Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Starting a new thread because I need a change in attitude.

Thread 1
Thread 2

I've been thinking that I have got to stop "future f**king" myself! {I am sorry to the site "powers that be" if that offends!}. This means that I have an awful lot to be thankful for and I keep losing sight of that by worrying about everything! I've been letting my moods control me and that's not good! I need to wake the he** up and realize what I have!

1. I have 2 kids (S17 & D24) who love me and know I love them with all my heart, and they seem to feel compfortable talking honestly with me about their concerns and have both told me that I deserve better than H has given me, and I need to show them a strong mother they can be proud of!

2. I have a good paying stable job working with people that have supported me through this even though I have definitely slacked off on my "productivity" (some due to "preoccupation" with my sitch and this board). They deserve better from me!

3. My H continues to go to IC and MC with me and with S17, in
spite of many "backslides" and "meltdowns" over the past month from both me and S17 (and even a couple meltdowns from H, where he "got over it" and continues on and hasn't run) {This is since the PA came out and he seemed to "wake up" at least a little}

4. I have friends, both female and male, who have indicated a desire to spend social time with me, so I need not sit at home if I don't want to! This doesn't mean I am interested in pursuing other relationships, but it means that I have other options.....maybe.

I am going to do my best to not even think about the OW. I don't want her to have that influence on my life! I don't think I have evey actually hated anyone in my life. I didn't think I really had it in me. But, what I feel for that woman comes very close. I sincerely hope, for my own wellbeing that I get over these feelings one day, but that day is not today. However, I am going to try not to dwell on it.

H called and asked if I will carpool home with him tonight, or if I had other plans. I don't. So, we are either going to work some more on the house or go out to a club or something and have fun. (I will do NO R TALK!).

Tomorrow, I am going to a Celtic Yuletide concert with my Mom and Step-dad and D24. Then Thursday I have IC. Then Friday I have our company X-mas party. I invited H, but he is going up to "the ranch" for some alone time. So, I am taking S17 as my date! A guy friend from work that owes me a couple drinks (don't ask why) said he might take me out after the party. Maybe we'll go for coffee instead with S17 with me. I told H about this and he said "That sounds like fun."......the jerk!
And, Saturday, I am taking S17 to see Bill Engval. That should be fun!

So my calendar is full! I definitely have a life! And I am thankful!

[sandycay]

ok you and I might be close neighbors as Bill Engval is playing close to me. Are yo uon FB?

"future f**king" myself! OMG what a great analogy.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Sandy!

Well, I have signed up on FB but I have not had any luck at all in finding anybody from here there? How do I find them without names?

[sandycay]

look for Kalni sunshine, I am friends with her. Once she okays you look in her friends for my picture. I am a runner with 2 kids beside me and a starting line behind me. It also shows the city for which the show you are going to be in Sat.night as mine. Then add me as a friend. Easy Peasy

[Silent Chrleader]

OK, will do! I can't right now be cause I don't have access to FB from my work computer (go figure!). But, will do it tonight.... Thanks!

[Silent Chrleader]

OK, will do! I can't right now be cause I don't have access to FB from my work computer (go figure!). But, will do it tonight.... Thanks!

[Silent Chrleader]

Had IC session yesterday. Spoke with C about my concerns that he doesn't seem to challenge H's thinking like he does mine when in session. He said I do that already. But I told him I don't want to be the one that always does it. I think H needs to hear things direct from C more. So, C and I discussed some topics I want to talk about when in MC and C told me that if I had something I wanted to discuss to just say "I want to discuss......" and then he (C) will try to take it from there.

C voiced concern that H will clam up and walk out and not come back, but I told him that that's OK, because then at least I know I/we did everything we could, and I can live with that and move on.

I feel that H will never "volunteer" the info inside his head. I don't think he knows how. C said that in truth, even after 8 months of IC with H, he has no idea what H really wants, because H doesn't open up with him much. C doesn't have any idea which way H is headed.

I told H after finding out about the PA, that I don't know if I can ever get over it, but what I do want is to know that we both did everything we could and did our best. I told H then, and he agreed, that I want him to look in the mirror and really see his contributions to the breakdown of our marriage, and to share with me any contributions that I made but have not seen myself yet. I believe that only with total openness, honesty and understanding, can we really learn from this and not repeat our mistakes, or ever hope to re-build our marriage or move on without hard feelings.

I also asked H what his plans are given that the lease is up on his apartment the end of this month. His landlord said he could go month-to-month, but would need to give 30 days notice to move out. H told me that he plans to give notice the end of this month and move back home the end of January, if for no other reason than to be more able to work on the house to get it ready to sale. I am nervous about that. Our 26th anniversary is February 19th, and my birtday is March 6, and the anniversary of our first meeting (28 years) is March 7. That will put a lot of pressure on H. I will need to work really hard to keep PMA and give him his space.

H has been calling me the past several days regarding planning and such. Conversations have been light and pleasant. H still very tight though. Doesn't laugh much at my jokes. But we are getting some bad weather this weekend, and H called last night to make sure S17 knows how to start the generator at the house and other stuff since H will be up at the ranch for the weekend. He told me he would call when he gets there so I won't worry, which is a little bit of a new thing for him, because he always thought I was too much of a worry wart and didn't like having to call me when he was away because he "is an adult". So, I see that as a little baby step......???

[Babygirl]

hey girlie, is part of our good karma, the woodchipper? did we ever decide for sure?? LOL! hang in there, you are amazing!

[Silent Chrleader]

I kind of had the impression that we weren't going to do any one thing, but rather just added each new and wonderful idea to the list of what we were going to do! I didn't think we had to make a choice!! It all sounded so much fun!

I'm an extremist! It's all or nothing.......so I figured in this case do it all!! We could, like, do a round robin kind of thing and every time the whistle blows, we switch tortures......or we pass our perspective OW's around so we get a little variety and keep it interesting......

[Babygirl]

LOL ohhhhhhhhhhhhh that is even better! thank you for your support. some days when i read on here, i think for real? my life is this? if i can breathe each day, you can do it too.