I am glad you are doing well. I have been here less frequently and have been reading but not posting. Once I let go it did make me happier and more peaceful but the sadness does creep up on you from time to time, however it gets easier.
I've missed the board. I want to get back into posting regularly as well as contributing to others' threads.
I'm wondering if I should switch to another thread because my sitch has changed so much.
My soon-to-be former h and I have very little contact. More importantly, I feel no desire for it. We communicate amicably about practical matters; that's it. I'm open to the possibility that we may be friends in the future. We spent 10 years of our lives together, supported each other through many life challenges including the illness and death of family members, and had many good times. It would be a gift at some point to preserve some of that shared history through a friendship.
But for now my life is about me, my friends and my community.
I briefly tried dating and decided that it was not where I want to invest my time and energy right now.
What it showed me was that I'm still working things through... not working through wanting to be with my h. I don't. But I need more time and space to embrace and explore the world as a single woman.
I also learned that I have anger to deal with. My h's behaviour was disappointing; it affected me negatively for months, even years. His secret attachment or obsession with another woman for the last 4 years of our marriage has left me questioning many things, including things about myself. I stayed in a marriage that had 3 people in it for far too long. In effect, I was a participant, largely unknowingly although perhaps somewhat blindly, in a situation that I knew was not meeting my needs. But I did know that my needs were not being met... and I stayed, hoping.
It is not as if my h and I were completely disconnected during those four years. Our daily life was full of small acts of kindness and tenderness, we entertained friends, engaged in outdoor activites, travelled extensively, made love and tended together to relationships with our families. But there was something missing... and I felt it, he knew it, and I just lived hoping that he would be fully present at some point again.
I need to grapple with my role in that. As I briefly began dating again, I realized that I still could fall into the trap of working too hard to create a connection with a man. Four years of living that way takes much longer than a year to leave behind, for me.
So I'm back here, journalling and hoping for your input. You helped me through the dark passage of the end of my marriage. The sun is out, for the most part I'm happy, and I would love to receive your input, feedback and advice.
