Still More to Learn

[VeronicaV]

Whateverittakes,

You sound like you really have it together. I am impressed. Thank you for stopping by my thread.

To start a thread, click on the box that says "New Topic" in the upper left-hand side of the screen.

So, I take it you are also an attorney?

Beth

[AlexEN]

Oh, no, not another one!

[Tawnya]

Alex..yes they attract each other it seems LOL!

{{{Beth}}} Are you getting a whole new hairstyle or just getting a cut and/or color like you have had?? Ahh..I love going to get a haircut or color..it's fun!

Hope your night is good my friend

Tawnya

[lovehimso]

Hi Beth,

Haven't had a lot of time for the boards lately, but just wanted to pop in and say I've been thinking about you and hope you're doing okay.

Wish I could say things are going better here, but I'm not really sure HOW things are going. This is one of those nights when I suspect he's with OW, and that always bums me out, even though it's out of my control, and intellectually, I know I shouldn't LET it bother me, but my heart just breaks whenever I think about it.

I hope, one day, I will be able to look back on this time of my life and see it as something that needed to happen in order for my marriage to become the wonderful thing it is. Until then, I remain in limbo-land...

Registering for school tomorrow, though. That's positive, and exciting!

Take care Beth!

(((hugs)))

LHS

[whateverittakes]

Good morning,

I don't have it together... just trying like all of us. When I read your posts, it gives me strength and inspiration. More days than not it's this board that gets me through. I will try to post my own thread because I would really appreciate more support.

Yup, I'm an attorney too...one of the nice ones, I hope.

I echo what lovehimso says: I so hope that I will look back at this period as being what was necessary for our marriage to get even better.

There are no signs of recon in my sitch. As someone who expects results from my work (and the dbing is work!), I sometimes don't know where I will get the patience necessary to see this thing through. And it scares me that seeing it through may just be about him continuing to say... "the feelings just aren't there" (why do I always hear the band Air Supply in my head when he says that?).

Wishing each of you a productive and peaceful day... can we all try to have at least 5 really good laughs today? Most of mine will be at myself!!

[VeronicaV]

Tawnya - I have not decided whether there will be big change or little change. I'll decide on Saturday. But I agree with you, it is fun.

LHS - Good to hear from you. I have to get over to your thread to see how you are doing. Just keep moving forward, that's what I tell myself every morning.

Whateverittakes - some good advice I have gotten and that I use whenever I start to worry I may never reconcile with my H - keep your mind focused on the present. It is not the easiest thing to do, but it really brings a lot of comfort to me.

Got to get to work.

Beth

[VeronicaV]

I really do not like it when RL people challenge me for doing anything with regard to MY marriage that they feel is not in my best interest.

My boss's wife, who is a psychologist stopped by. She asked how I am doing. Then she grabbed my hand, noticed my rings and said why are you wearing your rings. I responded I am wearing my rings because I am married. She said, when will you stop. I said when I am no longer married if that ever happens. She looked at me like I said I like to eat puppies on toast with orange marmalade.

I know people mean well, but man. If I am wearing my rings, it is because I want to. I am a sentient being, she should realize I do not do this without thought. UGH!

This is hard enough. Keeping up PMA and trying to detach is the hardest thing I have ever done. It really complicates things when I have to defend my decisions to people. But she is my boss's wife so I cannot exactly tell her to mind her own business.

Now I am sitting in my office crying because it made me feel like crap.

Man it was the wrong day for this. I was already struggling this morning because I really miss him. Then I get to Starbucks and there is a Christmas song playing and it just hit me the wrong way and I teared up. Now this.

I want to be done with the crying meltdowns. I really do. And please deliver me from the "helpful" RL people who care so much about me that they ask hurtful questions to which they already know the answer.

As the cherry on the cake of my morning: one of the founding partner's of H's lawfirm committed suicide yesterday. Great job H has.

