military marriage... separated

[FitChik]

Hey everyone! My husband and I are separated and I am hoping for reconcillation.

My husband and I are both active duty military. We have been married only 5 months. He lived in Texas and I am in Washington state. He just deployed to Iraq for 12 months and filed for divorce before leaving. This was a complete surprise to me.

We worked for months to allow myself to move to Texas and deploy with him now. We found out in October that I could not deploy now (December) but would be allowed to deploy in April 2009 and most likely link up with him. The night we learned I could not deploy in December, he told me he wanted a divorce.

I told him I will not agree to divorce right now. We have had limited contact but most of it has been arguing about the divorce.

I am currently reading Michele's books along with other resources. I am determined to try and make our marriage work, even though the divorce may be inevitable since it's already filed. I will give our marriage everything I have for my own peace of mind. I am hoping for a miracle.

Any advice or suggestions on how to proceed?

[Choosing_Life]

Hi FitChik,
Sorry to hear about your situation... I'm sure you have a lot of tumultuous emotions going on. It would be hard enough without the threat of the "big D." The only advice I have is that you focus on Michele's advice regarding "The Last Resort Technique" and, most of all, on taking care of yourself. It sounds like contact with H will be pretty limited for awhile... just be friendly but cool, and don't discuss the divorce OR the marriage. Michele's book "The Divorce Remedy," in particular, has solid advice for how to handle a last ditch situation involving physical separation, although there's no guarantees (not by a long shot). If he wants divorce that bad, he will get it whether you like it or not, but I suspect him arguing with you about it is his way of trying to get you to make him feel better about his decision, and why would you want to do that?

[FitChik]

Thanks for the advice.

I do believe he is trying to feel better about his decision to divorce. He wants me to agree to disagree with him about the future of our marriage. He also wanted to remain friends with me and talk to me everyday. I know for myself I cannot just remain friends with him.

It's difficult because I know while being deployed he probably wants my support and friendship. At the same time, I have to look out for myself. Love is tough....

[FitChik]

Any suggestions on how to deal with feeling hopeful & helpless at the same time?

It's difficult having my H be so adamant about the D. He seems completely closed minded.

I continue to hope our marriage will turn around but his reactions make it difficult... and leaves me vulnerable to getting hurt. I guess the risk of continuing to be hurt is involved when trying to save a marriage. Our M working out is well worth the risk

[Jay Scott]

Being in the military is hard on a marriage, being deployed is hard on a marriage, two soldiers being married is hard on a marriage. Are you guys in the same unit? Same MOS? Are you both young? Can you get his chain of command involved, is that something you think would help. Thanks for your service and sorry for your heartache.

[FitChik]

Same MOS. Different units and different bases. I'm in Washington, he's in Texas. We got both of our commands involved and arranged for me to move to TX, deploy next April, and join his brigade. It's all set up and ready to go. However when we found out I could not deploy with him now (December) and it would be several months, he decided it wouldn't work for him.

Great idea! That's exactly what we've done. But he changed his mind... It's very difficult and confusing

[Jay Scott]

Well you can't make someone change their mind...but I would not rule out the stress of deployment. Sorry you are going through this at such a time in your life and career. Please stick around here, folks have lots of good advice. The Army has lots of good resources as well. Hooah!

[FitChik]

He states the deployment has nothing to do with wanting a D but I think it plays a bigger factor than he realizes. States he doesn't want to have a W that is away for one year. His deployment also forced him to file for D earlier than he otherwise might have. He wanted to get the D done before leaving so he didn't have to deal with it in a year when he returned. But if he didn't deploy, we might have had more time & effort to work things out.

There are just so many factors with our situation. I understand why it seems easier to him to cut all ties now instead of persevere through the difficulties... But it's a M!!

[FitChik]

Well I haven't heard from H much at all. The last phone call was 2 weeks ago and any e-mails from him simply beg me to sign the D papers. He continues to be firm about the D and states he will never change his mind. Instead of responding back to these e-mails I have just ignored the last two. Should I just ignore them or affirm that I will not keep him in our M if he doesn't want it? It seems like he feels I am haven't let him go.

I am trying not to e-mail him and just see what happens. It's very unnerving. I just continue to have my M to God, pray, and hope for a miracle.

[K4D]

Makes me wonder why he wanted to get married if he is already going to walk after only 5 months of M. Doesn't sound like there is much you can do except what you are doing.

Keep praying and working on yourself. Sometimes these things are out of our control and we just have to leave it up to God. I feel the same way in my M with my W.

You could always contest the D to drag it out. Say you don't agree to the breakdown of stuff he wants. Tell him yall need mediation. This drags it out but may force him to have to communicate more with you. Just don't let on to your real reason of demanding mediation. Is there anything you know that he for sure wants as his? Challenge him on it but find a valid reason why you should get it. Not sure myself, just trying to think of something that might help drag it out and force more communication.

Kevin