Hi John, glad to see your post, have you updated your thread at all?
"If I move on with my life, she'll rationalize that it was me who left." I feel this way too and this is what my two best friends keep saying is what he wants. It certainly looks that way, but I am finding it hard to believe it is that black and white. I am sure they have misgivings also. They probably realize if they leave they are giving up something that they know they should appreciate and want, but for whatever reasons, can't. Us leaving/filing takes it out of their hands. I know I would feel a lot better of my H just said he was done and he was the one filing. Then it would be out of my hands and there wouldn't be anything I could do. Right now, I have ALL of the control over a situation I don't want to have control over because I don't want to end it. Ugh.
Not only that, I feel in telling my H that I could not live the way we were and felt we needed to separate (not my choice - told him THAT about 5 times), that it pushed him away. Yet, if I tried to pursue him at all, it pushed him away as well. I told him I was in a lose-lose situation. I feel backed into a corner, with no options other than to call it quits.
Now, here's the really hard part. We've still had some contact lately, mostly kid and house stuff. Sometimes it is awkward as hell and sometimes it is really comfortable and easygoing between us. I can't help but let the "comfortable times" get me feeling like there's a chance. It is like I really need to have no contact with this man because I fall into the comfort zone IMMEDIATELY with him. I am trying to get myself to the point of simply believing the "comfortable times" are just the remnants of the old relationship dying out or the remaining friendship. But it is hard. Something you've fought so hard for and for so long, it is really hard to just let it go. Kind of like when you've nursed a family member dying slowly of cancer. After they pass, you still feel the need to do something and there is nothing left to do. That's how I feel. I don't know how to not fight for my marriage. When I feel myself detaching from him, you think I would be relieved because I feel less pain, but I actually dislike the detached feeling just as much.
Is it possible to have SOME contact and still be letting go? I really hate to end all contact with him because I know then we have no chance. I just don't know how to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't think I can. I am too vulnerable because I love him too much.
"I am sure they have misgivings also. They probably realize if they leave they are giving up something that they know they should appreciate and want, but for whatever reasons, can't."
I think you're spot on with that comment. I'm sure there are some who are devoid of guilt, remorse, doubt, etc., but I have to believe this is VERY hard on the vast majority. They may be able to mask it, keep it at arms length, etc., but it's there. The wise people here on these boards seem to agree that it all comes crashing down on them sooner or later, which also makes perfect sense. Sooner or later, they have to face up to what they've done.
"I can't help but let the "comfortable times" get me feeling like there's a chance." "I don't know how to not fight for my marriage."
You give me one shred of hope to latch onto, and I jump right into that lifeboat, with no thought as to how many holes might be in the bottom. I think this is all quite normal, as we want to see the good, the positive, and to have things work out. It is so hard to see something we read as positive and just say "Well, we'll see". And just because you've changed gears doesn't mean you are no longer fighting. I think you've just acknowledged that what you've tried hasn't worked, and moved on to something else. It may not seem like it, but I think in your case, asking for a separation IS fighting for your marriage. It sends a message to your husband about how serious you are, how serious the situation is, but at the same time, it isn't a divorce filing.
"I feel in telling my H that I could not live the way we were and felt we needed to separate (not my choice - told him THAT about 5 times), that it pushed him away. Yet, if I tried to pursue him at all, it pushed him away as well. I told him I was in a lose-lose situation."
That's an awful position to be in, and one I wrestle with daily. I know how much the situation was hurting you from your previous posts, and at the end of the day, you had to take care of you, you had to save yourself first. No matter how much it hurt, I think you made the best decision for you and for your son, and it better positions you for the future, wherever that may lead.
"Is it possible to have SOME contact and still be letting go? I really hate to end all contact with him because I know then we have no chance. I just don't know how to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't think I can. I am too vulnerable because I love him too much."
There are times when I think it would be best for me to just never see my wife again. Since we share two young children, that is impossible. And since we will have to interact to raise them, I know I will have to learn to carry on a civil relationship with her if that is what this comes to. You and your husband will always have some contact because of your son. I think that keeps the door cracked open if that is what you want, but as to how best to protect yourself from hurt in the meantime, that's tough. I feel like I'm detaching from my wife without giving up, but I don't like the reasons why. Every time she lies to me, contacts the OM or treats me in a disrespectful manner, I pull back a little more. It's a heck of a balancing act isn't it? Keeping feelings alive but at the same time pulling back is tricky. And this would be so much easier if we didn't still love them. I guess what I'm saying is I do think it's possible to have contact and at the same time detach, or to let go if that is your decision. I don't think that happens quickly, but comes in time. The DB coach I talk to described this as living in dog years. Everything seems like it's taking much longer than it really is, and that's exactly how I feel about it.
I haven't posted lately as nothing has really changed. I've just been reading and trying to pick up tidbits of wisdom. We have our lease to deal with by 4/30, so "The talk" is coming soon. I'll post when things start to happen.
