Whether, what & when to tell kids?

[AlexEN]

Can any of the veterans point me to threads that discuss this topic?

I was at support group meeting last night and, to my surprise, virtually all of the people there who had experienced infidelity on the part of their spouses and who were still under the same roof had told, even their young children, about the affairs.

I'd been told that the children should be protected from this type of information and that the burden of this knowledge would do more harm than good.

Any strong opinions out there one way or the other?

Thanks...

[Little Engine]

My kids have it pretty much figured out. I would suggest that you don't share that information. You can't cross a bridge you've burned and the fewer people that know make it easier for R when the time comes. Kids understand when their is a problem, and it is better to let them ask questions than to spill it out there. I think it is good for kids to know that parents make mistakes and can be forgiven, that is part of being human. However, it puts the kids under a strain when they are forced to make a judgement call on a parent. Very painful, and very damaging. My S9 knows what is going on as I am out of the house and OM started coming over within a couple of weeks. S has been very unhappy with his mother over her actions. I would give them what they need to know and let them ask questions. You and W need to discuss it with them together so there can be no backbiting later. You don't want to pit the kids against their mother, you don't want her doing that to you. They need both of you at a time when the world they've known since birth is being reconfigured.

LE

[InLikeFlynn]

What is your wife's take on telling the kids?

My opinion is it should be based on the age of the kids. Your two older ones I would tell. They need to know why the family is being split up. The younger one could get a lighter version. But lets face it the kids will talk to each other. So I would sit them down (without the wife..she will try to blame or water it down) and then ask them if they have any questions. You don't have to be graphic but they deserve to know why their world is going to change forever.

Just my opinion!!


Flynn

[lost_in_space]

Better to hear it from you than in the community. And the latter is likely to happen. IMO

[AlexEN]

My wife not telling the kids anything yet (to my knowledge). On another thread yesterday, I wrote:

"She's, in her mind, just waiting me out until I "willingly go along with the divorce... so we can present united front to the kids." What scares her more than anything is looking "like the bad guy" to the kids (hence no public shows of affection in front of the kids, because by her not reciprocating it would make her look bad -- hmmm, and modeling a "loveless marriage" IS good for them?) so she's waiting for me to throw my hands up so it can be presented to them as a "mutual decision". I've told her I will not lie to them and if they ask if it's something I want, I would tell them "no, I do not want this; your mother does". That, to her, is perceived as a threat!"

And:

"Kids actually under the impression things are better (we used to argue in front of them and don't anymore); not sure what they perceive, but I think her announcement will knock their socks off, but I could be wrong. Our little guy is very perceptive, but I don't know that he knows what ails him, so-to-speak."

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Alex,

I think the kids should be told, in an age-appropriate way. The two older ones, for sure, and even the younger ones should know that this is NOT something that you want.

And I think your first posting shows you have good judgment and instincts on this.

Puppy

[hope3343]

Hi Alex, sorry you are here and like us in this situation.
My H told me in August that he wanted to move out. From that point on it was h$ll in our house. H felt that that point he could just go out whenever he felt with no repercussions at all. He is in an A with someone who works for him. H never stayed out but sometimes came home at 3 am and sometimes drunk (he hardly touched a drink and was dry at one point for 15 years), my D15 was getting very upset with his actions. H told D15 in mid September that he was moving out on Oct.1 because he was unhappy with Mommy and wanted to be on his own. H said that we might get a D.

The next day my D15 says is Daddy cheating on you? I sat her down and said, Yes, that is why Daddy has been acting the way that he has been because he knows he is doing something wrong. I told her that married people do not have boyfriends and girlfriends and that I did not want this and right now even though Daddy is leaving that I still want us to be married and will keep busy and work on myself and see what happens. I told her that Daddy and me were married for 21 years and I will not give up on my marriage after 3 months of bad behavior. I told her I was sad and angry about Daddy but I loved him.
Kids do know and they surprise you. Because then my D15 says is the OW ..... and she was absolutely right.
When my H found out I told her he was livid. I told him it was something she already suspected and I was not going to lie to her like you have been lying to us these past months. H did not want to be exposed and thought that he would just move out, that I would be fine, D's would be fine and everything would be wonderful in his fog babble world. Now as time goes by H is starting to take off those rose colored glasses.

If you asked me a year ago if I would ever tell my family about my H having an A (of course a year ago I never would have thought this would happen) I would say absolutely not but I know that it is more important to be truthful with my Ds than give lies to protect my H.
Good luck

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The next day my D15 says is Daddy cheating on you? I sat her down and said, Yes, that is why Daddy has been acting the way that he has been because he knows he is doing something wrong. I told her that married people do not have boyfriends and girlfriends and that I did not want this and right now even though Daddy is leaving that I still want us to be married and will keep busy and work on myself and see what happens. I told her that Daddy and me were married for 21 years and I will not give up on my marriage after 3 months of bad behavior. I told her I was sad and angry about Daddy but I loved him.

Very, very well done, 3343. That is almost word-for-word what I told my S-then-14, and he too, already knew, as did my two adult daughters.

Puppy

[hope3343]

PD, where do you think I "borrowed" it from ;-)
I see your posts and I thought that one covered the issue so well~

[Puppy Dog Tails]