If your coach suggests friendly but distracted, I would suggest you respond but not immediately. I try to think of it as how I would treat a neighbor with whom I want to maintain good rapport.
So, let him know you are doing just fine, try to be a little mysterious about what you are doing. Think, light and breezy.
Thanks so much, Bettou! It's funny how sometimes you know what to do but you need someone to validate it. I swear, I've never been this unsure of myself in my life. It's a little upsetting.
Light and breezy it is. I'll text him when I get home tonight, around 7:00.
I feel pathetic that such a small thing can feel really exciting.
Do not be too hard on yourself. So much of this DB stuff is so counterintuitive. I find myself almost frozen in panic sometimes trying to make the simplest decision regarding H. I think this comes from our strong desire to reconcile and great fear that anything we do wrong will ruin that forever.
Here are a few things I try to remember:
No one thing got you two into this sitch, so no one thing will get you out, or ruin any chance of reconciliation (at least not something as small as if, and when to to reply to an email)
DBing is all about trying different things to see what works. If it works, great, do more of the same. If not, note it and do not do it again.
Make no decisions, however small the issue, when you are highly emotional or in a state of panic - nothing good will come of that.
If in doubt, do nothing.
Now, I am certainly no expert at this and have my own struggles every day. Check out my thread and you will see I am up and down daily.
Keep posting here and others will respond. Read other posts and post comments to people, even if it is just workds of kindness and support. We all need it.
Thanks so much for the support, Bettou. It's really difficult to not be hard on myself these days. I'm normally a very confident, self-assured person, but right now I feel as though I'm on eggshells all the time.
I'm still navigating the board and catching up on threads, although I'm starting to respond a bit. Trying to make sure I give good advice first. I'll definitely check out your sitch. Thank you so much for stopping to check in on me.
I can't stop thinking about all the things I've done to get us to this point. I know that he's also made mistakes, and everyone keeps telling me that I need to get angry with my H (even he says things would be easier if I was angry at him), but the thing is, I really can't be angry. I was for a few moments here and there, but in the end I'm mostly angry at myself for not being there for him for years. I feel like I've come to all of these epiphanies a day late and a dollar short.
I ended up texting him at 7:00 - light and breezy saying that we're good (dog and I) and making an inside joke about the way our dog sleeps. He responded pretty warmly (and immediately). Told me to tell our dog he loves her, that he'll come over at 8:00 AM on Saturday to take care of the mortgage check, and told us (me and the dog) to take care and be safe. He sent three messages. I was brief and did not respond to the last "take care and see you later one." I'm trying to have PMA and tell myself that the fact that he's at least thinking of us is a good thing.
I'm terrified to see H on Saturday because I know I'm going to really have to prep my behavior ahead of time. I'm surprised that he's coming over to the house to pick me up and go to the bank. I'd pretty much expected to meet him there. On one hand, it could be a good thing - gives us more time and is more in line with our "normal" behavior. On the other hand, I'm really worried that he's going to pick up more of his stuff to take with him.
I'm just going to pray and try to stay calm. Trying to think about how to do a 180 on Saturday, and so far I'm thinking I'll: 1. Wear something that's not a business suit. That's tough since I always wear a suit of some sort, and I don't really own jeans or anything casual other than PJs. 2. Going to be friendly but not very attached. Breezy, as you say. No R talk. No "I miss you." Nothing about the financial situation unless he brings it up, and if he does, I'll ask for his advice. The good news is that my boss agreed to take my quarterly bonus and break it up monthly, so I think I'll be able to carry the house by myself for a little while. 3. Maybe I'll bake something the night before - like muffins - and just have them on hand. That's so not me.
Tonight is the first night that I've stayed alone in our house since he officially left on 11/20. My mother had been staying with me until today. It's so difficult to be here. The halls are hollow and his ghost is everywhere. I feel a deep emptiness as I sit here and type, a loneliness that seems boundless. I can't quite put my mind around the fact that I may never kiss him again. That perhaps we'll never watch horror movies or go to the shooting range or play Scrabble. I miss crying on his warmth and his humor. I miss us so much i can barely stand it.
I made the mistake of coming home and flipping through some of our old love letters. I found his stash of my old letters and cards, and they broke my heart. I read letters he'd written me in Afghanistan and wanted to kick myself for being a stupid kid that was too proud to write him back except once in a blue moon. He'd written me every single day - sometimes multiple times. I have hundreds of notes written on scraps of cardboard scraps of MREs that I didn't even bother to read at the time. Back then, i was too busy smoking in cafes and running free to care to read his "redundant" letters.
I cannot stop from thinking that ending things now would be such a waste. We have so much history and closeness and love (despite my bad behavior). He's so lost, and I feel for him; I have to continually fight my impulse to try to reason with him that what he's going through right now will pass. Lord knows I've been there myself. I just never physically left, although I've been mentally checked out many times before.
I can't help but wonder if I'm misinterpreting everything by trying to view what I know of his sitch through the lens of my own emotions and experience. Perhaps he really is ILYBNILWY, although he's never said that. I just couldn't blame him for not being in love with me. All of the signs point to him still loving me, but who knows. I could be deluding myself.
I suppose it doesn't matter in any case. I know I need to have a PMA and GAL right now, but the problem is that before all of this happened, I did have a fairly decent PMA and I certainly had a life.
Ah well. Going to think about putting myself to bed soon.
