New poster, random thoughts

[newgal]

Hi everyone, it is hard to believe I have been lurking here for over 6 months. I've read quite a few of the sitch's on here and am just totally amazed at the similarities for so many of us. Especially how close in age the majority seem to be!

By way of background, I am 38 and my husband is 40 and we have been separated since May. He moved out after we had a pretty heated argument regarding money. After the argument, it came out that he was not happy, didn't feel the same, etc. etc. For about two months, we lived as a separated couple, then after that, we started doing the odd thing here and there as a family (us and our son) such as dinner out, some day trips, etc. Come end of July, after several weeks of "hanging out" and me thinking we were on our way to piecing, I got hit with the bomb that he'd had an emotional affair. He said nothing happened physically and nothing would ever happen between them (reasons for this were vague). I had suspected nothing and it came out of left field. Besides the obvious devastation I felt, I was left feeling very confused because a few weeks earlier he had decided he wanted us to start doing things together as a family (so of course I figured that meant he wanted to work on things), yet after just a few weeks, he tells me he doesn't feel "that way" with me and tells me he had feelings for someone else, although he wouldn't tell me the timeframe of the affair.

I've tried a few db'ing principles (before I read this site, just because it seemed to make sense to me) and also made a few of the typical mistakes. All in all, considering my personality which can be pretty clingy and insecure, I think I did a pretty good job of detaching and giving him his space.

So fast forward a few months, here we are, still hanging out as a family most weekends and some weekdays also, and him still claiming he doesn't know what he wants, although he says he still loves me. Just not sure it is the right way.

This is quite a learning experience and here are a few things I think I have learned so far (no particular order):

1. If after 8 months (given others' situations, I realize 8 months is not that long, but I think it is an adequate amount of time for more relationships) he still doesn't know if he wants to be with me, then clearly he doesn't want me. At least not the way a husband is supposed to want his wife.

2. By the time a WAS actually walks away, the marriage has been dead from their point of view for a long long time, and will be very difficult to piece back together.

3. If separated for any period of time (anything over a couple months), it is very difficult to piece things back together simply because the separation itself works to distance the husband and wife even further. This is one of the areas where I've failed in the db'ing principles because several times I've told my H that I think the separation was putting even more of a wedge between us and I've asked (okay begged a little) him to come home simply so we could try to work on our problems while in a closer proximity to eachother. He's refused.

4. I've observed on here and this is definitely the case with my H and I, is that, while living as separated people, while the WAS MAY be working (very SLOWLY) towards coming home, over a period of time, the LBS, in not getting their needs met, is (very SLOWLY) detaching and drifting apart from the WAS. Certainly in my situation, my husband's rejection for sex and affection with me (seems he just wants to be friends), while maintaining friendships/relationships with other women (some secretly) is slowly but surely destroying my feelings for him. I mean seriously, how long can the LBS go on getting nothing from the WAS (except lies and deceit), and the relationship remain intact?

5. Often, the WAS has as much of a difficult time letting go of the LBS as the LBS has in letting go of the WAS and will, upon occasion, cling to the LBS or flounder in their decision. When this happens, when some crumb of affection gets tossed our way, we the LBS's will get our hopes up that the WAS is "coming round." I've gotten my hopes up sooooo many times with this, and learned, what I've had to do is to look at the whole picture and see that the odd moment of tenderness here and there is the minority, and the majority of the time, he's friendly, but cold and distant with me. You really need to look at how they behave the majority of the time.

6. Once the WAS has left the marital home, he or she pretty much feels they are free to do what they want and will justify any and all of their actions that involve members of the opposite sex. "We're separated, you can't tell me what to do, etc. etc." Very rarely does the LBS agree with this, as we are trying to save our marriage, and in fact, still feel we are in a marriage.

7. In almost all cases, when a couple splits up, there's another person involved. It is simply human nature to do this. This does not include cases of abuse, whether physical or emotional.

8. It is beyond devastating to find out that your spouse has had a relationship with another person. Ranks right up there with death.


Not sure where I had intended to go with this post. I guess I just wanted to introduce myself and chat with others going through the same thing. Would love to hear from those who are where I am at in their situations. While I want to save my marriage, I really am starting to think it is not going to happen. Hugs to you all.

[WaitingPatiently]

Hi Newgal,

Well, as you already noted, your situation mirrors so many others on this site, including my own. I think what I'm learning is that confusion on the WAS's part is a good thing. It means you may still have a chance to revive the relationship. My W and I are in that odd hanging out as a family stage, and while I am glad that we're no longer in the fighting like crazy stage, it is very difficult to see my W and have to think of her as just a friend. Particularly when she is continuing to talk to the OM that I believe she has had an EA with. My W lived out of the house for 2 months, but has just moved back in out of financial necessity. At first I thought this would hurt our chances of coming back together, but now I am beginning to think it may help us.

I definitely understand how you feel about the fact that your feelings may be dying, but just try to look at the big picture and don't let your H drag down into the darkness w/him. I don't know if that's the best advice, but that's what I try to do. I still love my W very much, even though she is not currently reciprocating that love. I am trying not to cast stones of judgment on her anymore, because I realize that we have all fallen short in some way or another. For me it was allowing my spells of depression to come between us and hurt our physical and emotional connection. Anyhow, none of us are perfect. If you still love your H and want to save your M then just don't let him see your pain; only show him a happy self confident woman that he will find attractive. I too was clingy and lacked self-confidence, so I think I understand where you are coming from. Good luck to you and keep posting. I have found this site to be so valuable to just vent and gain perspective. I hope you have a nice new year.

