I think " throwing darts " may come back to haunt you and will defiantely not hit the " Target"
Why can't you just think that saying to yourself ? Why confront someone that is nasty and angry?
Just stick with the " I'm sorry that you are hurting" and leave it that?
JMHO
Sunny
P.S. In the past when Iv'e been dying to use a DARTand DID throw it his way..things just exculated to the point of a full blown out, dragged out fight!
LauraOH and 25mlc, I just went back and read your postings and conversations.
Such wisdom.......I have respect for both of U that have fought so hard......for your marriages. Long time...married here with a lot of bumps in the road...... I see myself in U laura....I went thru alot of emotional abuse... ( and people say that emotional abuse hurts more than the physical ) God he knows how to hit me emotionally...He knows the buttons to push.
But that stopped along time ago..........
I still stand with the post above.. Unless you think throwing these darts will make U feel better?
And a truth dart that has been swimming around in me just WAITIng for the right time is this one:
Hurting people hurt people.
The next time my H says something nasty, this will be "thrown" at him. Along with:
I'm very sorry you are hurting H. I will know when you aren't in your own pain when you can speak decently to me.
What do you think?
How about just saying "I won't be talked to like that" or "Call me when you can speak with the respect I deserve" and then leave the room.
No need to psycho analyze him. Just set your boundaries and enforce them
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
There are no secret words to this. If there's any "secret", it's that WE cannot change THEM
and it's a waste of our precious time trying...
My h changed b/c I did....and I did NOT change for him.
Yes I had issues, among them an intense fear of what would happen to our family if he left.
And although I felt he made selfish choices, (using "overworking is FOR the family" etc)
I didn't react in a healthy way and I held a grudge, mainly b/c I thought forgiving would lead to more
selfishness. When he came home after a LONG day I'd answer the door with crossed arms, figuratively and literally. I didn't feel safe being warm to him (idiotic in hindsight)
I didn't think I was punishing him so much as "teaching" him and until
my db coach said "that's NOT a spouse's job", I didn't get it.
(What if INSTEAD, I had warmly welcomed him home and encouraged the kids to do the same? What if I gave him something to miss???)
Plus, my "approach" had not worked for YEARS!!
....but I'm so darn brilliant,
I didn't change a thing...just figured h would miraculously "get it"...
Finally, reality set in. H was leaving no matter what I did or said.
I had to deal with it and I had 2 d's still at home.
When I really accepted that it was likely to end, and my L and I figured I
was not making myself more vulnerable by being in the same home
(D16 had to finish high school anyhow, and the house was recently purchased and both D's priorities were NOT moving or switching schools)
since the L said my plan (stability for the girls)
was safe
I knew what my immediate plan was logistically. Emotionally, I detached in a big way.
And yet I was warm and loving when h was here....but he KNEW I had a life without him.
He missed home life, and he missed me.
He said what I needed to hear, more than once, and over a period of time.
If he had not, I would have simply ended it when D16 graduated.
You must DETACH...have you worked on that? Seriously? B/C you are very attached to
the results.
At some point, we have to simply do our REAL BEST, and leave the results up to God...
and let it go.
It's impossible to move forward (never mind forgiving)
and it's impossible to be happy
without letting go.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh my goodness, yes, I know how to detach. Detachment to my old screaming H wasn't hard, trust me. It's been a fabulous 6 months of peace, as far as that goes.
I was thinking *maybe* he'd learned something after almost 6 months of no contact. The ultimate in going dark, eh?lol. Never did that one before but it's supposedly powerful.
And he's had counseling. So *maybe* there has been some change--not that I am going to "make it happen". Maybe it just did happen. I gave that over to God a long time ago.
I should probably have a 5 minute conversation and find out--I'll know in about 5 minutes "where he's at".
Not that I care--haven't called him, have been busy, it's all about me at the moment, thanks very much.
And then YOUR question of "what do I want" threw me. I thought you could see "something" I was missing. I had already accepted that this was over--the forgiveness is coming along great, school is great, I have a bucket list, friends, had my first "party" Sat night, I volunteer for Hospice, etc.
All things my H wouldn't let me do--I'm painting walls, took up carpet, re-tiled bathroom, put up PICTURES and put HOLES in the wall.(gasp)lol.
And the "warm and loving at home thing". Ok, I learned 7 years ago all about that one--I made it so wonderful at home for him that he wouldn't let me leave! I cooked favorite meals, rubbed feet for hours, watched all his shows, never, ever, NEVER said a cross word or complained--he LOVED coming home.
And I'm not complaining--I was a good wife and I know it. I LOVE that I did that and was that person.
Like I said--when I got the ILYNIL speach AGAIN ????? OMG--I was a LOT less than "warm at home" and went out and had FUN!
And I'm still having it!
I just happen to like truth darts--one of the many things I learned here that have been helpful to me over the years. I used them before (on him) and they helped.
I was thinking *maybe* he'd learned something after almost 6 months of no contact. The ultimate in going dark, eh?lol. Never did that one before but it's supposedly powerful.
