Ignore the affair or throw him out?

[pearlharbr]

I've been posting over in Newcomers but I thought I'd come here to ask you guys specifically about dealing with a cheating partner. I have been trying to read a buch of sitchs but honestly at this point I'm a little burnt out.

I have heard/read conflicting advice so I thought I'd just ask for some brief responses. My DB coach tells me to focus on being a friend to my BF and not bring up the A. She wants me to be fun and friendly while GAL. But Puppy and others maintain that you cannot do this while the A is going on. This is where my gut is right now because how can I possibly act like nothing is wrong when he is blatantly cheating and lying?

So what has worked/is working for you? Are you ignoring your spouse's affair with the conviction that the OW/M will eventually go away because s/he isn't the cause of your problems? Did you expose the affair and kick your cheating spouse out?

I am currently struggling with the decision of whether to stay and fight or simply leave my relationship. I don't know if I have the patience and strength to practice DBing or even if I want him back at this point. I'm just looking for some guidance in this confusing, painful time.

[runningoutoftime]

I personally believe in exposing an affair. I cannot live with lies.

Prior to making any decisions about staying or leaving (or requesting OP leaves), you need to look closely at the pros and cons of the situation. What do you get by staying, and what do you get by leaving.

Another thing to consider... do you someday want to get married and have children? If so, do you think this guy would be good husband/father material? To me, it would seem too risky.

[pearlharbr]

No plans for children with anyone. Marriage is debatable but I guess I would say yes. I used to believe that I would like to find someone to share the rest of my life with, piece of paper optional (hence why we have been together for 8+ years and not married). Now I'm not sure I believe in that, but that could be the emotions talking.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Pearl,

I'm sorry you're still struggling with this. I'll wait to see what other views and opinions you get; you obviously know mine.

Hugs,

Puppy

[pearlharbr]

Thanks Puppy.

I really do value your opinion and insight. The struggle I have internally is more about me. Am I the type of person who will fight for my R or am I the type of person who will walk away?

[karen43]

So what has worked/is working for you? Are you ignoring your spouse's affair with the conviction that the OW/M will eventually go away because s/he isn't the cause of your problems? Did you expose the affair and kick your cheating spouse out?

I am currently struggling with the decision of whether to stay and fight or simply leave my relationship. I don't know if I have the patience and strength to practice DBing or even if I want him back at this point. I'm just looking for some guidance in this confusing, painful time.

Well, I tried to follow DB to the letter. I lived with my H for about 5 months while he was having the A, and in retrospect I wish I had kicked him out. He was treating me with total disrespect and I didn't deserve that.

I don't know that you have to make up your mind at this point, when you are confused and all. I mean I continue to DB for my kids and myself, no longer for my M. I don't really feel like I have to make the decision about giving up on the marriage, but I know it's easier for me b/c my H has been doing all the work of D. I just kind of go along with the flow. I've never really made that big decision to give up on the marriage or not. I don't really think it was me that ended our M, and not up to me whether we reconcile or not. So I'm focused more on me and my family, etc.

[gucci loafer]

Well,
Here is one who got kicked to the curb and is now willing to do anything to reconcile.
She took charge IMMEDIATELY. Observe what happened. Listen to what he is saying NOW.
still_hopeful_to_reconcile

had an affair in the fall of 2005. XW was told about it by her brother who was told by their mother. Yes, I made many bad choices in making the affair mistake. As anyone who has an affair will probably tell you, there were reasons (translation: excuses) why I had my affair. After XW find out, she told me to move out and I did.

Ah ha... Look at his response when she CONFIDENTLY told him to immediately move out.... Changed man huh?

I began seeing a counselor, and I told her that the affair wasn't meant to end my marriage; I didn't want a divorce.

Looks like kicking him to the curb worked quite well. I don't recall him saying that SHE tried doing any 180's to change herself like many on this site do.

Lastly, I am sure that others have had a much rougher path to reconciling, but I want to know what all of my brothers and sisters here think about my scenario and I would also greatly appreciate any encouragement you all can offer as I stand firm in my quest to reconcile my marriage and win my family back.

