Frank, There is nothing wrong with encouraging them to spend time with their mother. There is nothing wrong with making sure they understand that you are okay with them spending time with her. Just don't try to manage it. They are old enough to decide. My son is 18 and I still encourage him to spend time with his father. He is still concerned that I am okay with it. I am not managing his relationship with his father in any way, shape or form. Reassurance goes a long way when they feel so torn.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
Last night before I went to bed I left a sticky note on the coffee machine: "W, please make only 4 cups of coffee if you aren't going to drink any" she usually makes 6.
I put one on the dog food can in the fridge "W, please let D13 feed the dogs, we need to learn our separated roles" Usually when W comes over she feeds the dogs. Other days D13 does.
When I got up this morning after she had been here and left, there was no coffee made and the notes were in the trash.
Defining borders is OK Frank. Stay the course. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
You know Frank, when my H first left he came over every morning to help get the kids ready. I of course accepted this help....but really it was just so I could see him and try to keep him involved with the family life. I thought that would bring him closer However, my DB coach and my IC said to stop this PRONTO. How could he want to come closer if he already had what he wanted....see the kids at his leisure and then go back to his apartment in the evening...leaving me with the fall out every night that it caused?
First of all, it's not quality time. Second of all it's awkward for the kids and them starting out the day that way sucks for them. Your daughters have already said they don't want to do XYZ because she doesn't live there anymore. Plus it's just the same old Frank doing the same old thing. She doesn't have to wonder or worry about Frank getting a life because you haven't changed yours one iota(sp?) I was told this was cake eating. This is not what a D or a S looks like. Give your wife a healthy dose of what this looks like. She sees the kids outside the home. That's her choice and you need to have your own space. She needs to wonder why you are protective of your own space. Do you show up to make coffee at her house? No Do you have access to her place? No Why are you giving her those privledges? She chose to not have them. Things started breaking at my house after H left. He is a handy man and once I revoked his key privledges I hired poeple to do the work. That p*ssed him off big time.... but you know what? It is a privledge to work on things on ones own home. He would say "it cost more money" Well, in return I would say, "well, we have to get use to the way it will be moving forward" I don't know of many D couples that keep their lives so intertwined...it was then and only then that I think helped my situation start turning in a different direction. I did none of this to try to get him back. I just got REAL. It REALLY has to change. I needed to REALLY start living my life as a single mother. IMO she should not be doing laundry at your house or anything else. She chose to give up that right. You've been status qou for to long now and you need to put a stop to it for yourself. It's what's best for you and that will ultimately be what's best for your kids.
Blessings
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Frank, I think as you start creating stronger boundaries that lead to locking her more and more out of the house, the time will come where she may take legal action. You need to see a laywer now so as to see what kind of protection you need so that you dont get locked out of that house someday.
Yeah, I haven't 'locked her out' yet but I'm redefining boundaries which will start to annoy her more and more. I have a friend going through divorce and his lawyer is good so I'll set up a meet with him.
Just to chip on here… I did too much for my X- H when we first separated. I loaned his money, stored his belongings, I did his washing and ironing cos he didn’t have a washing machine .. he kept his key and came and went as he pleased. He helped himself to food, slept over when he wanted etc etc.
On reflection I did this more for ME than him. I wanted him to be dependant on me. I treated him like he was unable to do anything himself..
Since going dark… I have found that he can manage to do his own washing, he has managed his finances..not as well as he could be he is surviving; he puts in so much more effort to see our son and the time they spend together is quality time. I have also found that my X-H and I have become much more respectful to one another.
Nutty x
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
