I Challenged Him to Decide...

[optimistwife]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1608347&page=2#Post1608347

So- I am starting a new thread because things have changed in my sitch tonight.

History (recap)- met 6 years ago. Married for 2.5 yrs now. Marriage started to fall apart soon after back from honeymoon, H is in school and fails a class and has to sit out a year. Depression follows, he took comfort in friendship with another woman (EA). I was the controller and made decisions. We did not have an equal relationship. Our marriage was up and down, but I never saw it coming...

He left 5 months ago and got an apt. Over the past few months things have gone from bad to better, to friendship, and feeling like we are close to romance, maybe reconciliation. His EA ended. The past month had been really good- he's more affectionate, were flirting, I've been going to his place. He's been spending nights at the house. We've been ML again. He's been talking about his future plans (graduates in May).

Then in the past 2 weeks, things have gotten wierd again. He has withdrawn from touch, acting distant. When over checking his phone and e-mail all the time. Was talking about a new friend (girl) who is so nice... I needed the truth so checked his e-mail. He is now in another EA- they have obviously done stuff- but he did say in an e-mail that they wouldn't have sex since he is still'married' and she has a boyfriend. But they are obviously in the lust stage from all the details (ick). She is questioning her boyfriend since she thinks my H is great. She went home over the weekend to spend time with boyfriend.

I hit the wall... because I realized that if I didn't say something now, while he is somewhat refraining from being intimate- that this 21 year old may come back single and be ready to move forward with H.

So I called him. I told him that I knew he was distant and was worried about him. I told him that I have been assuming that he knows how I feel- but I shouldn't. I told him that I care about him, that I love him. That I haven't run away and I want the opportunity to work on our marriage, but obviously it takes 2. I told him that our separation has been hard, but it has taught me a lot about what is important in my life. The things I value, and what I have taken for granted. I told him that he needed to know that I have given him time, and that he needs to know where I stand. That if it were me having problems I would want him to be there for me. I do not want to regret being there for him. I do not want to wish I had taken the chance to tell him how I feel and where I stand. He did thank me and I think he was stunned.

Then, I wrote it down and e-mailed it to him again so he can re-read it. And I signed it I love you.

This has been building up for so many months, and there has been no R talk. And he has not been initiating anything. And I feel he is obviously falling into lust with another woman- which I cannot do anything about. I don't know if it was the best thing to do, but I really felt it was what I had to do. I really felt that I had to let him know. And it is done.

Oh god- well I guess I am at the point where I need to know that either he is out- or he is at least willing to work on things. I did not say anything to let him know that I read his e-mail. I just confronted him with my confession of love.

I am a mess right now inside, but also feel like so much weight is lifted!

[daisy282]

Hey Opt,

I have been reading here and there and although I do not post to you often I was here tonight and wanted to stop in and say hello.

I can't imagine how you must be feeling, a whirlwind of emotions I bet!

I think it is good that you laid it all out on the line for him. It's tough when there are no R talks because you just never know what they are thinking and you don't know if they really understand what you are thinking and where you are at in your leg of the journey.

I know in my situation the R talks were not always the best but they did at least bring change, gradually. So while I know that R talks are not really DB appropriate they do spark change in some situations and I see some similiarities in our situations so maybe this will be a blessing, hard to imagine now I am sure.

Know that you have worked hard and fought fairly for your marriage. You cannot change your husband, only yourself. That is the biggest thing I have learned in this whole drama I have gone through. I think you know that too.

I wish you the best! I hope that your words have an impact on your husband and that it will open the lines of communication. You are an amazing woman and you deserve the best in life!

Keep at it. Always remember PMA and GAL regardless of what the WAH is doing, saying, etc. Be good to yourself.

[optimistwife]

Thank you Daisy.
I am hyper and crazy tonight with emotion. No crying, just very nervous/agitated? because I have gotten to this point.

There have been no R talks or even hints of it in the past 5 months. It is time for change. So far no further word from my H. I guess that is good. Need time to step back. I hope he really does think about what he wants at this point.

I love him so much, but HE needs to be a man now. I am giving him the chance to step up to the plate.

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this. I know it must be very little consolation, but it seems that your H is still holding back on taking that relationship further, whether he puts married in quotation marks or not. At the very least I'd say your H is confused, and confused is better than certain.

Seems like it was a 180 for you to share your feelings like you have, and given that you haven't been doing this the entire time, I'd say it was a good thing.

I don't think that there is one right way to DB. I think DBing is more about finding what works for you, taking 180s and risks, and always showing how much you value your partner's opinion and process. Some of the times where I have seen the most progress in my own sitch has been after taking a risk, or behaving in a way that others might suggest not to. Maybe this makes things worse for awhile, tenser and such, but then you can build on the truth that has been exposed. Now is your opportunity to step back and see what happens next.

Keep us posted please and hang in there,

ITH

[optimistwife]

I am holding up okay. Got about 2 hours of sleep last night so I am mentally and physically exhausted. On one hand I am happy to have gotten to this point- on the other hand I am terrified.