See, to me, this ^^^ is contradictory. There's some confusion there. Right after you say you are detached, you then wonder about what is going on with HIM...but my question is, who cares? Honestly, the man has been repeatedly violent and made no moves to reconciliation. Who cares if he's "working" on things? Who wouldn't at this point? He's either on parole or probation. Of course he's getting c.
And he's had counseling. So *maybe* there has been some change--not that I am going to "make it happen". Maybe it just did happen. I gave that over to God a long time ago. Again, some contradictions. All about him & potential change, but then you say you gave it over to God...
I should probably have a 5 minute conversation and find out--I'll know in about 5 minutes "where he's at". Not that I care--haven't called him, have been busy, it's all about me at the moment, thanks very much. See ^^^ for more conflicting commentary. Why do you care about this? You may want to look at this L...
And then YOUR question of "what do I want" threw me.... I had already accepted that this was over--the forgiveness is coming along great, All things my H wouldn't let me do-- Like I said--when I got the ILYNIL speach AGAIN ????? OMG--I was a LOT less than "warm at home" and went out and had FUN!
SO, what changed your thinking that it was over? What has happened that leads you to ponder HIS changes...?? I'm missing something. I thought he filed for divorce, he hit you, twice, he "fell out of love" and isn't there an OW too?
I just happen to like truth darts--one of the many things I learned here that have been helpful to me over the years. I used them before (on him) and they helped.
But yes, I know and LOVE detachment.lol.
"Truth darts" is a phrase I've never heard. How did they help you before?
What's the goal of saying them? Just curious.
here's what you said that really got me thinking.... You said"
See, I think that too--I can *never* be as devastated as that first time. So...what the heck? What do I have to lose?? I don't think it will make TONS of difference one way or the other but... I know this guy--I know him inside and out. What is the harm of throwing him a truth dart now and then? Being kind, or encouraging him if I am able to. Am I fooling myself? Or am I that strong now??
This is NOT what I meant when I said I felt empowered knowing I'd never be hurt that way again. I meant 1) h would not do his MLC thing again b/c If I thought there was a real chance of it, I'd have been done, and or 2) IF he did, I'd be done and out before he could say "Stop". And I would not look back.
So I'm not clear on what your goals are here. The truth darts are for what? His benefit? Does he say annoying angry things to you now? Lifes' too short to put up with that. End those talks with a fast hang up.
Do you think a "zinger" is going to make him really think?
If it's a word of encouragement, call it that, b/c a "truth DART" just sounds painful and targetted at someone, & that just doesn't ring as coming from a place of love or light. KWIM?
Also, Do you care what he thinks of you now?
Your h hit you. And he did it again. And your kids know this. And he went to jail for it. And he filed div papers after he went through his whole "not in love with you" again...
In the rarest of circumstances, I have heard of a man who "lost it" and hit his wife, ONCE... and had his wife take him back, never to do it again.
I have never heard of a man doing it a second time and not doing it again...
2 times, it's a life pattern even if it takes a year or two before it happens again. Two strikes, you're out. He's out. Sorry Laura, I meant for you to forgive so none of your energy would be spent wondering about his counselling, or if he's changed from his counselling, or if he asks how school is for you etc....
he was your h a long time and I know it's hard to pretend he's gone for good as if he's dead. I'm not saying you have to do that.
But he crossed such a serious boundary (more than once and it's not the only unacceptable behavior of his) and with your sons watching and seeing his example, and do you have daughters??
I may be misinterpreting what you said.
It almost SOUNDS to me as if you are open to some sort of reconciliation with him
and I don't get that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
For the record: No OW--either this time or last. He never said he didn't love me, he just said he couldn't "do this" any longer. Wanted to move, didn't want me to go to school for nursing, has health issues, thought he killed someone last May. It's easier to give the old standby acronym of "ILYNIL"
He struck me once. He was threatening 2 other times. I called the police all 3 x. I have a S15. No daughters.
What has changed? Made me ponder his changes?
Well, for one thing--the Going Dark being a technique and my never uing it before.
And our no contact being done. He has come to the house--knocked on the door--sat on the porch instead of staying in the car.
When he is out of my sight--BELIEVE ME--he is out of my mind.lol.
he was your h a long time and I know it's hard to pretend he's gone for good as if he's dead. I'm not saying you have to do that. But.....
Doesn't that "but" mean that you DO mean for me to do just that? Pretend he is dead? or something?
Ok--I'm just not able to be that person. I have a son that is watching ME too.
NOT open to reconciliation with the person he was 6 months ago--NO WAY.
ALWAYS open to a reconciliation with a person that has grown. Has he? Don't know.
I have an older couple at church--the H went to prison for assault. They are together. They happen to be a good friend's sister and brother-in-law. I NEVER knew before this, that this happened to them. And also others have told me that they have had issues this way. I didn't think you could stay together either but God sure put a LOT of people into my path that have faced this before.
I am trusting God to give me a way back, if he wants this for me. Otherwise, God seems to also keep putting people in my path that are super fun, encouraging, interesting...and there has been no path "back" revealed to me as of yet. It just keeps going forward in the most interesting ways!!
I think I thought your post had some insight that way. But nope--God still wants me to have fun!
