Hi Everyone, So sorry that we are all here trying to DB, but so glad that I found this site as well. I'm looking for any advice I can get. I'm actually not sure a newbie dealing with this problem but have been feeling like my situation is hopeless.
Here's my story... H and I have been together for 14+ years, married for 4+ years. Two weeks before we got married he found out OW was pregnant. He of course didn't tell me, we got married and when his son was 7months I found out in 2005. He then left me for like 5 weeks b/c "he needed time to think" and moved with OW and son. Throughout this time I kept saying that I wanted my marriage to work and I waited on him to come back home. I remember the pain of those 5 weeks like yesterday. So when he came back he was still seeing OW although he said he was only there for his son. Then in Jan 2006 I moved out and moved from the city to the suburbs to prove that I don't want to live that way. But I still left the door open and H was spending nights with me. Yes, he's a total cake eater. In April 06, OW attacks me at our old apt that H was staying at, and H completely did not defend me. A few days later he felt guilty and apologized and even moved in with me but kept the apt for a few months as a safety net. OW had also married some guy to prove a point to H. In Dec 2006, we bought our house and looking back I was trying to move on with our lives, although we kept fighting about OW. Ended up dealing with fertility problems and "I" was trying to get pg. H was still running to visit OW saying that he has to take care of his son and I don't want him to and I'm the bad guy and his son comes first, etc. etc.
So this past summer, H was acting strange again, removed, saying he was happy with marriage, he hadn't acconplished anything in his life, I think everything is mine, etc. In Sept we had a bad fight after H stood me up on a date to go be with son, showed up back at home at 10:45 and I was pissed off. He then left home saying I kicked him out (I did tell him to get out), was staying at his mother for a while, then OW left her H, and my H was even trying to have her stay at his mother's house for a while. Big chaos since H's family and I are really close. So now H and OW, her daughther and their son is renting a place.
This all seems so hopeless for me. I don't think H really loves OW but I know he lovessss his son. But she does feed a need for H. I'm well educated with a master degree and H has not gone to college. But I thought we were above all that bs since H has supported throughout my education. OW doesn't even have a high school diploma, no job, on welfare, etc. So I know she is totally feedng his ego and he feeds like she needs him for everything. H also use to talk about how women like that men don't want and they have nothing to offer and now look where he's is. Sorry so long, my question to follow...
So I think H is a total cake eater and when he left I think he wanted to be able to go and come as he likes although he said that he's not coming back. So I took the key back. Now, I've been trying to do some 180s, like backing off and not calling, making myself busy and not answering all his calls. I think I have done all the work in this R and H needs to do the work if he want to save it. He called me on Tues saying that he's sorry and he knows that he has hurt me and he still loves me but he hasn't call me back since. I called him yesterday and he cut me off and said he would call back but hasn't. I'm trying very hard to not call him back and to be unreachable when he does call.
So last weekend, I actually went into H's bank acct and took $$ to pay the mortgage and of course he was pissed off. He called yelling and I told him that I paid the mortgage with it. He of course took back him $, changed his pw and said that I must pay the mortgage myself since I told him to get out of my house, which I did say and I know that was wrong. Anywa after that I text H saying that since he doesn't want anything to do with our town, he needs to find car insurance for his place in the city by 12/21. He said he would. Is that wrong to do? But I think since I have to struggle to pay a mortgage by myself H should have to struggle too. His license is terrible and I know that he won't get insurance in his name. I was planning that if he doesn't find insurance I am still requesting that he surrender his license plates and if he doesn't that I would go and take them off his car. I'm not sure if this would be totally wrong to do though b/c H always says I try to control everything and I know this would be controlling. But at the same time I think H has been so disrespectful to me through the years for his son and OW and I have taken it. Should I put my foot down here? Please advise. Thank you so much.
Hi vicky, sorry you are here but we support each other.
So your H says he is no longer paying the mortgage because you told him to get out (is his name on the deed?), H is going back and forth like a ping pong ball and you are worried if H will think you are controlling?
I do have a hard time taking a stand but in this case you need to protect you and your family financially. First I would get legal advice. Most attys (ask because some do charge) give free consultations for advice. Find out your rights. I know that I felt more empowered after meeting with 2 attys for advice.
In your case if your H wants to come home you need to set up a No contact agreement. I know the OW has your H's son. H can make arrangements for someone to pick up son.
take care.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Thanks guys all for your response. I've been doing some 180s and thought that just going to take H's license plates would be the same of the way I always act. But at the same time I do feel like H has grown to disrespect me b/c I have allowed him. I would get mad and then get over by the next day or two and so he figures he can get away with anything. And then why should H be able to drive OW and her kids around with the car insurance that's on our policy that he got b/c of me.
In hindsight I know that H has really been the one running the show as he ping pong for all these years and I do hate that I've allowed this to happen.
Thanks for the advice on if H returns home how to deal with OW and son. I've been struggling with this lately feeling like its hopeless b/c H will not want to separate from his son and I will not want him to still contact OW about son.
Any other advice from anyone on how best to proceed to make sure this doesn't happen again and to still have H see his son? OW of course doesn't want son to have anything to do with me and I kinda don't want to have anything to do with her son b/c she will make my life a living hell.
Also, H is on the deed and we have other expenses in addition to mortgage and he's not contributing anything. I know he thinks b/c I make more I can afford it, but its just not fair.
I kinda don't want to have anything to do with her son b/c she will make my life a living hell.
If your M does get sorted. The absolute very first thing I would do is have LOTS to do with the S. Become the other mother. It is your H child. She would not make your life living hell by doing that, YOU would make hers!!!!!! she would be so jealous that you are able to have a relationship with the child. It would also be easier for your H to manage y0u and the son if you became the boys second home.
Lets look at the relationships
H -- He has you, OW and Son - Juggling 3 and struggling OW - H and Son she is sweet You - H hurting - So add the son to your life
You could become the person responsible for picking the child up , having the fun with him, supporting him, teaching him. The child is innocent in all of this.
Thanks guys all for your response. I've been doing some 180s and thought that just going to take H's license plates would be the same of the way I always act. But at the same time I do feel like H has grown to disrespect me b/c I have allowed him. I would get mad and then get over by the next day or two and so he figures he can get away with anything. And then why should H be able to drive OW and her kids around with the car insurance that's on our policy that he got b/c of me.
In hindsight I know that H has really been the one running the show as he ping pong for all these years and I do hate that I've allowed this to happen.
Vicky I agree there should be more involvement with son. Then the OW will not use her son to bring H around her. it will remove the middle man. If H wants to return - strict NC but H will need to co-parent but you will have to be open in being part of that.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
