I think my old thread is locked as I can't seem to respond; also I now go by WaitingPatiently. I hope you all will know who this is. My W and I are going on a one night trip tomorrow w/out D4; please wish me luck and give me any last minute advice on what to do/not do. I am planning on staying away from all conversations about the relationship, and I am planning on being as pleasant and happy as possible. I hope we will have a good stress free time. Night all.
Oh, Puppy, Karen, or Sonshyn, what would either of you say to your spouse if they kept telling you that they did not feel that you loved them either? My W keeps saying that she doesn't believe that I love her and that I don't show her love the way I used to. She also is convinced that I only want to remain with her because I don't want to be divorced (sort of for appearances sake). I don't know why she thinks that, and I don't know how to show her love w/out appearing to be pursuing (hence the gift buying last night). Anyhow, I just don't know the right way to respond to her when she says those things. Do you think she really believes that or that she's just trying to make herself feel better about the way she feels about me?
Oh, Puppy, Karen, or Sonshyn, what would either of you say to your spouse if they kept telling you that they did not feel that you loved them either?
Well, it would depend on your W's love language I guess. Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? That and DR are my 2 favorite books!
The author says that people have different ways of feeling/expressing love: through Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, or Acts of Service. I think it becomes a problem when people don't express love in the love language that your W enjoys. For example, after reading the book I realized I'm Words of Affirmation, I need compliments and praise, and my H's love language is Acts of Service. He would do Acts of Service all the time for me and I didn't understand that's how he expresses love, and the way he prefers to get love I think also.
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Anyhow, I just don't know the right way to respond to her when she says those things. Do you think she really believes that or that she's just trying to make herself feel better about the way she feels about me?
Maybe both? My H was always saying early on I just needed him, but didn't really love him. I have to admit I thought I did really need him and couldn't live without him, but I also loved him. But if you can figure out which is her love language and express it through that way. I mean it sounds like your love language is maybe Gifts? But probably hers is one of the others, and you might want to express love in that way. Karen
Listen to Karen. I have been in a SSM for the past 3 years. And I am now hearing (from a good F friend that W confides in BUT W doesn't know that FF and I are close) that my W thinks I could not possibly have loved her because of the SSM aspect. Obviously this was one of her LL, despite her saying continuously that sex was not at all important to her.
Remember, when they say things they may not really believe them but are TRYING to convince themselves of them.
It's f'd up WP - patience is key.
Figure out the LL and go from there.
Last edited by lost_in_space; 12/29/0803:31 AM.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I think that Puppy has the best response. You are validating how she is feeling without debating whether it is true or not. I also agree that you need to discover her LL. My H is words of affirmation, buy mine is acts of service and I discovered that I was expressing love in the wrong language for a very long time. Rectifying that is so difficult.
I think she is just trying to convince herself that's true to justify her own feelings.
Thank you all. I am thinking long and hard about the ways I showed my w love when we first fell in love 15 years ago. I think you all have hit the nail on the head with your advice. I hope everyone has a happy new year!
I'm trying to figure out at what point you decide that you are just wasting your time. I had a really fun New Year's Eve w/my W, just as friends of course, but nonetheless a lot of fun. So this morning I'm laying in bed and I can hear her talking about her plans to move back out in September (she just moved back in yesterday) once our daughter starts free public school and she can afford her own place and car. She told her friend that she doesn't ever see us together again. Yesterday she was asking me about taking a trip to Cancun together this year, and when I was looking up potential dates she asked why I hadn't looked for times around our anniversary. I didn't reply. Is she confused or just manipulative? I just don't want to waste the next 9 months of my life on someone who could give a sh*t about me or our marriage. She still talks to the OM who it is very clear she at the very least had an EA with. What the hell do I do?? Do I keep trying these DB techniques like doing 180s, acting as if, always being happy, etc., and hope that the next 9 months can work in my favor or do I just put an end to this now? I just really am beginning to feel like I am wasting my time, and I know that I deserve better than that. WP
I think it all depends on how you're holding up, and how long YOU think you can do it. Personally, I think she's manipulative and a world-class cake-eater, but that doesn't necessarily mean you can't sway her by "being the better option" and living that life out in front of her for the next 6-9 months.
I'd suggest you study A in Ohio's and Hope4Us's threads, IN DEPTH. They are both very good at DBing, while laying down and enforcing boundaries, and knowing when to pull back. And their wives seem to respond to that approach.
In your sitch, I see lots of carrots, but no sticks.