It IS a 180 for me to talk like this. And it WAS time. At least for me.

To me it feels like holding a gun to my head playing russian roullette- I pulled the trigger, and now I will see whether I get the bullitt or the blank.

Haven't heard anything from H. I saw from his FB page that he couldn't fall asleep either. I guess I knew something was wrong by how he was acting the last week. He is acting like he feels horrible inside around me. That is why he isn't talking much, meeting my eyes, or touching me.

Yes- at least there is some reservation on his side at this point so far. That is why I did what I did. Before things went any further.

I am trying to set up a session with Jody ASAP.

[optimistwife]

Thank god I lucked out and got a session with Jody this morning. I needed it. I always feel better after talking to her, no matter what. She didn't feel that what I did was the worst, as I didn't actually give an ultimatum (just feels like it to me)but put my feelings out there.

We went through things he may be trying to get my notice with and trying to control things. She did point out not to expect him to respond to the e-mail. I kind of expected that after reading about most other peoples posts. She told me that he may be hanging around and afraid that if we get back together things will go back to the same, and that I am fulfilling that.

She pointed out that by me working T-giving, I was retreating from spending special time with him. Not that I had to work, but that I didn't make a special experience afterwards- our own celebration. She said its not too late to do this and make is special.

So- I kind of broke my own idea of waiting for him to respond and I texted him to pick a day this week and I am coming to visit him for dinner. I am going to pack a Thanksgiving picnic and surprise him. I am going to get a card game or something for us to play together. I am going to try to make it fun and special and time for us to celebrate and give thanks.

He did text back that should be okay. Then later he called and he picked wednesday. We chatted for a while and kept it light. No mention of anything e-mail related. I got in as many boosting comments as I could (recommended by Jody- build him up, this is what he is looking for).

Okay- feeling slightly better. Oh- and a 6 session packet is on sale for anyone interested. I will need these, and we discussed how it would work if H was willing to participate. Not sure if we are there yet, but wanted to find out the details. This way I have plenty of sessions to share.

[Separated]

Hi Op -

I am so glad after that, you were able to talk to Jody and calm down. It does get overwhelming after awhile of not knowing what is going on, I completely undersatnd your need to send that email as I have been very tempted to send a similiar one myself!!

The great thing is that after all was said and done even thought he has not responded to the email he accepted a date night!! That I personlly think is fantastic, I personally am so scared that if I send an email like that, he won't respond to me and look your H is still talking to you and not running away!!!

I really hope that you get a much better sleep than you did last night. Don't let it get to you so much you did what you had to do for your own hearts content and so far it has been favourable.

I hope that you have a great Wednesday night!!

[Belle]

Good for you, Opt!

I know that snooping is considered a "no-no" but at least you know what is going on. (Even though it probably really hurts!)

I hate living in the dark.

I think that what you did and said was good. It all sounded positive which is important!

I hope you have a good Thanksgiving picnic!!

And I hope that things move in a positive direction for you now that you've made your declaration!

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

I have to agree with Sep that it's a very good sign that he accepted date night. If your H is anything like mine, chances are that the email/call threw him for a real loop, and he's once again questioning all of his assumptions and decisions.

IMO now that you have put yourself out there, it would be a good time to go back to the "basics" of DBing and hold off on R talks etc. You have made your position clear, so unfortunately it's now up to him to make the next move, or at least that's my take on it. If you can continue to show him how great it is to be with you, the things that you have to offer that this little 21 year old doesn't (and BTW you are gorgeous--saw your pictures on FB), chances are good that he will come around. I know the holidays are rough, but I think in some ways they may play in our favor. I don't think they want to be alone/lonely any more than we do, and they are a good time to be a bit sentimental...

Glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better!

ITH

[optimistwife]

Well, he did accept the date for Wed which is good. I went home last night and called him after work- and at first no answer. Figured 'oh no, I wonder what he is doing' even though I know I shouldn't. Checked his conv. with her and saw enough to see that they communicated yesterday and he is backing off, told her not to visit that night. Okay! this is a good sign...

He called right then! and we had a good conversation. He ended up asking what I was doing and invited me to come over if I wanted. Asked if I was going to spend the night which I accepted. It was a bit weird trying to control my thoughts but he is choosing to see me! so I should make the most of it- not back off now. We mostly watched tv and I wateched him play video games for a while. Went to bed and I held his hand as we fell asleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up to him copping a feel! But I was too exhausted to even register and wrapped his arm around me and we fell back asleep. This morning we cuddled briefly and I had to leave to go home and get ready for work.

He has called 2 times today to chat about things. Once from grocery shopping- mentioned he may be going to the farmers market this weekend to get veggies and maybe we could go together.

So- I do think this is a shake up. I sent him an e-mail this morning when I got home. Thanked him for his invite. My 180 is to share my feelings and emotions with him since the past few months I have just been acting happy and only telling him about what I've been doing- not feeling.

I now realize that he is looking for the emotional connection with these other people- and I am not providing that.

I have a feeling that things are going to move much more quickly one way or another.

So- next big day is the Wed picnic... Plus I will call him tonight...