(((((BobbiJo)))))) Not draining both of you might be a positive thing. Maybe he will be able to work on "fixing" himself without thinking that everything he does is under a microscope. I don't think that is how you are treating him, but I think that is what he is feeling. He's put the pressure on himself. Maybe him getting out of the house can reduce that a bit.
Thanks guys. I am fine with him moving out where I am concerned, it is just the kids I am always worried about.
I am just very glad he is going to see someone about 'fixing' him. I realize no one can fix Dan but Dan, but I am glad he can talk to someone about all the crap spinning around in his brain...
And last night he apologized for blaming me for his unhappiness. I said something about how he said last fall that he had been miserable for 15 years, as long as he had known me, how his life started sucking when he married me instead of going to grad school. He said "That was not fair, that was not a nice thing to say. I shouldn't have said it because that isn't true. I'm sorry I said that".
So again I am glad he will be getting therapy just so he can see the reality of his situation and his choices.
I hope that he is seeing someone. He is starting to sound like he is starting to see through the fog, hopefully. Though he might be trying to fool you, and even himself. It is going to take a while for him to dig himself out of this. But, you have already shown a lot of patience. He is lucky that you are giving him the chance. I hope he is able to take advantage of it!
Jeff I asked him Friday night if he was sure he didn't want to talk to someone when he told me how mixed up he was. His answer was "I have already started seeing someone again". So he has been and I hope he continues to go...he has a very neg. opinion of counselors because none have been able to 'fix him' yet.
Well, a personal trainer can't make you healthy/fit either if you don't do the work they recommend....
Well H texted me twice to see if I would like to go see the house he wants to buy this evening. It is the same one from before. He said he wanted me to see it even though he knows I will think it is a dive....
Also last night I told him I would like him to have 50% custody if he wants it b/c the kids want and need him. He said he wants 50/50 but with the hours of his job it means the kids would leave his house at 6:30 a.m. whereas now they leave at 7:45...so he doesn't know what he wants as usual. Actually more accurately, he knows what he wants (the kids) but he doesn't think it is the best for them. Man has a hard time making up his mind about a lot of things...
So Dan and I went and looked at the house. It made me cry a little b/c it is in such bad shape. Not structurally but cosmetically. The master bedroom had a different BRIGHT color of paint on every wall--red, aqua, yellow. And the master bath was the orange of a construction cone. The toilets were full of some black stuff b/c they have been shut off for months. It was so yucky. Not to mention it was built in '74 and the bedrooms had the multicolored shag carpet to prove it. Except it was literally worn through in places and you could see the floor underneath.
Of course H is very handy and plans to have the carpet all torn out and replaced and all the rooms painted in the first few weeks. Says he can have it livable for the kids within a month from closing. And I know he can. Just for a minute though it made me think he was comparing his life with us in our nice house to that piece of crap and deciding it was better than us...I actually said that and he said you know I don't see it how it is I see it how I will make it.
We also had an interesting, very good conversation for both of us after we looked at the house. We just went and parked in the grocery store parking lot and talked for about an hour.
*H said he considers this a separation, not divorce. He would like to take the time to sort himself out, go through counseling, think about who he really is b/c he has lost himself, etc etc. Take the time to work on himself and then re-evaluate us.
*He has no plans to file although we are going to separate our checking/banking and bill-paying. Because that is necessary in both our minds.
*H said that buying and renovating the house is a win-win situation for him and us. The payments for this 3 bedroom home will be $450/month. Way cheaper than renting any 3 bedroom apartments in our part of the world.
*H said that once it has new carpet and paint it would easily rent for more than the mortgage payment. He said if we got back together we could rent it out and make some money off it, rental homes are hard to find in our town especially nice affordable ones which this will be.
*H also said that if he renovates it like he imagines I may rather move in with him if we get back together because it may turn out nicer than our current house.
*H told me that he was wrong to blame me for him not going to grad school or vet school. That those were HIS decisions that HE made and he could have chosen different ones at the time.
*H told me that as he looks at the reality/non-reality of him being able to do 50/50 custody, he realizes that my NOT having a 7-5 job has allowed me so much time with the children that a lot of parents don't have. He said he has resented this a lot in the past but now he knows that the kids are lucky that I was able to be home with them as much as I have been and will be with my teaching job.
*He apologized for all the times I have tried to talk to him about our situation and/or ask questions and he hasn't answered me. He said anytime he didn't answer a question (like, can you promise to commit to me and not leave again, or, what is it that makes you uncomfortable when you are with me), it was b/c he either honestly didn't know the answer, or he was afraid the truth would hurt me. But now he sees that NOT answering me was hurting me as much as the truth b/c then I had to try to guess what was going on, which wasn't fair.
*When we finished talking I told him thanks for talking and he said thanks for listening and he was glad we talked.
Neither of us can live this way any more. It is draining us both...
