You can read my situation from the beginning. All thread links are on the first page of my last thread. I am in piecing.
I had a DB coach and my IC both told me to stop the "family" time. Even though I felt it was the only way to show him the new me and I was desperate to spend time with him ...it took me a few weeks but I finally did it. He needed to see what D looked like otherwise why were we living apart. He wasn't getting a chance to see it while he spent so much time over here. So, I revoked his key and changed the garage code. Now this was done with a kind heart and I explained that he had his privacy and I had a right to mine. I started making him spend time with the kids elswhere. I don't know if any of this helped but I can tell you that if I had let him disrespect me during all this how was he going to learn to respect me later.
Your H is going to have to admit his A. You and I and everyone else knows you don't have those kinds of friendships as adults. My H even asked me while we were seperated if his parents could stay here on their visit. He was paying the mortg. but I said No. I called his mom and told her I could no longer spend family time with my H because it hurt and it really messed with my mind and I coudn't move forward doing that because it gave me false hope. She totally understood. I told they could spend a night or two here in order to spend time with me and the kids but H couldn't be involved. It was just to hurtful.
I don't know if all the little things I did to show him what being D looked like helped but I think he needed to realize it. Also, when I dropped the rope... I was ready.... I was sad but he wasn't turning toward me so I laid it on the line and it worked for me.
Best of Luck
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
My W called 2 hours after reading the letter to discuss it but I had already asked her to think about it and pray about it for a few days before we talked about it, so when she called I told her I thought she needed more time to think about it before we talk. So, I won't know her response for a few days. My current thread is entitled "Is She Cheating?? New Thread," but my old thread was "Is she cheating?? Please respond!!" I think you got some encouraging words from your H, more than I've ever gotten from my W, but I too worry about the cake eating. Definitely watch his actions!! I can understand the no ML part of it; it just wouldn't seem to make sense when there's not an emotional connection. But, at the same time, the physical can help mend the emotional. Just take it one day at a time and definitely watch his actions. I do worry about contact with the OW--that really does have to stop, but maybe you lure him back in even stronger and then make that demand?? Set yourself a deadline at the very least.
- "he told me he thinks we are moving in a positive direction and that he wants to continue to work on things with me and work towards him coming home"
- "He did say he doesn't want to get a divorce and he doesn't think it is the right thing for us"
That is fantastic! I'm so happy you got to hear those words! But I do agree with you that you need to watch things carefully and make sure it's not a way to continue to cake eat. He's talked the talk. Now he needs to walk the walk. Have you started to think about how YOU need for things to progress going forward, a mental outline of sorts?
You and your husband are going through a huge trauma in your married lives. This won't turn around on a dime. I think you'll have to be very patient, not push for immediate action, and be prepared for some setbacks. Baby steps comes to mind.
And I agree completely w/ sandycay. He needs to admit his affair, and take steps to end it completely and permanently. And you need to think about what you will need from him to believe that it is over.
Not the greatest of days for me, and I don't know why. I just need to do what you've done. I thought I was past the fear, but the truth is, I'm SO SCARED of the answer. I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be for a divorce, but hearing her say she's leaving and filing is something I can barely think about.
sandycay, I'm going to start reading your story tonight. I'm really intrigued by the advice of your coach and IC. I think my wife needs a taste of what D will really be like. Her view is fantasy in my opinion, and I'm bending over backwards and letting her walk all over me.
newgal, again, I couldn't be happier for you! I hope this is the first of many positive steps forward for you.
John, like you, I am very scared at this point. I don't know what is going to happen and I don't trust much of what he says yet. I am going to sit down and write a list of deal breakers for myself and work on how I can communicate those to H in a positive way, including the issues with OW. After I've let the dust settle from this R talk a bit. So far, I find that works the best for us: have a small R talk and then sit back and let us both evaluate things.
I really feel for you having a bad day. The bad days make this so hard and I was having so many of them lately. It was awful. Funny thing is H said I seem so much happier recently. I guess when I am with him, I am more secure, but the times apart still scare me to DEATH. How deep of a convo do you think you will have with W? Maybe doing it in baby steps like me will work for you? Everybody, including you, said to be sure I am ready to let go if I tell him I am letting go. I realized I wasn't at that point yet. But I couldn't sit back any longer and not address certain things with him. Are you still aiming for the end of the month?
Sandy, I too am going to read your threads. I understand piecing is a very difficult place to me. There was a time when I would have been thrilled to be there, but now it just seems so SCARY and so tenuous. Even harder than when we were spending no time together at all.
WP - I am having trouble with the OW situation because I have no proof of anything. It just looks somewhat suspicious and a good friend of mine loves the old saying, If it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck..........
Anyway, I will check out your threads too. Thanks!
I think you're right on with the baby step approach. That's the same advice I've gotten from pretty much everyone. The truth is I'm not ready to lay down the rope yet. But something has to happen, there has to be some forward movement. This is killing me inside and killing any hope of a relationship between us.
I'm still shooting for the end of the month. I've heard and understand what she needs, and I thought I'd say something to the effect of "These few things are what I would need so that I can begin to give you what you want, and I'd like to talk with you about those sometime soon." Then just see how she responds. Positive and low/no pressure.
If she does agree to talk, I'd bring up coming back to our bedroom, emotional and physical closeness, and her affair. That one will be interesting. I know a lot more than she thinks I do.
I'm going to journal on my thread later with some thoughts. They're getting kind of jumbled up and I need to straighten them out a bit.
Hi everyone, it has been a while since I last posted. After a few painstaking weeks of "watching" my H and his actions, I came to the unequivocal conclusion that he just does not feel the right way about me. We've spent so much time together since October or so and things have not improved, no physical contact at all, and no emotional closeness. There is no husband/wife connection. If anything we've gotten even further apart, despite spending so much of our time together. Plus, I know there's OW involved in some form or fashion, whether or not they're sleeping together at this point is debatable.
So yesterday, I told H that although it wasn't what I wanted, I felt we needed to separate, that THIS (what we are doing) is just not working. We didn't get very far with the conversation, as it started to turn into an argument. So he left and we agreed we'll talk again after we cool down. We haven't agreed on a time to talk yet, it could be a few days or a few weeks. It doesn't matter to me too much when we have the talk as long as it comes relatively soon. In the meantime, I am going to start moving forward in my life now and the talk we will have will just be a formality: schedules, property, etc.
Everybody said I would know when the time was right for me to let go, and I feel it is now. How can I be with someone who clearly does not want to be with me. Who is only "putting time in?"
I am beyond sad though and am hurting pretty bad. No matter how much you think you are ready, it really hurts to let go of someone you have been with for 20 years. Perhaps that is part of the reason he has hung on to me in the way he has. Thanks again to those who offered advice to me on my thread.
HI I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am pretty much in the same boat you are. I started posting in the beginning, but I never kept up and just come here to read different posts. Just by reading about your pain makes me just cry and cry. I know those exact feelings you are going through. I wish I could just e mail you to talk about them privately. I am 44 years old with a 6 year old little girl. It's too painful to post here, even though I know it helps. Maybe one day soon I can post again.
I'm sorry you're in pain. I recently came to the same conclusion and told xBF he needed to leave our house. I had a rough day or two but feel at peace with my decision to move on. And even so I'm sure I still have more moments of doubt and/or sadness in my future. I think how much time it takes to move to acceptance is different for everyone.
Keep posting to get your feelings out. I think it's better to go through the fire directly than spend a longer time skirting the edges being singed.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
