Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders about all this. Thanks for posting on my thread.
We have dogs too but my H has made only a few feeble attempts to help out with them. He's so smitten right now, like a teenager, the rest of the world doesn't exist.
Quote:
Yet they must both know at some level that as soon as he turned to her, he became unavailable to address any issues in our marriage. It's a flawed basis for them to begin a relationship together and when they encounter their own difficulties, as they inevitably will, it will form an interesting part of the background and context within which they learn about each other.
This is profound and beautiful. (I'm so happy, I just figured out how to use the quote box but don't know if I remember what I did!)
I'll be spending time with relatives over the next few days. May not be posting so much. First time in 20 years that I will not be with H and his family.
Have a great Christmas and try to forget all this rut!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
In many ways, the holidays were peaceful and happy. I got out to engage in many of the activities I enjoy. I continue to feel blessed by my rich circle of friends. Not having any real family, my friends are my family of choice. I am very lucky to have each of them in my life.
Haven't heard from h... and it is both sad and strangely shocking to feel that I have slipped out of his life seemingly so quickly and easily. Of course, he was leaving the m long before he left physically. It hurts but it also brings home in deeper ways the reality of my sitch.
I have read many other threads in which the h does return, even after an extended period of time with OW. I am caught between hope and wanting to move forward; not knowing how to hold both in my life at the same time.
I love having an intimate relationship with a man... I can't yet sort out how and when being open to that will be part of my moving on. Is that when I will file for d if my h hasn't yet done so? Or should I just file now because he is with ow? In some ways given the importance and significance of the marriage vows which I feel he has broken and which I feel no longer exist for him, why wouldn't I file for a d now? The vows are between 2 people; if one breaks them and doesn't want to repair the m after over 9 months, doesn't that mean the m is over?
I care about my h but I'm no longer in love with him. Given what I know of him (it's been awhile) I feel that I maybe could fall in love with him again... but he has been adamant that he doesn't want to make himself open to that experience with me and in fact has chosen another. Doesn't that end this marriage between us? So why not d?
Silver Fox and others - why and how have you waited so long? And how have you dealt with the pain of your h choosing another over you, breaking your marriage vows?
I called my h to say that I have an appointment with a lawyer on Wednesday to prepare a draft separation agreement. When I asked him how he felt about that he said: "probably no better than you".
What????? He left the m, he moved out, he is now with ow (may be the "love of his life").... if I was in his shoes I would probably feel indifferent and would certainly not be saying that I felt the same way as the LBS.
I know we're supposed to believe only half of what they do and none of what they say. But what my h said to me yesterday confuses me. Does what he said mean that we're supposed to talk about this again? I've gone pretty much dark and slowly feeling happier... almost all that is left is the missing of him from my life. At one level I feel, I know, that it would have to be him that makes any step towards me. I really know nothing about the status of relationship with ow.... I'm sure they're spending some time together... but I rock between thoughts of them making plans for their future to being brought down to earth again by friends who tell me that at the most they're probably only dating. I know that I need to let go, to live with the uncertainty, but that uncertainty is part of what pushes me to thoughts of filing for d (eligible soon) just to parcel up, box away this very painful period of life.
I know that so many people here are going through much more difficult sitchs but I would really benefit from some support and perspectives from others here posting on my thread.
I have been reading your sitch...and I can very much relate with your H's claiming the OW is the love of their life. My H has only known the OW for about 6 months now and has told her she is 'the one for him' but the even harder part is that this OW is only 21 yrs old. H moved out in August and has made no effort in coming back. I know OW practically lives with him which is the main reason why he left to spend every waking moment with her. This could be also why your H left. But then soon enough they will find out what kind of women they really are. It may be to your benefit or it may not be. It really lies with how you feel and what you want. This waiting period is the hardest thing I have ever done. Many say TIME is on our side but how do you do this without loosing your mind?
You deserve someone to love you the way you want to be loved. If your H doesn't want to do that then you will know and it will be time to let go. If he is having second thoughts then follow your heart.
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
Update - I had to call h for details re sep agreement. He became emotional and said he was sorry I had to do this. I was taken aback - completely didn't expect the display of emotion. I said I didn't understand why he was feeling this way at this time, that this was his choice. He said "I know"... then became very emotional, voice louder... "I can't talk at the office, etc, etc. ... ." I got off the phone very quickly.
I think I'll let the lawyer get any further needed details from him. I was upset by the call and don't understand his response or reaction.
I just read your whole sitch and I really feel for you. My BF is having EA/PA with a coworker and still living at home. It's hard for me but I think the hardest thing would be to hear him say she's "the one" for him. So I've just been a placeholder for 8+ years? Grr.
As to your H's response to the lawyer news, I don't know what to make of that. I tend to fall on the side of "don't believe what they say." In my case, when BF told me he felt we were separated already and that was fine with him, he proceeded to cry (he's usually very unemotional). When I asked him why he was crying, he said it was the thought of me moving to another state and never seeing me again. But he's still involved with OW and nothing has really changed so I don't believe his emotional outburst really meant anything. Just my two cents.
Hang in there!
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I would let the lawyer handle it as you stated above. If he is having second thoughts let him come to you. Maybe this is an eye opener for him and he is being pulled from the 'fog' as many refer to it on here when spouses are in lala land...
Hang in there...be strong...he will notice
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
I would slow way, way down. It sounds like you are very restless to move on but it doesn't sound like YOU are truly ready for the big D and your H's emotional responses should tell you that he is indeed VERY conflicted. In my book, conflicted is good. From everything I've learned recently a WAS is very sure of ending the M, never looks back, and seems to have no regrets. An MLC'er on the other hand is completely mental - sure one minute, not sure the next. That's why you really shouldn't believe ANYTHING they do or say. That's why I'm waiting a little longer and trying to stall the D as much as possible.
It's been said quite often on this board that "if you don't know what to do then do nothing." Can you hold off a little longer? Let him make the decision? Do you think he might be hoping you'll make the decision for him?
Just some things to think about. I've finally figured out that one of the most important DB principles - GALing - is to help us work through the "uncertainty", to actually ignore it, while time flies by. It can keep you from making any drastic decisions. I believe filing for a D just to end the pain might cause more pain, especially if your H is coming around a bit.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Thanks... please keep posting to me. I can't tell you how your posts give me strength, support and comfort. Sometimes I'm just living hour to hour in this sitch.
O.K., here's where I'm at: I find it hard to believe h is conflicted; maybe, but unlikely. His process is slow and longterm. As long as ow is on scene (so painful) nothing will happen.
I feel strongly that I need a sep agreement to protect myself. I will hold off on the divorce. It's such a conflict for me not to proceed with divorce because I feel he has ended the m through his infidelity. In a sense the vows are not standing any more.
I am re-focusing on galing... also trying to set aside only 1 or 2 times per day when I allow myself to brood or think about this sitch. So galing activities: a male friend has offered himself up for tango lessons, I think I will follow through. I have decided to take an acrylics painting class. I am also looking for some volunteer work to engage myself more with the community. I'm really trying. I continue to engage in my outdoor activities.
I still wish that I could talk to some dbers by phone... because I tend to verbal expression rather than written.
