the rope is fraying now #10

[Babygirl]

what a cold and icky day, the snow Kel wanted is blowing all over today, yuck.

so here I am, 2 weeks after the bomb of the affair started in aug 2005 and resulted in an abortion and then the son. a bomb a week its been since. the bomb of the child and the length, then her bomb of they had an abortion first, and sadly, his bomb of I really wanted to leave last year, but couldnt because you got sick, so he lied for a year about loving me and being here on his own. so how do i believe him NOW when he says it? He says he lied to protect me, she told the truth to HURT me on purpose.
I am tired, I am angry, angry that I was in the middle of a lupus flare last year when I found out about them, and the stress sent me into lupus crisis, which almost killed me. and he caused it!! angry that my drs are mad at me now about stress, til i told the one i dont like to sit down and shut up and listen to my life the past year, she apologized and gave me xanax.
I am tired, I dont have the fight in me, I wasted it this past year, to live and to save this marriage. how can I believe him? He shows no signs of him proving anything. he just wants to sweep this all under the rug.
so thats where i am, still confused of what to do, afraid that he wont DO WORK to save us.
i sure missed you all!!

[Little Engine]

Bg--What an awful winter's day. I would encourage you to read the "Love Without Hurt" book that breakaway turned me onto. Do a Google search for Stosny and read through some of the information. This book has helped me a bunch. It set my head straight for what I was doing wrong. You need to forgive yourself first and that is what the book helped me understand. Gotta go, problems here at work.

[Babygirl]

thanks LE. my mil gave me a 100 visa gift card for my bday, I think I will try to get out tomorrow and get that book!!
i will also do the google search! anything to keep my mind busy.

its awful out there!! thats why i wont leave the house today lol.

[Babygirl]

ok. so now i feel guilty really guilty about EVEN TRYING to save this marriage. OW's mom is dying, she has to go down there this weekend, and because H is still with me, H cant keep his son, she isnt taking her boys. I understand why H is hurt. she is using me as the pawn, thier son, or me. he picked. i know they chose all this not me. BUT i am not handling the guilt of knowing how bad H wants real time with the son, and she wont let him have him, because he is here, not there. what is better for his son? it almost feels like i have to let him go, for his son. sadly to protect him from his insane mother.

[klm]

BG, I haven't posted to you and haven't read all of your story...but most of it.

Has he had a paternity test? Her using her son to control him can be easily fixed by taking her to court and getting custody/visitation worked out.

so now i feel guilty really guilty about EVEN TRYING to save this marriage.

This is YOUR marriage. You owe OW nothing. She chose to get involved with a married man.

BUT i am not handling the guilt of knowing how bad H wants real time with the son, and she wont let him have him, because he is here, not there. what is better for his son?

If H wants real time with his son then he should do it legally. If he really is the father then she HAS to let him have time. He shouldn't let her use his son to manipulate him.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Alright, that biatch is really pizzing me off!

If your H cannot man up, remove his testicles from her pocket, and get a court order to protect his rights, this is going to be an ongoing problem. Oh, and your MIL has rights, too, and the courts are looking very favorably on grandparents' rights. The troll does not a have leg to stand on to keep you away from that baby, and she is going to discourage any and all legal actions as long as possible, because i guarantee she knows that once it gets that far, she no longer controls the show.

YOU are not the guilty party here--YOU are the wronged party. The more guilt you take on yourself, the more they will pile on. Do you want to be a victim or a success story? Time to put on your big girl panties and start exploring the legal options available that will allow you to see your stepson, your MIL to see her grandson, and H to spend more time with his son, out from under the slut's thumb.

I love you and I am not afraid to start swinging when I think the pity party has gone on long enough. You are not a quitter and I WILL NOT tolerate that talk any longer.

Now that I am done yelling at you, {{{{{HUGS}}}}

Take action instead of planning your reaction.

SMW

[klm]

Well said SMW!

[Sugar and Spice]

ok. so now i feel guilty really guilty about EVEN TRYING to save this marriage. OW's mom is dying, she has to go down there this weekend, and because H is still with me, H cant keep his son, she isnt taking her boys. I understand why H is hurt. she is using me as the pawn, thier son, or me. he picked. i know they chose all this not me.

You already answered your own dilema. THEY CHOSE THIS!!!! Not you. H chose you and in turn the OW has chosen to put a little boy in the middle of something that IS NOT ABOUT HIM. Both of them are allowing the other to use you and the child as excuses not to do the real and responsible thing. Your H needs to really chose and when he does, she will no longer be able to control him by using that child. As long as he is willing to allow her to use this boy as a bargaining chip, then this crap will continue and in my opinion, allow the contact with her to continue. I ONLY say this because I am in the same position. If H loves this boy so much, why does he allow OW to use him this way?

FWIW...look into what you can/need to do to legally establish paternity and parental rights and let H know that unless or until there is some legal proof and arrangements set up, this situation is merely a stop-gap method for allowing the status quo to continue. Not trying to be harsh, but the longer you put up with it, the harder it is to stop...trust me, I know.

Love you Sis....

[A in Ohio]

BG - Hugs to you.

SMW said everything that needs to be said. You don't have to put up with it. Set some bigtime bounderies and enforce them. Not like you haven't done that but just a friendly reminder

[Tawnya]

Wow {{{SMW}}}} I have no words other than WOW..that is so right on the money I can't even stand it!!

{{{BG}}}} You did NOTHING wrong in this scenario that hub and OW played out..NOTHING..you have nothing to feel guilty about because of his choices and her choices..YOu are being super accomodating, IMHO, and she wants to play this card as long as she can..it may work with hub, the guilt, but it needs to NOT work with you!


Tawnya