So, I mentioned previously on One Day's thread that I've been busy because I've been selling my house. H & I did sell our house and we have gotten separate apartments. While we were splitting up our assets, H had told me that he said he wasn't ready for a divorce. That I might be ready, but he wasn't.
Since then, we hung out alot. We basically saw each other every day. We talked about taking a vacation together. We would kiss on the lips hello and good bye. Held hands for short periods of time.
In the meantime, he would talk negatively about OW. How horrible she was for him, how he would never be with her again. This is different then stuff I know otherwise through friends of friends. So, basically, he continues to lie to me about her.
We both are dating other people. We talk about it openly, to the point that I give him advice about women.
How do I feel: I still cry...isn't that crazy? I tell my therapist...it is as if my mind knows that I want a divorce, but my heart doesn't.
I'm tired of talking about this (one of the reasons why I'm not on the site anymore). I just can't believe that this is so hard still, even though I feel like I have grown SOO much! Do you all understand? For example...I feel so good about my life, about how far I've come, but I'll still panic when I think about H w/ OW. I'll still cry over the betrayal. I'll feel so strong when I'm not with him and then I just MELT when I'm with him. It's like I need to care less about him and his life.
He wants to hang out for Christmas. I said yes, but now I want to say no. I want to tell him that I know about his feelings for OW. I know, through sources, that he is going to try it again with her but going to be cautious. Cautious...what does that mean to him? Secretive again?
I really don't know how I feel about any of this anymore. Does anyone have advice on how to get over the feeling of "being defeated" if he ends up with her? I have realized that I may want to be friends with him if we do end up being divorced, but I don't think I can ever accept HER or HER being in his life. Is that fair? He reminds me of Him alone or us. But him with her: that reminds me of the worst time in my life. I just can't deal with it. Honestly, I sit here and think: If he ends up with her....I just can't see myself being able to see him.
Wait, I just realized. She wants to try and make it work. And he is willing to give that a shot. But he hasn't been willing to give US a shot? Her a shot. Not me. Ugh.
We are supposed to meet up tonight for dinner and shopping. How best to handle it?
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
