Points understood. Not clear where to find the motivation yet to "bend" a bit. You see, I feel like I am. A LOT. Clearly, if you cant see it, I probably dont.
I told him to cancel the trip. He said he would if I wanted him to. Then we talked again and he said something like "maybe during those 3 days, things would start moving a bit". I agreed. So, we are going on that trip on Dec 28th.
I also gave him Bill's last post to read. He said he will need some translation... Other than that Forrest, there are many things you say that I do "get" and will think about ho wto use them. I may even "listen to you" some... I've missed you K
Hi Kalni, I know you have been at this much longer than I have - and I'm not even close to going through what you are (if I ever even get there)...but reading FG's post did keep bringing the word expectations to mind - and a conversation I recently had with a T - about the big difference between expectations (which we cannot wish for another person to fulfill - and which, more often than not, go unspokeN0 and needs (which should be spoken - and which should be open and addressed). While reading your thread I've wondered at times about your frustration - and wondered if it comes more from need or expectation - or if it also stems from a natural part of the process - where healing, reconnecting, learning to be around one another again just must take time...
I remember reading somewhere about how long it takes for the WAS to feel comfortable around the LBS...wish I could find it right now...
I'm caught up and I too can sense your frustration, but I have to agree w/ FG on several of his items.
Unfortunately, the thing you want the most - romance, etc. - will most likely come last. Remember it took a long time to get to this point and undoing it correctly will equally take a long time.
The question is "do you have the patience for it?" If the answer is yes, then keep doing the MC and the IC b/c he is moving - like a corpse, but moving, none-the-less. Only you can decide this one and you will.
Finally, you've stated again the question about "settling" and the answer is no f*ck!ng way! NOPE! Not an option. No one goes through the amount of pain you've been through (and all of us here on this board have gone through) to settle. So, try and put that thought to bed for good. Settling shouldn't be an option.
So, now the question comes back to will you be willing to wait this thing out and see it to its conclusion? If you are, then steel yourself for a long, cold winter, b/c it will take time to fix this puppy.
Merry Christmas K! I hope you have a good time with your kids and that you get to relax and enjoy yourself too! I hope 2009 will be a fresh start for you and H and your family, and it will be full of joy for you. Thanks for being so honest and generous in sharing of yourself on these boards. You have touched so many people - including me! Lots of Love xx
Morning/afternoon K. I'm having my coffee now and catching up. Ah expectations...they can ruin everything. I try my best to have none anymore or to keep them very low. Go on the trip with no expectations. Those days will teach you a lot, about you, H and the possibilities of saving the R.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Rob you're funny!..."keep doing the MC and the IC b/c he is moving - like a corpse, but moving, none-the-less"..
The only way corpses move is if they f*rt, or a mortuary assistant does something innapropriate to them, LOL! Poor Kalni's H, being compared to a corpse..hehehe
I think its good to go on the trip with him, how else will you know otherwise, if you dont get a good few hours/days in his company (apart from his usual 1 hour a week! ok, maybe a little more than that, hey). I hope he gets you something special for Christmas at least...? (dear god, not a charger for you IPod I hope!)
Expectations can ruin everything I agree. I got here because I didnt have any though. I allowed him to believe I was ok with ...nothing. My complains were never heard, my needs were never met (during the last couple years of our M). And Carlos, I am talking about NEEDS. Need to be held, need to talk with my spouse, need to laugh, need to ML, need to feel supported, protected, cared for... These are all needs for me.
We just got in a little...argument. He asked about my evaluation and I mentioned what my boss told me. He got all upset and said he doesnt accept responsibility for anything "I did at work". I kind of agree, how I handled things back then was my issue, but listening to him saying he had nothing to do with it, got me upset. I have this huge urge to tell him I want a year off my kids and everything and just go live somewhere on my own, take the kids every second weekend and live as a single... Then I would love to see how his work would be affected, even without the heartbreak.
As far as the schedule of the coming days, I told him we are invited on Christmas Eve at my brother's and then 26th at some friends. Christmas day I will cook for my family. He said he will come on Christmas Day but not to the other two invitations. "Unless you want me to come?". I said he is free to do whatever he feels like. He has off work. I hate this. I am tired of him. Would it be too bad if I just gave up? (not in a jolly mood) K
