I have done a great deal of reading on the topic of infidelity/affairs and how destructive they are. I have also spent a lot of time both here and at marriagebuilders.com(MB) and have noticed some very different approaches to this topic (I hope we can discuss the relative merits or each without defensiveness or rancor).
DB seems to treat an affair(A) as almost incidental and not the root cause of a WAS or impending D. DB recommends NOT snooping to find out and NOT exposing the A if one is known and ongoing. DB seems to focus on "competing" with and outlasting the A rather than threatening its existence.
MB pretty much assumes that an A is the primary reason why one spouse is talking/doing separation and/or divorce. MB unequivacably states that, no matter what problems existed in the M before, the A must end FIRST and problems in a M cannot be resolved/negotiated if there is a 3rd party in the picture. MB strongly advises that an A is very likely going on even if the LBS doesn't know it, information must be obtained, and the A MUST be exposed ASAP.
From my own personal experience as well much observation and learning, I would argue that infidelity is VERY OFTEN present when a M is in severe crisis. The wayward spouse will lie, deny, scapegoat, and rationalize like crazy. I have learned to recognize that the vast majority of divorces are sought and entered into because one spouse is straying and has become convinced that the M isn't "right" and the A "is" (not because of the lame excuses of "it didn't work out" and "we are incompatible"). Simply put, if a WAH wants a S/D, he is very likely cheating and if a WAW wants the same, she is almost always cheating as well. [Domestic abuse shelters are full of women who refuse to leave their unworthy husbands--it is exceedingly uncommon for a wife to abandon her marriage/home/family UNLESS/UNTIL there is another man in the picture to run to...simple fact.]
You will find that most of us here also believe that there is no use in reconciliation or counseling until the third party is removed from the marriage.
There are mixed opinions on the merit of exposure vs. waiting out the affair. I believe it is situational dependent. Most always, I believe in outing the affair if you wish to repair the M. But that HAS to be done in conjunction with DB techniques so that you do not revert to the person you were before the "bomb."
You will find that most of us here also believe that there is no use in reconciliation or counseling until the third party is removed from the marriage.
There are mixed opinions on the merit of exposure vs. waiting out the affair. I believe it is situational dependent. Most always, I believe in outing the affair if you wish to repair the M. But that HAS to be done in conjunction with DB techniques so that you do not revert to the person you were before the "bomb."
Agree 100%.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
Hi AZ, I do agree with MB that reconcillation can't happen unless A has ended. I know DB feels that you should just ignore the OP and they will fade away so I think the difference is MB thinks a time limit should be set at some point while DB you will definitely need more patience and it could take years if you are willing to wait. I have been exposing the A to family and some friends and so far it still has not come unglued. It is a frustrating process.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I agree almost entirely with what you said. I think exposure is fine. I don't know that it kills the affair, but it may. Other than that, there really isn't a whole lot to do to make them quit. For your own self-preservation I think the cheater should be kicked to the curb, but that's just me.
I do think that what goes hand in hand with the exposure is to quit being a dick and start working to be an attractive alternative. And to get some self-esteem and not grovel because the spouse is cheating.
But I don't think you could look at a whole lot of marriages that are in no trouble at all and find that a spouse is cheating. I don't think one or the other woke up one day and said, "I think I'll cheat just for the fun of it", and then decided it was so good that they would get divorced. No, the marriage was crappy which made them succeptible to OM/OW and having an open mind about the possibility. Once someone is actually hot and heavy in the affair though, it has a life of it's own....you won't have success while OP is in the picture.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Phoenix, agree -- about M was crappy...I know in hindsight that mine was -- we drifted, no intimacy, no connection by both of us. I felt the drift and did not address but neither did H. did H have to cheat -- absolutely not. I asked him why did you not talk to me and he said well I did not see you talking to me about the M either. fog babble at that point but looking for an excuse. Now if I can become that attractive alternative maybe the OW won't be so "special". time will tell
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Phoenix, actually many cases of infidelity occur in marriages that have no real problems. Here is a link to an interview with Shirley Glass, PhD., the author of "Just Not Friends."
I was thinking that, while my marriage was by no means perfect, I, at least THOUGHT, hub and I were really in a pretty good place, we spent time together, did things together, had a pretty decent sex life, laughed together, etc..so I dunno that I Think all marriages have to be in trouble to have someone cheat, tho hub loves to throw that in my face, "well if I was 100% happy would I have looked in her direction"..
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Many cases of infidelity? I find that hard to believe.
I would like to point out that just because the marriage seems fine to you doesn't mean it is to your spouse. He/She may beg to differ with you that it wasn't crap. Marriages are tough, they aren't always fun, and sometimes they can be downright crappy. Try to honestly remember your marriage and throw the rose colored glasses in the trash.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
