Hey everyone. My arrival here is probably a bit premature, but I need insight.
Quick recap:
Me 31, H 35, 15 month old son, married less than 2 years. No OW or OM, H had very bad patterns involving his anger management. I insisted that he get counseling or leave. He refused either option. June 10th I told him to move out June 20th I filed for divorce July 5th said he wanted to start counseling. Went a few times but then lost his insurance. July 24th I found DB/DR and this board. Realized all my mistakes and realized I don't want the D. August he had a complete breakdown, hit rock bottom and told me he still loves me and doesn't want to lose me.
The last two weeks we have been "dating," talking a lot, and he now refers to this as a "separation." He calls me almost every night and has come over here once now in the last week. I told my lawyer to hold everything until I see how serious he is.
And here's the latest.
The last 24 hrs I have been a great example of how NOT to DB. H has been reaching out, being honest, and last night I basically slammed the door shut on his heart. Didn't mean to. Trying not to beat myself up. He made an innocent comment, I took it the wrong way and fell back into bad "assuming the worst" patterns, and wound up crying my eyes out.
But this time he was there for me. He told me last night doesn't change anything, I just had a bad night and it's "his job" to be there for me. (!?!?) Then he said "I'm trying to get back together with you! What do you think has been going on here?" Well, color me dumb, I guess. I really didn't think he'd let this out so soon.........
Still I've had a terrible PMA day and need to get it out.
I don't know about any of this. Last night H told me that what happened didn't matter, and today he seems to be changing his tune. He said "I still have doubts after last night." Well, duh - does he think I don't? I felt this ice cold feeling in the pit of my stomach when he said that. I don't know if I can go through this again if it doesn't work out. Tonight he said "Don't worry about it... knowing you, you'll agonize over this and I'll have forgotten all about it."
I can feel myself starting to fall back into these old frantic habits. Worrying and obsessing. A few days ago he was so nervous and upset and acted like he wanted me to believe in him again. Now that I've let him in and probably - in all honesty - slipped into mild pursuit mode, he's being weird.
I'm not feeling very good about myself. I feel like I'm about to make a snap decision because I am so scared. Once again, when he reaches out for support, I'm there. But if I seem the least bit "needy" in his eyes, he's long gone. It isn't fair and I don't want to sign up for another round of this.
Can some of the experienced DBers tell me if these ups and downs are normal? What am I doing wrong? How are you supposed to live these tenets when your understanding of them is so new and fragile, and your spouse wants to have OR talks CONSTANTLY?! I'm not so adept at this that I can get complete detachment at those moments. Please help.
He shattered my PMA last night and I know he didn't mean to... I know it's my problem... I just don't like this bad feeling I have. Last night he specifically said he wanted to get back together, moaned and cried about how much he misses me and wants to be with me, and today he's back to "whatever happens, happens." He's cold and acting like what I say doesn't matter to him. He said "We're spending time together so you can see my point of view, and hopefully I can see yours." I believe that his statements last night were from the heart. He was in tears and wouldn't leave even after I told him to MORE than once. So what's up with the attitude now?
He says I worry too much. I guess I need to take a lesson in detachment from him. I just really, really, need a break. I don't know what to do. He wants the girl he went out with last week. I want that girl, too. I WAS that girl. But now I feel this tremendous pressure to be her. And I'm not feeling up to it at the moment.
Last night was the first "fight" in this "reconciliation" that he doesn't even think of as a reconciliation 24 hours later. I'm afraid I've blown it yet I'm so angry at him for picking me apart. Ughhhhhhhhh.
Don't worry about a mistake. No one "mistake" is going to blow the whole thing. There's a term for that kind of worrying---"catastrophizing," I think. A mistake is not a catastrophe.
Could you apologize for the mistake and move on? Surprise him w/ the recovery of your PMA.
I don't know your whole sitch, but is counseling a part of this? Could you leave the OR talks for then and spend a different kind of time together outside the c?
Thanks for your response. I guess if one mistake blew this it wasn't real to begin with huh? Good point. I like the catastrophe thing -- I do that. Too much. He keeps telling me not to worry so I'm just doing this to myself for nothing. Helps to vent though.
Our insurance just started Sept 1. (Yes, I included him on mine since he doesn't have it.) I'd like to get counseling and he keeps talking about it. I really feel like if I bring it up, it will be construed as pressure and could do more harm than good at this point.
I'll work on the PMA. We have a date Friday so I need to show him I'm fine.
During our years long dance of anger we had two steps going. I would take my frustrations, fears, irritations, slights-whatever- and internalize the anger. I described myself as a pot on the stove that would always finally reach the boiling point and spill out, leaving a mess but empty of anger. I always felt better after a blow up. My H was the kind who would gather his bits of anger which were preceded by hurt, insults, fear--whatever--and then stuff that anger deep inside himself. At some point he would have what they call "flooding" and yell and scream. He channelled that energy into acting. He was very very good w his acting.
We bought a study guide that had to deal w handling anger and "fighting" in a healthy manner.
I suggest you spend some time at a book store and find a interpersonal communication guide plus something for anger. Nigel (newcomers) has good stuff re anger management.
We jokinly refer to our cyber roll of duct tape which is good for making us just shut-up around our Hs sometimes. Really, sometimes a powerful 180 is too just keep our mouths closed when before we would talk and talk.
I wish you luck as you and your husband bring your dance into balanced choreography. I wish my H and I had taken lessons long ago.
