epiphany..all time low or turning point?

[Mojones]

When I started posting here (which I am still not sure if I am doing right) I read through information on Marriage Builders as well as this site...but I skimmed it. After all my h was home but asking him to go into a policy of joint agreement or radical honesty was absurd...he sort of acted like he was doing me a favor by coming home how would I ask anything of him...so I tried to make changes in myself and meet his emotional needs, and I think that I was so hurt that I couldn't see until right now that he thinks he is meeting mine as well...he stopped going out and stays home most of the time going out was and I would imagine still is very important to him. I also think he resents me because he now has no social life. I don't want him to be with me all of the time...but I want to know that when I am not with him that he is not going to hurt me..I am not there.

I don't know how to convey that to him without him getting angry because he hasn't done anything. I have left him alone and gone to do certain things and it has brought me tremendous anxiety that he might be talking to the OW through an alternate phone even though I have no evidence. I am overwhelmed with this fear almost one year later. Who's responsibility is it to get rid of the fear? mine, his or ours and how do I get relief?

On top of this....I REALLY read the policy of joint agreement today and I had an epiphany...it said something about learning from an affair that your spouse is capable of making an independant decision that does not take you into consideration...my spouse has done this for about 12 years...done things that he wants to do and "deals with me later." Seeing it as a burden. I always just thought that my wanting to be considered or holding him back was being selfish and so I beat myself up until I made peace with his decision that most of the time cost me heartache, money or both.

If I tell him that this can't go on I worry that he will see me as controlling or that he will just do things he wants to and lie to me.
I really need some help...I can't afford to see my counselor or buy Michelle's program right now. Sometimes people don't respond to my posts maybe because I am supposed to keep the same thread running...