Hi Everyone, Yesterday was my first time posting to the forum and got great advice. I hope to return such wonderful advice to other members of the forum.
So yesterday H and I talked and he mentioned that he does miss me and the home. But then he started to talk about a lot of stuff but then about how bad it makes him feel me calling hin son a bastard, and his son is innocent in all this. Yes, I did call him that and I know that its wrong but like I told H I said those things out of hurt. And right after that last night I saw that members told me that I need to change that and have LOTS to do with H's son. So it got me to thinking about my part in all this and what I need to change as well. I will admit that I have said some terrible things about H's son and I prayed about it last night b/c I realized that I have actually grown to hate the child (terrible to say but true) and it's really not his fault even though OW uses the child has her weapon. In my head I know its wrong of me but in my heart I do have a lot of resentment. I even told H last night that I do regret that he's here but I know he's here and he needs to be loved and cared for. Anyway, so now I'm thinking that some, not all, of the blame for where we are now is partly my fault too. Although H has no right being with OW and that has made things worst off for us. I think H wants to come back home and I want him back home to but we need to resolve how we will handle this and we both don't trust each other: I don't trust him to not go back to OW and he doesn't trust that he can have me and his son.
So my question is how should I proceed with this? I was thinking during this separation I need to begin to give H indications that I will not prevent him from having his son too if he comes back home. But then I still want H to learn to respect me and I don't want to make it too easy for him. B/c he has really done some real disrespectful and inconsiderate things in the name of his son.
Should I even be the one to give in or it is really up to H to let me know that he wants the marriage? I don't to give the impression that I'm the only one making compromises. Any suggestions would be great. I really appreciate it.
Hi, my first suggestion is to stay in one thread so people know where you are coming from.
If you truly are sure he wants to come back you need to look inside your heart and see if you truly can forgive him, for everything. Trust will need to be rebuilt brick by brick son or no son. If he is still being disrespectful in the name of his son then you need to ask yourself if this man is good to have back.
This comes from a person who's H came back with half@ss intentions, just because he was lonely, it was a disaster... for the M to work he has to come with 100% FULL intention to work hard on the M, or you two won't have a standing chance. Piecing is as hard as being separated, it is 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
Make a list of what you think is reasonable (visitation, financial support of his son) and ask yourself if you are willing to work with your H about those issues.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi Cat, Thank you so much for the thread advice. I didn't know how the forum works so I will try to move everything over to the same thread. It actually makes sense and now I know why some threads have tons of postings.
Yeah, I actually don't think H is thinking about coming back home. I now think that he's using a lot of that stuff to guilt ME and to make it seem like I'm the bad guy here. I know I did not handle things textbook perfect but as I said to H, "what is the proper way for a woman to deal with her H running around town with another woman." Especially my H who was totally blatant. He would say that he doesn't have o hide anymore since everyone knows he has a son. Funny right?
But I think I will definitely have to hold off on making any promises since he really doesn't want to be back with me out of love. I think he just doesn't like his living situation.
Hi, first of all, may I ask if you live in USA or in another country? (You don't have to say exactly where.) The reason I am asking is b/c I forget sometimes about other cultures being different from most of the ones where I come from. I was in a big way of telling another poster how a M cannot survive when both partners are having A's when I was scolded by a third party for being too harsh b/c she was from a different part of the world--where that is quite acceptable. I am not saying YOU are having an A, I am just asking if this is something you see as just part of life that M people have to deal with or is it not acceptable at all for you?
I tried to find your first thread, and if I did go to the right place, you found out after you M that the OW was pregnant, is that correct? So, the man that was to become your husband was already being unfaithful to you. And now he is with the OW, right? Just trying to get the big picture here. Do you want him to come back to live with you? Do you think you could ever trust him where OW is concerned? You know they will always have that special connection due to the baby, so she will never be out of your life. That is a lot to think about. If you cannot accept the child b/c he reminds you of the stitch and you won't be able to deal with the fact there will always be a connection between H and OW.......then you need to move on.
This is just my personal viewpoint based on my personality and beliefs, but he would have to do a lot of proving himself to me before I would even consider taking him back since he was unfaithful before the M and then kept the baby a secret. I don't know that he could ever be trust again, and especially where she is concerned. Unless she was to do something that totally made him turn against her, he will always have a special place in his heart for her. Plus the more "unforbidden" their love appears, the more attractive it is to them.
I for one, could not share my H with another woman. Again, that is just me. You have to decide what you can and can't do, what you will accept and what you will not. You have to ask yourself how much respect does he have for you to do this to you. How much self respect can you have for yourself to allow it to continue while he is with you? Will you allow him to eat cake, or tell him he has to choose? Right now, if you tell him he has to choose, he will more than likely choose the child and his mother. So, tread lightly. Think a long time before you decide which path to take. There are several ways you can approach this, but first, let me know if this is something you have grown up around and see it as being "acceptable". If not.....then we will go from there. If you think it is acceptable, then I won't know how to help you b/c I don't think a M can survive with more than two partners in it.
BTW, have you read the DR book?
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh my, I actually now saw your response, so sorry for such a late response. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. To answer your question, I do live in the US, but my H and I are from a different country. To be honest, I personally DON'T think either that a marriage can survive with more than two partners, and in our country affairs are so prevalent that it's sickening. To be honest, my father also had a child outside of his marriage and so does my husband's father so I feel like this crap is just haunting me. But, I KNOW I would never be happy with my H still having an affair with OW so I do know for us to work that she would need to be out of the picture, and he would need to commit only to the marriage. With that said, I do believe that he and I had a special relationship before all of this. Funny thing is that my H has done some really disgusting things but I still feel like that is just not his true character. I try to balance this feeling to make sure that I'm not being dillusional, and I know actions speaks louder. At the same time, I do see the flaws in our relationship that has lead to this (in addition to our culture that gives the impression that infedility on a man's part is ok). So for now, I'm just taking it cool and see what happens. I've read DR and have been doing some 180s like not pursuing him, etc. There are times that I feel hopeless that like you said H will always have a special place in his heart for the OW and that makes me feel like giving up and moving on, but its hard to move on right away after being with him over 14 years. So, I actually don't know how my sitch will end but I'm trying to stay as positive as I can and to stay busy and take care of me.