[VeronicaV]

Update:

I just read Phoenixdeux's post about the last resort technique and it has really helped me. It truly came at the perfect moment. Then I read in Another Nightmare's thread that he has taken off his wedding rings and so far so good.

The two posts combined gave me an epiphany. I have been way too afraid to let go. Like if I let go of the marriage, then it's game over. If I take off my rings, I am accepting defeat.

But I think it is finally sinking in that I want to let go of that marriage. That marriage fell apart and is in a really bad state. I no longer want that marriage.

I do still want that man. I would like a new relationship with that man, if he gets his head out of his butt.

I think I am confusing the crying/mourning of the loss with acceptance of defeat. So what we were defeated. Lots of people pick themselves up after defeat and try again. Hopefully, they will have learned something in the defeat, but they try again.

Why can't I try again with H, if he is willing one day?

I am rambling a bit but I wanted to get my thoughts out before I lost them. Plus it helps me process. Will probably have some more setbacks and crying, so be warned friends.

Thank you all for being here for me. I would me lost without you.

Beth

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth,

I would just consider your boss's wife one of those "well-meaning friends". They look at it from the outside without truly understanding your situation and your feelings. Ignore her! I know it is hard, but the only way you get through this is to trust your heart to tell you what you really want and need and your brain to tell you how to get there.

Everybody is different. Leave your ring on, if it is does not make you feel better. In my case, I think taking it off helps me detach. I even forgot that I took it off (as you can tell from my own thread). But if you keep thinking about it, then it is probably better to leave it on until you are ready.

One of the things my IC said about death was "It makes people reflect on things. They may realize that life is too short." Especially since it was a suicide, maybe it is a wake-up call for H. I know your fear goes the other way. That is a possibility, too, but stay positive! It is out of your control.

AN

[AlexEN]

Beth,

Update:

I just read Phoenixdeux's post about the last resort technique and it has really helped me. It truly came at the perfect moment. Then I read in Another Nightmare's thread that he has taken off his wedding rings and so far so good.

The two posts combined gave me an epiphany. I have been way too afraid to let go. Like if I let go of the marriage, then it's game over. If I take off my rings, I am accepting defeat.

But I think it is finally sinking in that I want to let go of that marriage. That marriage fell apart and is in a really bad state. I no longer want that marriage.

I do still want that man. I would like a new relationship with that man, if he gets his head out of his butt.

I think I am confusing the crying/mourning of the loss with acceptance of defeat. So what we were defeated. Lots of people pick themselves up after defeat and try again. Hopefully, they will have learned something in the defeat, but they try again.

Why can't I try again with H, if he is willing one day?

I am rambling a bit but I wanted to get my thoughts out before I lost them. Plus it helps me process. Will probably have some more setbacks and crying, so be warned friends.

I don't think you're rambling at all (especially given the way I DO ramble when I write, but I digress). I have to think you're making sense, because I finally realized the same thought you just articulated about the old R being dead on another board and, since GMTA, it's reinforcing to hear it from you.

In all seriousness, the old R is dead. Neither of us wants it. I'd want a new R with my W, too, but only IF she can work on herself and our marriage, too, so it would be a new R.

Don't know if you've seen it, but if you go to the infidelity board and look at thread "Whether, what and when to tell the kids?", one of the topics discussed was the wearing of the ring.
Personally, I think my W is the hypocrite for wearing the ring now (but, it's all part of her not wanting to have to disclose anything to the kids until the D is a done deal, which, IMO, is deceitful. I did take ring off for awhile, but realized that, as you said, I AM still married and I am still committed, for my family's sake more so than mine personally, to our marriage. I am not they hypocrite for wearing it; nor, do I want to beg the question from my children as to why I am not until it is time to tell them of our situation. As Puppy wrote on that thread, it is an "intensely personal" decision whether or not to wear one's ring. That is one that has to come from the gut (and, IMO, it's perfectly reasonable to have a different feeling about it on different days) and not from well-meaning 3rd parties.

Best,

AlexEN