WP

[karen43]

I too was clingy and lacked self-confidence, so I think I understand where you are coming from.
WP

Thanks for posting! I'm a fellow former clingy and I had no self-confidence person too! DBing has really helped me with that.

I agree with you and all the points you make. I do think a lot of our WAS will at some point realize what they've done and want to work on the M, but a lot of us LBS may not care. I am relatively detached as I can be, but I don't worry about what will happen in the future like I used to. More focused on just living in the moment and day by day. If my WAS ever wanted to work on the marriage, only if it was before we divorced, then I might consider it, but I think it would be tough, b/c all my friends and family would go crazy!!! And I do think it would be very difficult to ever repair the trust and hurt that we've gone through. But I know some here have done exactly that. Karen

[whateverittakes]

I'd like to share my thoughts.

I've been dbing for 9 months - h thinks I'm doing just great and is enjoying his new relationship with the ow he thinks may be "the love of his life" - probably on a guilt-free basis! But what's the point in him feeling guilty anyway? I care about him and want him to be happy, have forgiven him while at the same time recognize that alot of his behaviour has been less than what I deserve.

So, what about dbing? Here's what I think at this point:

1. dbing can work very well in restoring a marriage if the WAS is truly confused and wants to work through that confusion; in other words, if they have any hope left for the m

2. if the WAS is captivated by an op, forget dbing to restore the marriage; make sure you're doing it only for yourself

3. if the #2 is the case, truly let go, move on; if you want to, start dating and don't hesitate to indirectly let your h know that you're doing it

4. dating other people won't keep your h away if he truly at some point realizes that it's you he wants; a pathway of fire won't hold someone back from someone they love

5. to keep the door open to the h crossing that pathway of fire, sure, stay nice and friendly (just like you would to a neighbour), but go dark as much as possible ONCE they have seen the changes in you

6. keep those changes up, for you, not him; and he'll hear about it or see it in those few contacts you may have

7. and if fate would have it and he returns, well, you've gone on with your life without building up more hurt, pain and emotional damage; without denying yourself any opportunities for growth and happiness. Patience does not mean waiting. And who knows, you may find something that brings more happiness to your life than the potential for a restored marriage. Because even if h comes back, the piecing is not guaranteed. They have to really want it and they're less likely to want something that they think they could have had all along.

Sometimes it's just not meant to be and sometimes it is - dbing can't change that reality it can only make it easier either way -for us, not them.

[karen43]

3. if the #2 is the case, truly let go, move on; if you want to, start dating and don't hesitate to indirectly let your h know that you're doing it

I agree with your points, except for #3. In my state, if I had a boyfriend or committed adultery, I was told by my L and the judge that would affect our D financially. It's ok for H to A, b/c he is paying the child support/custody but I guess if I had a boyfriend that would change. Doesn't seem fair, but there it is.

Also, I personally don't agree that dating is right for a married person. I couldn't sleep at night if I did that. I also think I wouldn't be interested in someone that would date a married person, which is what anyone we would date would be like. I mean not the kind of person I could admire or respect. I also would think if you and your WAS are both dating, you might as well just give up 100% on your M then. Because most likely it will be over no matter what.

I know some people here date, but just think it adds extra complications and stuff. I think DBing is more to focus on your and your family and not an OP. Karen

[WaitingPatiently]

I absolutely agree. Bad behavior does not excuse bad behavior. I don't mean that to sound judgmental, it's just that I feel that we cannot allow our morals too be compromised just because our WAS may have compromised their own. What makes us different?

[sonshyn]

I think this is an interesting topic. It does go to show that through DBing and this website, some people find their marriages and some find themselves. Right now, I'm not sure which one I really want, but I do know that the steps of living for myself will help me prepare for my future regardless of my M outcome.

I also agree that it just isn't right for a married person to date. That's what separates me from my H at this time.

K

[whateverittakes]

I would not equate dating with adultery.... dating is going out, not having sex. I am not prepared to have sex with another man while I am married. But if I met someone whom I fell in love with and want to progress the physical relationship, that would mean that I would be the one to file for divorce. This is what I mean by not waiting. I have a life ahead of me; why should I wait for a man who says that he won't file for divorce until he needs to (that is, wants to marry someone else)?

[karen43]

I'm thinking if you're both dating, what's the point of marriage really? If you want to date, I also think sex will happen if you do that. I mean I think it's unrealistic to think it won't. If you're ready to move on with your life, then I think you should file. You could give it a certain time limit (not that you give him but in your own mind) when you would be ready to file also like 3 months, 6 months, or a year or whatever. I will get divorced sometime this year, and I'm in no rush. We'll have been separated for at least a year if not longer. I see it as time to get healthy, happy, and get my act together so I can have a healthy R in the future. I think slow is good in this process...of course it's my 1st time going through this, but just my feeling about it. Karen

[Superstar]

But if I met someone whom I fell in love with and want to progress the physical relationship, that would mean that I would be the one to file for divorce.

Why do you need another man waiting in the wings before you will file for divorce?

If you don't have self-respect, you can't love yourself, and if you can't love yourself...

How can you love someone else?