yourself. She will come around someday, but not on your terms, she has to do it. Keep telling yourself that and you will be fine.

I feel verygood today. My road trip will definitely make me feel better. The walk is at full speed. Mantra, "It's all her's right now, you can't control, you can't counsel, and you can't watch. He will take care of that. Go for your walk and be happy when you can, every chance you get."

Thanks for not listening to that stuff yesterday. I was hurt because of my expectation, no other reason, I did it to myself, she had nothing to do with it.

[Hopeful Husband]

Much better. Welcome back! Hang in there.

[LonelyD]

Thanks. I miss her, but I need to be solid in this as I now am in everything else. FH has been good to me and I needed that 2x4.

[FaithfulH]

It does my heart good to see you back on the "Solid Rock" standing!!!

[LonelyD]

FH - Had a real good weekend. Saw some friends Friday night, got a lot of work done at work on Saturday morning, went down to my buddy's house, we all went to lunch, that woman was there but it was a group of us. Went out and did some karaoke, met a bunch of people had a few drinks and home for football all day today.

The walk is hard, harder than I thought it would be because I thought I had detached enough, not really.

Haven't really talked or thought about her after my episode the other day. D17 wants to fix me up with her friends mom. LOL....Cracks me up...I told no, that's ok, and she proceeded to tell me all about her and what not, I just laughed.

Comment got made to me by one of my friends when his niece asked me if I had talked to her. I said, no, but that day will be coming and my other friend said, yep, it will and it won't be the call you expect either. I let it drop. She had picked him up a couple of weeks ago to see my friend play, not sure what was said, didn't ask, trying not to care. I was told several times this weekend what a great guy I am and any woman would consider herself lucky to be with you. I thought that was real nice.

Trying hard to see her face in my mind. I can and i can't if you know what i mean. It is fading. I'm scared about that, haven't really looked into it, but at this point I need to get this walk well under way. a close friend of mine is going through a real rough time with is girl. He called me for advice yesterday and we talked about what he needs to do. Funny, I kept telling him that everything is about what you want, if you want the realtionship then it can be, if you don't then you don't. He has been telling me that she would be back after the holidays and asked if I anything was happening between us, told him no. she is with him so there is nothing. Keep praying , keep asking when , keep asking if, keep asking why. I know it is a time issue and I need to finish this walk. I am at the edge of the ridge, looks down into a valley and its high up. Can see the side osf a mountain. Path is clear and green grass everywhere, but the path is clearly seen. Heads down and then up to the mountains. Will probably go to the library to get a book on dreams and images to see what they mean. No more thorns, doesn't look like anything is really in the way, no tres, funny, but I don't see trees. Rocks, grass, this moutnain the valley, but no trees. Don't see anything behind me, He keeps me looking ahead, its almost like I can't turn. Image is in my head sleeping and even awake when I pray. I see it. Don't really hear me saying or talking about anything, we are just kind of walking, slow, like you would with a small child. I miss her very much. More now. He tells me its ok to feel this way, and I should miss her, He wants me to miss her. But I need to let go and let things happen, I keep interferring and things keep geting moved to the side. No more driving by her work to see if she got a tire, no more asking anyone about anything regarding this sitch or my R/M or W. I haven't been , but it was tough this weekend to bite my tongue when I did get asked and felt the urge to rehash it allover again. I liked going out, not so much the drinking as I am paying for it today being the new amateur alcoholic that I have become. I like that title. Having a few beers once a month when I am out with friends is OK. I let my self indulge.

The walk is slow, we are walking so slow, don't know why. Busy week coming up so i should be able to walk this path without interruption this week. I hope she is thinking of me, I know she isn't but I'd like to think she is and does. I am mad for letting my self get so hammered by my own thoughts about what she should do and think. The bad news I gave her int he mail she didn't read is real and is going to hit her. there is no mistaking that. I am letting it go with that. As 25year posted to me, "Life will show her the consequences of her decisions" I am holding onto that and understanding that I can't. 31 years, just pissing away 31 years and not really showing any signs of remorse, funny, I can't think of a single time in my life where I wanted to bolt, there were plenty of times I wasn't happy and not "in love" with her, but I got through it by thinking about what she means to me, the big picture.... No longer want to think about that though, it is what it is right now, there is no turning back time, there can be no living in the past, there is no us, there is me, my life and what I need to do. A hard walk, a very hard walk..

