Hey gang, it's been a good while since I last posted anything but now I would like to get input from y'all.
We've been D'd now since early Sept. Not much contact and usually only email. In person contact has been cordial and conversations light with a positive tone but clearly we both not wanting to get "personal".
I'd asked her to box up the remaining things of mine in the house, some books, photos, china and a few other knickknacks. It took her weeks but I finally got them just before Thanksgiving. While unpacking the 4 boxes I found the photo albums she chose for me, in one were photos of the first 10 years together. Interestingly a dozen of photos removed and if I recall they were all of me or us together.
Some additional info, I have a phone that's on the family plan and a few weeks ago we discussed how I don't really use it and how she could save the $20/mn if we dropped it. She thinks that's a good idea and tells me she'll drop the phone.
Then on Thanksgiving she calls D12s mobile to talk with the girls which I was glad that she did. Then she asked to speak to me, I answered but didn't initiate any conversation. It sure felt like she wanted to talk but didn't know how to start. (I'm the talked between us.) So I thanked her for calling and wished her a happy Thanksgiving. BTW, she had previously told me she was going to our beach house for T-day which was what we as a family had done for years. The impression I got was that where ever she was she was alone.
Then on Saturday she calls my family plan phone to "talk to the girls." Strange since we agreed to drop that phone to save her money.
Now onto last night, she calls my family phone again and starts "Hey I just called to say hi and to talk to the girls." I greet her and actually initiate conversation thinking she wants to talk just isn't sure how to start. So I ask her about the company she's just started and how its going. She chats away about it for 2-3 minutes. Once she's a bit done I tell her it was nice to chat and she say "yes it was", I offer "call anytime, always nice to chat, here's the girls" and I pass the phone off to the kids.
So I don't want to read anything into this but her behavior has been a bit odd, calling on a phone she wants to get rid of, acting as if she wants to chat and a few other odds things.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Yes sir, sounds pretty typical. I wouldn't read too much into it or get worked up about it, just take it for what it is. The roller coaster doesn't shutdown when the papers are signed.
React however you deem appropriate. You can encourage the chatting or not. Remaining friendly would be good if you can pull it off w/o getting unrealistic about where it might go. I would encourage you to guard your heart.
In my sitch my X started reaching out a bit just after the D was final. Her wanting to "chat" with me most often coincided with times when she didn't have another steady guy in her life.
Thanks Steve, I was thinking similar things, mainly along the lines of not a lot happening with her and her "friend" right now plus a bit of sorrow in her too.
3 weeks ago I moved into the house I bought and pushed to get the remaining items from "our" house. I still don't have it all she conveniently "haven't had time to clean off the bookshelf or clean out the desk."
I'll remain friendly and positive because that's who I am, no need to be angry it serves no purpose and I past anger long ago. Now just trying to build a new life that I enjoy!
That all said, I do wonder if the MLC cycle is nearing it's end and she's beginning to return to "normal". If that is the case I need to do a bit of soul searching about, do I want to reconcile if that opportunity does arise. Really that's what's going through my mind right now.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I remember some of your posts from the Sep forum about her getting sympaty and comfort for you. Just be careful. I gave stbx understanding, was a listening ear, he'd call me when he was loosing it so I could talk him down, I mean, he'd confide in me his worst fears. But that was all he wanted, just someone to talk to, for after a month or so of that he showed up one day with a gf (who is now living with him) and didnt' think he had to tell me or even give me a courtesy heads up about it. Don't a an emotional blanket for her, because you might expect some feelings back from her and all she could be wanting is just someone to talk to because she is lonely, and there is nothing worse that having an R sorely because one is lonely.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
That all said, I do wonder if the MLC cycle is nearing it's end and she's beginning to return to "normal". If that is the case I need to do a bit of soul searching about, do I want to reconcile if that opportunity does arise. Really that's what's going through my mind right now.
Do they ever return to normal? Don't know about you X but mine has been through so much and done so much damage that she is forever changed in reality. Some times over the last few months when she was feeling "friendly" I allowed myself to view her through the lense of what she "used to be", even though that was not what was in front of me.
It is tough, just keep everything in perspective and above all guard your heart. Getting letdown yet again because of unrealistic expectations sucks. Perhaps the best bet is to plow ahead with the new life and if she ever catches up, then you can evaluate at that time. Don't put anything on hold for her right now...
It is tough, just keep everything in perspective and above all guard your heart. Getting letdown yet again because of unrealistic expectations sucks. Perhaps the best bet is to plow ahead with the new life and if she ever catches up, then you can evaluate at that time. Don't put anything on hold for her right now...
Steve
I hear ya Steve. The worst part of all of this is I really was moving right along happy as a clam then boom all it takes is a couple of timely phone calls and I'm sitting here confused and unsure what to think or feel. Truth be told, yes I do still love her but it's really, really faint. She'll always hold a special place in my heart and I do struggle with that because it makes me feel like I'll never have a whole heart to give to someone else.
I really just don't know how to feel right now, don't know if I should get back on the DBing bandwagon, tell her to take a hike, ignore her or worst of all pour my heart out to her. (I know that's a really bad idea!)
To toss a bit more fuel on the fire, my daily devotionals over the last week and a half have all been about being a good husband, good family patriarch, good family provider and how loving you should be to your wife. Funny how things happen like that, coincidence?? Sometimes I really wonder and now just wonder, what is God trying to tell me?
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Catfan---good to hear from you again! I agree with Steve. Live YOUR life and make yourself happy and whole. Then, she can decide if she can do the work to catch up - don't "what if" yourself about where she may end up. The whole, One day at a time thing.
Your daily devotionals are asking you to be a good family patriarch and provider - you are doing that by not entertaining the MLC rollercoaster. You are even loving and respecting X as a person, leaving her to make her own choices and steer her own growth. God is giving you a pat on the back. Just remain your happy, past-the-anger self.
Welcome back. According to my recollection, the tone of your first post was the same as it was for the entire time that you posted. Don't make something out of nothing. Don't go to the hardware store to buy milk. Don't try and make chicken salad out of chicken sh...oops.....feathers.
Like your W., my stbx had been cavorting with her boss for much longer than I suspected she was.
Thanks gang! I was really starting to hum along nicely in my life, lots of positives, lots to be happy about, then boom. I really don't care to be riding a roller coaster at this point and don't appreciate being shuffled towards one. But I must accept responsibility here too because of my own "what if-ing" definitely contributes to the roller coaster.
I do think this "what if" is probably all part of the process we all either will or have gone through. I don't think it's wrong be in this position and I really don't care for it. But I am here so I have to deal with it the best I can.
To answer my question though, right now I don't know what the answer is, I don't know if I'd be want or willing to have a new relationship with her or not. I do miss having the family together, taking adventures, laughing and sharing. Yes I do miss conversations with her, sitting quietly together, navigating life with her and such. #$%@ it this sucks to go through this all over again!!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
