eternally frustrated

[cozyp828]

my wife knows that she has a low libido, and refuses to do anything about it, because she would rather sleep than have sex, and doesn't care for my needs. she feels that sex is unimportant and the more i tell her it's very important, the more she tells me that there are millions like her and if i don't like it, there's the door.

we continually have sex once a month on her terms. once she is satisfied, i then have to wait another month to do it again. if i try to initiate, she pushes me away and tells me to leave her alone. she just doesn't understand and will not try to meet me half way.

i truly feel that this marriage is on it's way out.

how can someone be married to someone that doesn't feel or desire the other the same way? we are on opposite sides of the spectrum and all i would like is to meet half way. i don't expect sex everyday, just a little desire from her would be fulfilling: stealing a moment to make-out, hearing from her how much she wants me too, etc. she tells me that i live in a dream and that i should stop acting like a 15 yr old. i can't. when i see her i desire her and now i have been trying to turn myself off towards her because of her continually rejecting my every move.

nothing has improved since my last posting, and she refuses to seek counceling.

[cozyp828]

this fight has been going on for years. my wife refuses to listen to reason. i am 44 and still alive with desire for her. she is 42. we have been married for 16 years, and i still desire her as if it was our first meeting. whenever i see her most of the time, i just want to grab her and tell her how much i love and desire her. i still get very excited whenever she is close to me, and whenever she touches me. she still holds my hand or arm whenever we are shopping; she still calls me "honey" in front of others or when alone, but it stops there. we go to bed after a happy day and it's goodnight, nothing more.

she has also been sleeping with pillows between us for the past 8 months, and feels that there is nothing wrong with it. i call it the separation pillow, a metaphor of how she truly feels about us, and she says that it's all in my mind, my low self-esteem. she would ask me to rub her back, or massage her, and now i cannot get close to her in bed, to hold or cuddle with her, to spoon with her. she told me the other night that she finds doing those things annoying anyway, and she's glad that we no longer do those things. it's a wall and she just doesn't get it.

i went for councelling months ago hoping that she would follow, but didnt' because she said that there is nothing wrong with her, and that i was wasting my time, because all he was saying was only what i wanted to hear. i stopped going because he said that we could not accomplish anything without her in the councelling. he said that there was nothing wrong with me, but she has issues.

i just don't get it. i work 3-4 jobs, do many tasks in the household as a husband/parent, spend as much time with her as possible, talk to her on the cell everyday as we go to work, try to be as good of a husband, friend, and parent as possible, but it doesn't bring us closer sexually.

i now truly feel that she no longer loves me in the sexual way, that she only "loves" me because of the kind of person i am: giving, loving, responsible,caring, putting her and others before my welfare. these are the reasons why i am no longer desired: i am boring, predictable. she knows where i will be everyday, what i will be doing. nothing shocking or different. and she knows that she can prevent having sex with me because what am i going to do? leave?

[Cinco]

Hi cozy and welcome to the SSM forum. You are in very much the same situation I have been in for many years. Married to a dear friend who has no sexual desire for me any longer and feels perfectly happy with just a "platonic friendship marriage".

That last paragraph you wrote hints at what might help you get the "mojo" back in your marriage. Do something unpredictable. Get that motorcycle (or whatever big boy toy) you always dreamed of. Go on a hunting or golfing trip with your buddies. Shake things up a bit, you get the idea. Don't be a jerk about it, just do something for yourself.

You'll be the same caring/supportive husband, just a little more exciting.

Cinco