so i've been thinking....i know, scary thought..and usually gets me in trouble, but i think this is what's been going on, and why my W is acting the way she's been.
the thing that got me thinking and taking an objective look at my sitch is something Gucci loafer said on A's thread about PAs and EAs.....and the actions of the WAW
Every time my W starts to sense me drifting away from her..towards my independence from her feelings and to move forward...and any time rumors hit her that i've "moved on"....she drags me back by initiating contact about something mundane that i can do for her...
case in point:
July...i know rumors hit her that i'm starting to date. she becomes overly friendly towards me, invites me over to spend time with the kids and her, asks me to get her cigs.....then drifts away again...as she is sure i'm not going anywhere
September..again, i'm starting to GAL my ass off with work and such. same things happen....get pix messages of kids, friendlier discussions, etc...asks for cigs again....etc...then drifts away as she is sure i'm not going anywhere....
Now november...again, rumors start to drift towards her that i'm starting to date..i start to GAL even more...more social stuff..shes super friendly towards me...vents to me about things in her life....wants to spend xmas with the 4 of us.....then drifts away...
am i seeing things wrong here, or is this a pattern..? a "script" if you will.......?
Last edited by Neilh23; 12/08/0802:33 PM.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Neilh - I think your onto something. She's keeping you close enough to keep her out of crisis mode. I read a great point on one of Puppy's old threads. When she takes one step to you, you take 1/2 step back. Think about that.
Yes you are. So now you know what to do bro. Drop the rope. Stop being there for her. Live your life the way YOU want to as if she will never be a part of it again. Don't get sucked back by her little attempts to keep you close.
She wanted this, not you. So give it to her. Stop being so accessible. Stop reacting to her little "reach outs" to you. You are making her comfortable. Time to make her uncomfortable. Leave it to the troll. Stop answering all her calls. She does it to you, right?? Why are you being so nice when she is treating you like chit??
I know it's hard Neil. You and I are so alike. It took me a long time to get to this point. Go back in my early threads and see Puppy and Phoenix having 2 x 4 batting practice on me. I still screw up - but at least my attitude is right. The script is there because you are playing along. She moves in, you fall for it. Don't. Be mysterious. Don't react so much to her little reach outs. She is the one screwing up here, not you. We all make mistakes in our M. Stop beating yourself up over yours. You are a better man than you were before. Stop waiting for her to notice. She has supposedly moved on with the troll. It's time to let her know what life really feels like without Neil to fall back on.
I know you think I am stronger and farther along than you. I'm not. I'm just tired of being Pavlov's dog. And I see my W as a person that would inflict this on me. So you know what? Screw her. Go find someone, I don't care any more. I will too. I'm a better man now. There are other women out there that will see that. And my boys see it too. We were always close. Unbelievably, my W has pushed us even closer.
Neil - it's time for a change. And not a small one anymore. Time to play offense. Time to mount a big drive and flex superiority. Go for it bro. Feel better about yourself. You are the only one that can make that happen. Then watch what happens.
Strength and Honor.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Sandi told me the same thing: you have to keep yourself detached, even if your WAS moves in closer. That's how you get them to come back. I am bad about this too... I keep responding to my W also. I don't initiate, but I do respond. Like you, I have the feeling that she's very slowly getting closer, but I don't know anymore if that's what's happening or that I am just kidding myself. Only detaching more will make me feel better and make my sitch better.
am i seeing things wrong here, or is this a pattern..? a "script" if you will.......?
It is both, Neil, and it's also pure DB principles.
Don't pursue -- it doesn't work. Learn from your past patterns, and come up with a new gameplan, including goals, strategies and tactics for yourself. Put your old worry, angst and pursuit time into a new Plan!!!
My biggest fear is that the more I detach, I could become a WAW.
I have been meaning to read Puppy's threads. I am going to start tackling them this coming week. New term for school started and I have Admin law right now. Hopefully not too taxing during the holidays.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
It is both, Neil, and it's also pure DB principles.
Puppy
what exactly do you mean puppy? both a pattern and a script?
Yes. The pattern of "when you pursue, they pull back, and when you pull back, they pursue" is straight out of MWD's teachings, and really, straight out of human nature itself.
And it's also "script" in affairs. Personally, as a classic "Nice Guy" myself, I still find it kinda sad, and have a bone to pick with the Man Upstairs someday when I get there, but I do think it's true!
Keep GAL. Keep having fun. Keep moving forward with your life. And the next time she calls for anything....be too busy....although that doesn't apply to things about the kids. When you pick her up her cigs (which you should discourage anyway), you're saying, "I'm stick hung up on you." When you say, "sorry, I can't. I'm in the middle of something.", you are saying, "you are not priority #1). She has to chase.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
