Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[cz946]

Don't give up.

[still hopeful]

cz946,

Thank you for taking the time to post. I needed support and yours was just what I needed at the time I needed it. Thank you.

Tom

[still hopeful]

Re-assessing myself, as I have read others here are.

Re-reading previous posts from the past 3 years to determine when and where I either had great ideas of my own or was given pearls of wisdom from others here.

I know I will find numerous epiphanies and also see where I was pulled back into non-productive behaviors and patterns because of my own weaknesses and fears.

I will spend the weekend perusing this TON of information to see where I went wrong and how to best right my direction to meet my desired end of reconciliation. I have a strong suspicion that frank_D, phoenixdeux, and Doug (here at home) are correct, in that I simply need to disengage from XW to find myself and what are truly the correct actions (or NON-actions) for me to take for me and for my children. I have been making my decisions dependent upon what I think her reaction/feeling will be. THAT is no way to lead MY life. That is no way to truly be attractive to and desirable for my XW. That is no way to be a strong example for my children and to lead them to be happy, healthy and whole. As phoenixdeux said, "Letting go does not mean giving up." I believe that. I also know that MY way has been unproductive thus far. I gotta lead my situation out of this hole. And, it looks like "letting go" will be my way of leading my life differently to make the positive differences I need.

Wish me well in my efforts. Pray for me, if that is your way.

Tom

[cz946]

OK Still Hopeful lets do it together.

I too think its time I disengage from XW. XW has told me on numerous occasions that she knows I will never make the same mistakes again. Which is true, I wont, I can't, but never any word about us getting back together. Part of this is my own fault, she plays me like a pawn. She needs something i'm there, she misses me, I'm there. I told her on several occasions I want nothing more than getting back together. She knows how I feel and its willing to budge. Why should she, she has the best of both worlds, me being nice to here willing to accept her back at any moment, and hangin out with her friends and meeting new friends all the time.

So what does disengage mean? What are the rules. No contact? or not initiating contact, but returning txt, emails, etc...

I have been told by a friend that left her H 5 years ago, and now regrets it, that I have to make her miss me. She played her XH like a yoyo. She has told me since day one that I have to disengage. But i have alwayus been afraid to because I never wanted her to think I gave up or abandoned her. I think I have made it clear to her that I want nothing more than get back with her. But I don't want to be her back up plan either.

I told her last week at dinner, I don't think we can ever go back because of the D. I would be afraid she would leave me again. Me trying a scare tatic. She replied why, we never cheasted on each other or anything. This gives me hope, but I don't know if she says this to keep me hanging in there or not.

Trust me I have made mistakes along the way trying to DB, and I don't see any benefit from what I am doing now. She has said all along that she wants to be friends, but I want more. So I say lets do it together. I will keep you updated on my status and you do the same.

Ok so, I will start.
Heres my status.
Last Face to Face.
1/2/09 - Dinner, R talk, XW told me she was hanging out Mark(bowling buddy, he wants more and she is not willing).
Last email,
1/8/08 She replied, to a pic of d swimming that I sent day before.

Last TXT.
1/9/09 She sends me a txt at 6:30PM asking me my shirt size for specific store, states shirts are on clearance. I didn't get it until 9:30 cause I left cell at home. I respond at 9:30, its probabl;y to late bit xl. She responds ok, I have to go back tomorrow anyway.

No contact since. We will see what tomorrow brings.
In the past its been hard to disengage, because when I try she uses the d tatic, and wil send me a question about d oer call to talk to d.

Lets stick together still hopeful, We have one goal.

[still hopeful]

cz946,

I would love a brother-in-arms in our journeys to reconcile our broken marriages. It's late here, so I'll respond more in full tomorrow, but I do have three quick questions to get to know you a little better:

(1) what is your first name? I am Tom,
(2) what are your family and sitch specifics? Mine are on my signature, and
(3) how would your define yourself spiritually? I am Christian.

Thank you, my friend,
Tom

[still hopeful]

BTW, our present situations sound eerily similar. Thanks for reaching out. I have a strong feeling that we will be a huge help to each other.

Tom

[cz946]

(1) what is your first name? I am Rob
(2) what are your family and sitch specifics?
me: 34
XW: 29
D: 5
T: 13
M:9
Dday: Sep 18, 08
joint legal and physical custody of child


(3) how would your define yourself spiritually? I am Christian.

[still hopeful]

Thank you. Will respond either today or tomorrow. Spent day mostly with XW and children. Will post more details soon.

Tom

[RMG77739]

CZ,

I wish I had something more hopeful to write. I am one of the biggest advocates for M on this Earth... Yet, when someone leaves for someone else, I believe it is finished.....

I think the best thing to do is just walk away and remember what you have learned. Please, please, please.... Do not look back, my friend........ You will only cause yourself more pain..... Whether or not you look back, one still has to deal with the intense pain of the demise of their M.......

The sad thing is the dumb a$$ WASs almost ALWAYS regret leaving.... I have read it is around 90% as per some studies... Anyways, I have seen this happen so many times..... My on friend had two of his Christian friends D........ Both WASs came back.... BOTH were told the same line by the LBS..... I never wanted to D, BUT.... Since it is over and done, I chose to move on with my life... That is that.....

I wish I had more to help you.......

Take Care,

RMG

[cz946]

RMG77739,

Thanks for the support. My XW has stated all along that there is no one else. She left because she was unhappy. Not sure if this really helps my situation. I do believe she will regret leaving it the end, but only time will tell. In the end, I believe you are probably right, no matter what the reason for her leaving. I need to continue to grow and not look back!