This man is like most men. They respond best when a woman gets strong. They respond best when the woman lets him go.
This is no different than the men on here who are betrayed spouses who didn't wake up until the wife wanted out or said she was done.


Here is another example

LoveNoMatterWhat

Hi everybody,
Here is my situation. My wife of 6 years finally had our divorce finalized about three month ago. She filed and was right for doing it. To make a long story short, I left the house and moved in with a guy friend of mine. For the next two years I was in and out of my wife/daughters life. In short, I neglected them and I was wrong for doing it. I always loved my wife, but I couldn’t handle the stress of being a dad at the time. I never wanted children (so I thought) and I guess you can say our daughter was unplanned. She was right for leaving.

Notice that he did NOT wake up UNTIl she let him see she was done with him.

About six months before the divorce, she would beg and plea for me to move back in – to be a family. I was stupid, immature, and did not realized what a great family I had till it was taken away.

His OWN WORDS. "He didn't realize what he had UNTIL it was taken away."

About two months before we got a divorce – I guess you can say I woke up. I realized that I did love my wife and daughter – that I really did what to be with my family. I asked my wife to take me back and she told me that she didn’t love me anymore. I made the mistake and begged, cried, and pleaded with her to take me back. I only drove her further away.

I want to be reconciled with my ex-wife so badly. I love her and my daughter so much. I didn’t realize the sacrifices and work that having a family takes – I was a fool for ever leaving.

Look what happens when they find someone else.....
Total turn around for the relationship. This woman had once been the one begging and pleading and trying (which didn't work) and suddenly lets go and the tables are now turned. Look who is begging and pleading now.

To further complicate things, she has a best friend (that's a male) that she has known for about 20 years. Her best friend has always been there for her and my daughter, especially when I left the house. Although they are only friends, they are in the process of buying a house together. She tells me that that is the only way she can get a house in a good neighborhood for our daughter. I know that she doesn't have feelings for the guy, but I am having a hard time dealing with it. She calls me on the phone and tells me how excited she is about finally having a house for her and our daughter (we always lived in an apartment). I tell how that that is awesome and that I am so happy for her. Even if she gets the house with her best friend, I still plan on not giving up. It is just right now I am in so much pain and have been crying almost every single day.

[runningoutoftime]

The struggle I have internally is more about me. Am I the type of person who will fight for my R or am I the type of person who will walk away?

I don't see this as being about the type of person you are.

I think the bigger question is if this particular R is the one to fight for?

It may be that neither one of you wanted to get married because this wasn't meant to be a "together the rest of our lives" kind of relationship. Just something to consider...

[pearlharbr]

A little cross-posting--I said this on my thread in Newcomers but would love to get input from anyone here as well.

As of right now I have decided to tell BF that if he continues A with OW then I want him to leave. I would love to hear your thoughts on how to word that exactly.

Here's what I'm thinking, but it is after 3am...

"I have told you before that I find your affair with OW unacceptable. It is disrespectful to me and our life together. I can't stop you from cheating but I refuse to be lied to anymore. I love you very much, and don't want to break up. I am willing to work on any and all issues, including mine, but I simply cannot do it while you are having an affair. If you choose to continue this affair I want you out of this house."

Thoughts?

The risk I am taking is that he will have the locks changed while I am out of town and I will end up being the one on the street. Not probable, but anything is possible these days. So I can either have this conversation Monday night before I leave for SF (early Tues morn) or I can save it for when we are both back in town 1/4.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

"I have told you before that I find your affair with OW unacceptable. It is disrespectful to me and our life together. I can't stop you from cheating but I refuse to be lied to anymore. I love you very much, and don't want to break up. I am willing to work on any and all issues, including mine, but I simply cannot do it while you are having an affair. If you choose to continue this affair I want you out of this house."

Thoughts?

I think that's perfect. But don't do it if you're not prepared to accept the risks. Is there a fallback plan you can come up with for a place to stay temporarily?

Puppy