H49, W49, M22yrs, D22, S17. Comfortable marriage, but romantically challenged in hindsight. 7/2008: discovered W's EA. 8/2008: disclosed my knowledge of EA to W. 8/2008 to 12/2008: W is ambivalent (cannot decide between our marriage or OM), stopped MC because not 100% committed to marriage, both now in individual counseling.
Says she loves me and has hope for our marriage, and indeed acts lovingly to me. We behave as normal H and W for now (I don't bring up EA topic much). But she admits to strong romantic love for OM (old boyfriend) and continues to secretly contact him a few times a week. I have not done much GAL method because we are still close and I am trying to show her the genuine loving H I can be after this wakeup call.
I feel that she is trying to keep both relationships alive while trying to make up her mind, or she is stringing me along until our S graduates HS.
Looking for encouragement on giving it more time, and advice on whether to continue as loving H, vs. GAL, vs. 180 (or more extreme).
I don't believe GAL means not showing her how loving you can be. I believe it's purpose is for you to take some of the focus off of her and put the focus on you and what you need to do to get yourself positive about yourself. I fear by you showing how loving you can be only, you will be smothering her.
Connections with past flames can be powerful and it is easy to have those romantic feelings as the fantasy plays out in your mind. You do need to pay attention with this kind of thing.
Is her old boyfriend married? Does he seem to be showing the same feelings for her? You biggest challenge may just be your wife and how you might be able to disrupt her fantasy of her old boyfriend.
keep posting.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Agree with Kat, you can be loving, but you need to tone it down.
Your wife is cheating on you. I know it doesn't seem as bad as a physical affair, but when you start declaring your love for some other guy...it's cheating. So, do you want to just be her roomie until she's established the relationship enough to move out? Some on here would say ignore it, it's just a symptom. Personally, I'd choose to say you won't accept it. Either end it with him or find somewhere else to be. Not harshly, just reasonably. And then start focusing on being the best you can be, but not for her, for yourself.
She won't respect you, or even consider the implications of losing you, unless she knows that you are prepared to move forward without her, if necessary.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
The old boyfriend is unhappily married, and had said he was ready to leave his family for W. He is intensely emotional and professes undying love for her. They both have used the word "soul mates". Recently, he had pulled back somewhat, I believe, in response to W's unwillingness to leave our family for him right now. But W seems to pursue him, expressing hope for them, too, which pulls him back. Nothing is final for them; they both believe they could be happy together, after getting past trauma of D.
What to you mean exactly by "pay attention to this kind of thing"?
A lot of romance has to do with fantasy. It is rare that you find 2 people that can fulfill that for each other in reality.(Or should I clarify and say at least on a regular basis).
I can tell you my marriage had problems partly because I did want romance before the deed. It could have been a date, handholding, a backrub or something along those lines, but ex wasn't changing the routine. There has to be some give and take. You said your marriage was lacking in that department, so your wife is getting her fill via the internet.
When you focus your love on her do those little things and expect nothing in return. People don't like feeling as if they are being set up and if she senses this in any way it will have a negative affect. You know what she is looking for, try giving it to her a little here and there. Shake it up!!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I just can't believe how many people fall for that 'unhappily married' and 'soulmate' rubbish.
Who doesn't get a little bored after many years of M or wonder occasionally 'what if?'. It's just most of us are sane enough to know those are just fleeting moments and NOT based in reality.
At the moment your W and OM are emotionally cake eating by staying M'd but getting high on fantasy. They have security with a little excitement thrown in - whilst you have a whole lot of angst.
Once they see what the reality of trying to fulfil their little fantasy would mean, the chances are very high it will soon end. At the moment they are not considering the wider implications of the devastation that would be created by them trying to get together long term. I bet OM's poor W doesn't even know her H is going around saying he is unhappily M'd - poor woman.
I think the reality of the devastation caused by following through on the fantasy is often more shocking to a man than a woman.....letting OM's W in on this might help end this little tete-a-tete.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thank you everyone for your replies. It feels good to hear from others!
I knew that my brief summary would be rather incomplete, to the point of being potentially misleading, so here is some more detail, and depending on what one reads into it, I am either on track with DB, or I am being a Polly Anna.
OM lives only a few miles from our home. Same school district. I do know that OM's W is aware of the EA, and they have been quarreling about it themselves. OM is in therapy to "get over" my W, less so to work on his marriage. My big problem is that my W is still initiating contact with him (email mostly and may have met) in a way that remains flirtatious, like trying to keep him close, so she does not lose him to another woman (not his wife). Imagine that!
My struggle is to stay the DB course until she realizes what she has here is better than her fantasy, or to vent my frustration at her persistent lying and pursuit of OM with more of an ultimatum (last resort?) And a tactical consideration is that to confront means to reveal that I am tapped into their communications, which could just push them to a different level of secrecy, out of my knowledge. Most times I feel that there is a real benefit to knowing what is going on, so that I will be able to believe it, first hand, when this all stops, in some perfect future. If I loose my "ears and eyes", I will be in the dark again.
Anyway, I told you it was more complicated. She hugs be tightly and tells me not to worry, that things will work out, and she doesn't want to cause me to be sad. But I don't ask if she "contacted" OM lately; I don't want to hear her lie because I know the truth. But hey, maybe this is the process that goes on unwritten in the DB book stories; it's not a quick straight line when "Joe" decides he is better off with W than OW. I hope I am just witnessing the wavering that presages the final decision.
Oh, and one last thing. W calls it EA because "sexually unconsummated", but there was the middle aged equivalent of "parking" going on. (actually PA then?) This has all stopped since they have not been meeting regularly, so I am achieving an improvement that strains their continued relationship. But they still write of "hope" for the future, which is why I want to remained tapped in.
I'm curious how far she is from you emotionally right now, and if you are waiting for her to come to her senses that what she has at home is better than OM, you have a LONG wait in front of you.
She is high on "love" aka limerance.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