Waking up this morning was physically painful. No husband snoring beside me, groaning as I hit the snooze. The severity of the situation hit me for about the thousandth time, and I realized that I really might not get back what we had.
I cannot help but wonder if he misses me. He said he feels free, but will that feeling pass? Are there moments when he's tired and his brain goes to auto-pilot and he thinks of me?
Before I went to bed last night, I found his "year books" from his time as a Marine. There was a book chronicling his graduation from boot camp, and then a book that tracked his involvement in Operation Enduring Freedom. In all the years we've been together, I've never looked at them. I never really asked to see them, and when we were younger, I didn't really care to hear about what he went through. I resented his life as a Marine and so I asked very little about it. Instead, I'd go on and on about college, and he'd listen. He'd help me move dorm rooms, take care of my friends when they needed help, and it was always him that visited me.
Years later, once we'd been married for a couple years, I'd try to talk about his military experience with him but by that time he never wanted to open up about it.
I realized last night how cruel I'd been. I looked at those books and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I hated myself for not being there for him when he was cold and lonely and so afraid. I hated that he'd been out there, young and frightened, and that when his friends were receiving letters from their girlfriends and wives, that he was receiving letters from his parents and my parents and my friends, but rarely from me. Why was I so stupid and proud?
Did his heart sink every time the mail came? Did he grow to hate me a little even as he loved me?
I begged God for a chance to start again, to be a loving person to him. For a chance to start again, to make him happy.
I'm so, so sorry, and I don't know that I can ever forgive myself. I certainly don't know if he can ever forgive me, or even care to believe that I'm capable of better. And if he can't, I fear I won't be able to live with myself.
I keep praying and praying that things will work out, but I'm terrified that they won't. I don't even know if I'm doing a 180 by going dark. The truth is that though I've been pursuing him since he left, and in a sense I've been pursuing him a bit more for the past 2 years, I was dark for much of our relationship.
In this case, is it wrong to drop the rope? Should I be trying to make up for all the other hundred times I ignored him and "got on with my life" during the long distance phases of our relationship?
Nas Please don't beat yourself up. We all made mistakes. We are humans after all. Your mistakes DO NOT define who you are. It is how you learn from them and better yourself, that's the important part. It's not how you fall that matters, but how you get up. You have to forgive yourself first, and the BIG MAN upstairs will take care the rest, trust his guidance.
On previous post, you said your family is another battle. I just want to let you know this is YOUR battle, not your family. Keep this in mind, family support is very very important but they can be bias. If you feel they are bringing negative POV into your sitch, I will try to avoid the subject with your family. This is YOUR decision after all. I am glad to see the house finance seems to be taking care of. You don't need another distraction per sake.
I know you want to show him you are interested/care in his life, but you can't force it. You have to wait for him to take the lead. Otherwise, it will come across as fake. Just listen, validate and be supportive when he talks to you.
As far as Saturday meeting...you list is good. I like the muffins part. May be you can show her that you can be a 'Simple' woman once a while.
Again what's done is done. We have to look forward and keep driving that bus and hopefully one day our WASs will hop in for the ride.
You can do this.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Thank you so much, NW626. It really helps to feel so supported.
I honestly don't know how to go about forgiving myself. I'm asking God for help with that - as with everything - and otherwise I have no idea what to do. I've fallen before (chronic illness) and gotten up, so I know that somewhere inside I can do it. I have to try to find that place and start seeing the forest and not just the trees.
The problem is, the things I've had to grapple with before were things that happened to me, not things I've done. It's a different battle.
I just hope that somewhere inside he knows how much I do love and respect him. He was always my hero - in general but in very personal ways as well. I was just too proud to let him know it.
My family is going to be a battle because they are going to want to take care of everything for me, to get me moving forward. They all love him and want to help him - my aunt is trying to send him plane tickets to visit her and my uncle and get away, my mom and dad want to help him as well as me. Problem is, they have to let us both be adults, and that's really difficult to get across to them. I am their only daughter, and I don't know that they can let me go anymore than I can let him go.
Twisted, but I recognize the pattern. I got into an argument with my mom the other day because she wasn't letting me deal with things in my own way. As I was arguing, I realized that I was doing the exact same thing to him - trying to make him deal with things in my way because of my good intentions.
I'm gonna bake the muffins. And everything will be clean, and the dog will be brushed and fed. I'll be looking good, and I'll make some coffee and have his bills separated for him. Maybe I'll even pack up a few things he might want to take with him - more underwear, a book and a DVD and maybe something else that would make his life easier. He's an AOS, so he might appreciate it instead of feeling pushed away. If I were trying to help a best friend through a hard time, I'd make them a care package, so I don't think it's too desperate-seeming.
Thank you for your support Nasmat. I was touched reading your story and feel deeply for you while you're going through this. I too just joined, but it is so encouraging to see that you're so willing to reach out and touch others. I do not have any words of wisdom for you my friend, except to say that you are in good company here. I think we all are. You have been so honest and open, and I know first hand how desperately painful that can be. But if we truly want help and wisdom, which is all any of us can do, be honest and pray that wisdom is given with a soft hand. You have my prayers Nasmat. (((( ))))
Be strong Nasmat. Losing someone you love is not something one can simply "put on the back burner" and "do what needs to be done". Just do the best you can and have faith. We're here for support. I'll leave the wisdom part of the community to those who are healing their marriages instead of tearing them down. (((( ))))
I swear, I've never been this unsure of myself in my life. It's a little upsetting.
I'll text him when I get home tonight, around 7:00.