[25yearsmlc]

LD

had to say something about your question re: reconciliation vs ending and moving on...wanting to "know" what to do or when...

Honey, you are expecting some sort of clarity in an unclear, murky, shifting sitch. This repeated question is like saying "I just want to KNOW the future, and that what I'm doing is right..." and "When will I know for sure?" over and over. You won't. I mean, if you do reconcile, and decades pass and you are still happy together...THEN you'll know. I said 1000 prayers and still do, and I think I'm doing the right thing by staying and DBing, but who knows? My d19 told me the other day that she doesn't like h, doesn't see what I see in him, etc. Felt like a punch in the stomach. I put HER needs and d11's first, thinking that divorce would be possibly easier for me, but harder on them, so I stuck it out, Dbing, and was generally glad at the results. Then I got those comments from d19 and had to wonder...wth? What if I was "supposed" to divorce and meet a new guy, remarry happily? Or be single but happier? What if? What if? What if?

My h was in a MLC, I suppose, for some years, off and on about 7, I'd say. That is a long time. I would have predicted a divorce if you had asked me 6 years ago, and then again, 2 years ago, or even 18 months ago. But it seems the big obstacle he had, a DREAM JOB 3000 miles away, has been processed and resolved. I hope. God, I hope. And We are together now. I still have no clear answer that what I did, DBing...was the right thing in that I'm not sure we'll ultimately stay married. I hope so. But we are a work in progress and I have mixed feelings about that at times. Sometimes I just want out, b/c I still have very little clarity. It's like a 55% vs 45% thing at times, and the opposite at other times. Sure, there are some very good times too, for which I'm grateful. And some tough ones too. H Still has trouble realizing how much damage he did to the R's with the kids and their opinions of him. Probably cannot handle the truth and it's not my job to tell him, I think.

I also know that NO M will ever be "just fine" in the sense that the couple is "done" working on things, or is clear on the world. And there is always the chance one will stop working on it, etc. Read some of the DB coaches' stories to see their own views on m. I mean, most of them have seen some ups and downs. I doubt any of them got a message in the sky. Believe me, I sure wanted clarity. Desparately. To know His will, or better yet, the future, would solve the hardest part, and then my only challenge would be truly following God's will. But you know, I never got "the" answer, I just did my best to be patient and see what unfolded.
Figured I had to trust the big guy, and He'd make it clear in His time.

It's a balancing act; between being patient and or, knowing when to move on. But you are soooo early in this process. I cannot stress that to you enough. Relax. If you know you love her still, as you say, then you have the answer for now.

Back way off and work on yourself. Stop the questioning. You haven't been here as long as it feels, but I know it's hard. I really get that.
hang in there,
j-

[LonelyD]

You are right. I tlaked with my mom last night adn she said the same thing, you are asking good questions, but it is time to listen not talk. The image I have is very nice and peaceful, the path is clear, and i cannot see too far down it, I believe this image is correct, I cannot see the end of the path, but its there, its clear, and there are no more thorn bushes.

I understand most of the images and understand that I must stop trying to will her to think and do certain things, it will not happen.

Yes I do wonder about whether or not I am doing the right thing, I believe I am. Is there any chance we will be back together, with OM in the picture I would say no. But who's to say what's going to happen when he is gone, when she (if she) steps out of the fog, or when she wakes up and questions her decisions. Yes it is a cloudy mirky mess we are in, but I have a vision of a very clear path. I know what He is showing me, I know why He is showing me, and I know now that I must stay on this very clear, safe, and beautiful path I am on, wherever it leads.

I miss her, I miss her very much, but like I said, He wants me too. I don't know why, but in time I will. I pray for her to think of me. Yes my kids love their mother, they just don't particularly like her right now. They want me to bolt, find someone else so I can be happy. I am fine right now, a little lonely, a little tired, a little angry, but I am happy mostly.

