Time for ME to change...scared as hell...

[theotherhalf]

Last thread...

Starting a new thread but don't have any "new" news. H is gone and almost non existent in our lives. I'm telling myself to let him go. I deserve none of his crap. I am better off with no man in my life than to accept this man and the way he treats me. I love him with all my heart. I hurt for him in my soul. But FINALLY I see there is nothing I can do for him. I say all this today. I FEEL all this today.

Tomorrow who knows...

Getting another ice/snow storm last night and today. Wow I love Iowa weather! I'm figuring I'll go in late to work today. Better to wait till day light and let the plows work a bit first. I don't have very far to drive but I HATE driving on ice! Spent last night home with the girls and working on a puzzle. Nice quiet evening.

H is completely avoiding us. Suppose that means that OW is back. Don't matter. Not anymore. I did call him the other night to see if he'd bring N14 home on his way to work. He didn't answer so I left a VM. He never called back. This made me mad. BUT I did nothing. I waited till yesterday morning then called him. He didn't answer. I called again and he finally did. I was "as if" (nice, how you doing stuff) with him. I said "you do what you do but we have kids and please answer my calls or return them. that's all I ask" he said okay. We only talked a minute about work and the weather, then I told him I had to go.

I am still so shaking my head as to what happened.

[JCJ]

Hi there

I don't think I have posted to you before but I read your post and it rang so true with me and my situation at the moment.

My h has as little to do with me as possible and has ow. We don't have children and all communication is about financial stuff at the moment. I don't really have any advice I just wanted to empathize. I'm glad you put your foot down re the kids, be consistant with that now and you did a great job in waiting and acting as if over the phone call.

I also know there is nothing I can do with my h anymore, and I am much more resigned but still somewhere seem to have hope, I don't know why. This sucks hey, but you seem strong.

(((the otherhalf)))

[MidwesternGirl]

TOH

What--it has been just a few days since you last saw him. Do not make assumptions. Learn to live and do things on your own. Sure he will be in the back of your mind but put your best foot forward and carry on. Don't badmouth him or think about ow as it is so not worth it.

He is not himself for now and it is going to take a long time for him to get thru this but you have to make changes for yourself.

Think about you and your kids.

[theotherhalf]

Thanks for your post JCJ and (((JCJ))) to you too.

MWG Seems like eternity after the last month or so. I'm not assuming anything I am finally facing reality. I will not badmouth him. If anything I pity him and OW.

Your so right about the changes. I see that now. The "fear" of losing my H forever has kept me hostage for almost 2 years. It's time I break free, I cannot live like this any longer.

thanks mwg

[theotherhalf]

this is the hard part people. It's Friday night. D17 is working and will probably go out afterwards. N14 went to stay with her sister. God only knows where H is. And I am home alone. This is the hard part for me.

I don't enjoy the peace and quiet. I don't like TV. I miss someone laying across the room. I miss the laughter. I miss the companionship.

I've been home alone for a whole 5 minutes. And I am so lonely. The weather is cold and crappy. There's no place to go.

I am sorry. I sound so pathetic but this is trully the hardest part for me.

[MidwesternGirl]

You need to find something to do and treat today just like any other day.

Stop dwelling on what your h is/is not doing and with whom. You will make yourself so sick thinking of all the possibilities.

Maybe try some Christmas baking, etc.

[TRUSTING]

I can so relate to what you are saying.

It has been quite an adjustment for me to have no one in the house when the kids are with ex.

What has helped me is when I feel that way I go down to the local coffee shop with a good book and camp out there for a while.

[theotherhalf]

Maybe this is why I am having such a hard time doing this...

I live my day to make someone smile. Or to tell a funny and someone will laugh. Today a old farmer and his son came into the store. They are regulars. I said "afternoon gentlemen". The old man stopped dead in his tracks and said something like "wow, what the heck, you don't hear that very often" and everyone laughed. I made that man smile. I just may have made his day. And yesterday a regular came in. I said "Ken, I don't know what stinks worse in the winter time, my cigerettes or your hog sh*t" He busted out laughing and everyone else did too.

That's TOH. It's what i do. It's who I am. I live my life to bring others joy, make someone smile, make someone laugh. Maybe thats why after all this time I still cannot get used to, accept, or enjoy being alone. I hate it. But not a damb thing I can do about it and it feels like it's killing me. I feel like I'm trapped in a world that I don't belong in and I can't find my way out.

[theotherhalf]

okay my dear friends, I NEED your strength!

Took mwg up on her suggestion tonight and made xmas cookies. Shed a few tears but for the most part doing okay.

About an hour ago H called. Just to see what we were up to. Old patterns say he was wanting OW to come over or to go see her. I kept my suspisions in check didn't say a thing. I acted as if and told him I was baking cookies. We talked awhile. He was pretty edgy. and drunk. Tried like hell to pick a fight with me. I would'nt give. So then went to D17 talk. Wanted to know what is wrong with her. I said to ask her. He kind of went off a bit trying to pull my chain. Didn't work. I sat in silence while he ramble. Then he said "I know, she's like me. I can understand why she's upset but we need to talk about it". I just agreed. Finally he said "I need to go to bed. Just so you know, I'm here". I just ignored the comment and said bye.

I then sent him a TM and said "sweet dreams cheesenuts". He just text me and said "come see me". Hard Hard Hard for me to say no. BUT I sent one back that said "not until I am in your heart too, not just in your bed" His reply was "good night". I sent the first text again. And that was it.

I think the biggest reason I never say no is that I am worried that when I do he'll go to her instead. But you know that is a sick way of controlling him isn't it. If he wants to go to her he's going to no matter what I say or do. And if I am so easily replaced we don't belong together anyway.

thanks for listening...

[theotherhalf]

forgot to tell you a comment that H made. He said about D17 being mad at him. He said "that's fine, gives me just another reason not to come back". I said nothing.