I'm back after finishing up the semester and having my D all weekend. I'm caught up now and the biggest thing I still notice is how you seem to continue to ride the roller coaster w/xBF.
If he calls or contacts you, you are happy, but if there is NC, you are sad and blue. That is the part that troubles me, my dear. I'm not sure what else to say, but to try and avoid any alinalizing, and to not talk at all about Helen.
The more you find out the more it seems to tear you up inside, so if possible, try to avoid knowing anything about his relationship w/her. Having your friend Cher find things out for you about him also just prolongs the agony in you and puts you back on that roller coaster again. Besides, if he ends his relationship w/her, you'll know soon enough. If you can act "as if" it doesn't bother you, soon enough, it really won't.
People also say if you want to get over a relationship you need to have anywhere from 1-3 months of NC before you can feel good on your own again. I'm not suggesting you completely walk away, but honestly, a little NC for you right now may help your own spirit to mend.
As Jeff so artfully quoted Woog, "he is broken"...very, very broken. Thus, he will continue to be very inconsistent. He can't do consistency. Instead, he'll fade in and out of the picture w/you for quite some time to come, so let his roller coaster pass you by and you just stay on the platform.
Let go of the rope. Be his friend, but let him go on his own journey and you, in turn, go on yours.
I hope this makes sense and comes across w/the love it is intended, my friend. We are both in the same boat when it comes to having a very different Christmas this year and like you, I'm not a big fan of it either. However, I know it will pass and I'll use it to grow and become better for myself and my D.
I know you'll be ok too. As painful as it is to think about, in time we'll all be better for passing through the pain and not avoiding it.
Merry Christmas Ali. Hope 2009 is a really fulfilling year for you, with new adventures and opportunities! Its been great to get to 'know' you this year - thanks as always for your advice and support.
Hey boys! Hey Essie! Thankyou for posting...I am ok, I had some lovely red wine with BMF last night and laughed ALOT! His W wasnt drinking, but they seem ok now, thank goodness...
I understand this, let him do his journey, do yours, but I dont thikn I can quite 'let him go' and have no contact with him. I think the plan is to not contact him, let him do the intitiating and if he does, accept it with grace and warmth, but thats all. And yes, no more questions about Helen! Arrgh!
My BFF spotted a pattern.. every time I see him/speak to him, I am on my knees, emotionally, for about a day and a half, and takes me at least 2 days to stop feeling desperate and churned up and tearful and ok again. My BFF just sent me a Christmas card that made me cry. In parts, she said:
"You've acted with such grace and dignity in all of your dealings with *ex*, I'm in awe of you for that...
..I cannot imagine life without you, you are a very special, wonderful and lovely person. I'm sure in time your self esteem will return, until then you'll just have to take it from me.. You're fab !!"
...I hope he might be man enough to admit what I mean/meant to him one day too.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm glad your BFF spotted the pattern as we've seen it w/you as well. It sucks to be the one who is left behind b/c all you do is 2nd guess yourself to death.
It is quite unfair for us, to be honest, b/c they leave, we grieve, and then we get better and start to move on. At that moment, they come back and toy w/us again....but that only happens if we let it happen. So, the choice is up to us in the end.
You wrote:
Quote:
I hope he might be man enough to admit what I mean/meant to him one day too.
I would like to hear the same thing from my XW as would almost all of us here, I'm sure. The problem is we have to steel ourselves away from this type of "wish" b/c when it doesn't come, we're all disappointed. If we don't expect it, then we'll be pleasantly surprised if it does come and won't be disappointed when it doesn't.
Hang in there. The holidays are tough, but you'll survive this one and they'll continue to be easier and easier for you, I promise (or at least that's what they're all telling me, so I'm going w/it).
Just got caught up on your thread and was thinking about you. I think that RTL's advice is pretty good here, though I know it is not an easy walk to walk, is it?! I notice the same kind of experience for myself, contact (only ever happens via email) w/my w. is usually something that shakes me into quite the emotional mess for a few days. It almost doesn't matter what the content of the message is, I seem to be able to turn it into something that is hurtful or disappointing to myself. I raise this because I think you and I may be similar on this point, sharing some expertise in obsessing about it all!
I had a couple of interesting conversations with two independent friends who really reinforced (for the millionth time--I'm slow) that almost everything is pointing to the WAS' issues. This was validating and I have found that although I really miss W. with very limited contact, I don't have the roller coaster to the same degree as when we do connect. It's still hard, but it might be something to experiment with on your side of things. You could try it out for a while and just see what it is like for YOU. If it's really not working for you, then you can always re-engage in contact...it's not like you lose this option.
Anyway, I know this stuff is so heartwrenching. And this is a particularly tough time of year. But maybe reflect on some of these ideas that posters have been putting forth, see if there is something you can take for yourself from it.
Merry Christmas, though I doubt "Merry" is really the appropriate term! : /
I hope he might be man enough to admit what I mean/meant to him one day too
IMO he shows you this in his actions. Plus, do you need him to say it? You *know*. Whatever the WAS says we know the truth that those years did not mean nothing.
I wanted to wish you a Happy Christmas Ali and to say thank you for being a great friend to me this year. I'm looking forward to next year where good things will happen for both of us!