I have a lot to do this week that requires my attention, things I need to do and things I need to get done. If I can get through the week without worrying about what she thinks, what she does, what ever, then I will be fine. The path is clear, the walk is slow, the imagery is something I'd like to look into, see what it all means. I know what a lot of it means, but the synergy of all the images has some deeper meaning. Slep OK last night, no big issues, saw her in my dreams, distant visions of her, but again, no clear look at her face.

Thanks for your words, you are quite a good inspiration for me, as are quite a few people. I will now look for my answers and wait for my answers, the questions have been asked many times, the answers, I belive are no that far away, but I also know I need to get a little farther down this path before I get any.

[LonelyD]

Good day, thinking abou ther but it is not overwhelming or driving me nuts. Just thoughts, thats all. traveling tomorrow, line dancing lessons tonite. It was tough getting through the day without wanting to drive by her palce, see if her car is still riding on a spare and what not. I am breaking myself of doing this.

I am a lot more at peace with myself. I feel stronger, emotionally and mentally today. Glad this thing with the woman friend ended nicely and I just let it be known that I really am not interested in anything like a realtionship right now. Friends all wanna fix me up and I have asked them, nicely, not to. told them I would let them know when I am ready.

25year I read your latest post to me several times. I know I haven't been at this long, and God knows I don't want it to go on any longer, but there is the reality of what is going on. Yeah, the 55 vs. 45 thing is there.. Its like your situation. My kids are split over their feelings and when I talk to some of their close friends, well, she doesn't come out in a very good light. even what they call her, which I will not repeat here. Its pretty bad. I have read that she may stay in this R with OM because she knows the road back is a lot of work and thinks staying the course with him, no matter how its going. I don't think she is really aware of the lack of connection with my kids. she calls to have D17 come to her house m-th as I had posted. d17 isn't exactly energized when I pick her up.

She definitely has her eyes closed to everything except her "good times". Then again maybe she does and this is just her now. I hope not because she will lead a very closed lonely life down the road. There is no time frame of when they recover, last in MLC, or anything, there ar eno exacts in this. I talked with someone last night who went through it. He moved on after his wife asked for a divorce and walked out on him. He ended up in a great job, making super money. Sold his house due to the court agreement and split it with her. She pissed it all away in 2 years, every last cent. They have been divorced for 5 years or so, he is in a good relationship with a woman he lives with. she is bouncing between friends and family. the scary thing here is that she was just like my wife. She woke up too late. He is happy and has nointerest in her, not even hearing her name. He hasn't talked to her in about 2 years. She drinks heavily, looks like she aged about 20 years. She is what they refer to as the "Bar Slut". No one takes her seriously and she is used terribly. He asys he can't stand the thought of that as they were together for almost 20 years. She left because she was unhappy. she needed to find herself.

He told me all the things he tried to win her back away from all her boyfriends. Nothing worked he said. He said I am doing the exact opposite of what he did and he had heard that what I am doing works. She tries to contact him and he doesn't reply or respond. He said she did so much damage to him and the kids, that he doubted he would even go to her funeral. Hard hard emotions in this guy., He gave me one big boost. he told me she woke up out of the blue one day and tried eveything to contact him, showed up at his house, called his family, text and emailed bomb the crap out of him. He never replied. Her mother told him she woke up one morning looked in the mirror, and cried when she saw how much her "happy " life had aged her. I have seen her in the past year and she looks haggard. He also told me that the biggest problem with her is she felt that she had given everything to everyone and her time was due. she felt owed. And he laughs now saying, she is owed alright. she is a tramp, who had everything. I would have given her the world and then some. she felt I was holding her back. she is driving her mothers car. she can't get a loan because she detroed her credit, she has filed for bankruptcy, I mena she is sad.

He told me to hold my line. don't give up, he told me he knows what she means to me. don't listen to other people. That was a big downfall for him. He said if it feels right for you to be where you are, stay there....If she files, you will know its done, walk away, head held high, because when she falls it will be monumental and it will be all her. He says they never understand the dmage they do, and when they do, they live in denial and start the blame game allover again. He feels bad for me and says it most likely won't be much longer. He says her realitiy is probably not as strong has his ex was. but you never know. Don't give in, don't give up, listen to your heart, not your head. Remember who you are, what you have done and where you want to be. And then go there. Nobody can take "YOU" away for "YOU".