As many of you know my only child turned 8 on Thursday. As we speak and at the risk of perhaps overstating a little, there is nothing or nobody rather who is more important than D8 in my life.. I spent a wonderful weekend with her....I think I finally understood that all she wants is to spend some time with her dad and she is hurting.... After dropping her off at "home" , I made my way back to my apt. Well...I get a call from D8 who is crying (actually having trouble speaking)...I hear her say I want to be with you daddy. Let me tell you that that was the biggest bomb of my life....screw the ILYBIANILWY bull$hit. In the background I hear her mother say something to the effect that she is manipulating.....perhaps it is true to some extent but for someone who caused all this pain, what would it take to perhaps comfort her instead. Anyhow, needless to say that the conversation with her mom after D8 was asleep was less than amicable. Earlier, we had a little birthday party for D8 with my side of the family....Happy birthday sweetheart....I wonder what she wished for? I am going to need to find some resources to help me deal with this.....whether it be a book or get her to some counselling.
John, that is so hard to see the kids in such emotional pain. I remember having a real hard time holding back the tears when my son was sobbing on the floor when he learned that his mother was not coming home.
It does kind of boost your PMA to know that she looks to you when she is hurting. You should look for a book to help her cope and understand divorce.
It is pretty hard to be amicable when little ones are crying because of our wayward wives path in life.
Try and find someone she can talk to. It's important that she have someone to share her feelings with.
Whatever you do, don't bad mouth her mother near her no matter how much your stbex deserves it. You need to be the rock I know you are.
John, I knew from the moment I read your describe your daughter that you are a good father. She is a lucky little girl to have you. Be strong yourself. I'm impressed my friend.
John, I am sorry you have to see your D suffer. There is no easy way to deal with this. I know. All of us know being here. Love her and be there for her and talk to her. Dont be afraid to ask her how she feels. Make her feel she can talk to you about anything and everything, find a therapist she could go to or at least someone you can go to and ask for advice. I am sorry, I know you are angry at your xW. This sucks.. xxx K
Children hurt. Children will sacrifice themselves for what they perceive to be the greater good, taking on the responsibility, the blame without even knowing they're doing it.
Parents protect, nurture, love and teach their children. Perhaps she needs more time with you, the limited weekends might be too little for a girl who needs her father. After all, fathers teach their daughter how to love, what to expect in a man.. among many other things.
Perhaps your getting stuck in the sadness, the funk you've experienced might have the same origin. It's easier to blame the spouse and bemoan what life has throw at us. Read up about 'visitor dads'. I don't know your circumstances or even if it's possible for you to give her more of what she needs.
Manipulating.. what if she is doing it? It doesn't make it wrong, it expresses a need she has, to be reassured. To know she'll always be loved. Only recently have I gotten my head outta my ass over the continuing loss of my marriage. It's my children's welfare that matters most over what was supposed to be a lifetime vow.
Guess what.. children ARE the embodiment of unconditional love and commitment for the rest of your life. At each turn of this winding rocky road ask yourself.. What is in the best interest of my child?
John..I am with Woog here..don't say anyhting bad about her mom around her and get her in a good IC..she needs someone to talk to and vent.. an objective person..
what you do now sets the tone for how she reacts to adversity in the future.
Does her school have a counselor? My son (6) has a school counselor with a therapy dog, the kids can come in and talk to him about the 'junk' in their lives, pet the dog, feel a little better....not sure if the whole "school counselor" thing has caught on in Canada at the younger grades or not, it is unfortunately becoming very popular in these parts b/c so many kids have 'junk' to deal with......
Thanks guys...for your support and suggestions, it does mean alot to me.... Incidentally, I never say anything bad about her mom or anybody else around my daughter. I will look into the counsellor when I return from my trip to Toronto....sales meeting....youppi! D8's school is closed today...bad weather....she called me this morning to tell me. She was in a much better mood than yesterday. She will spend the day with a few kids and a babysitter...she sounded happy. I did speak to her mother last night (she called me). Apparently she was pissed that I questionned her parenting skills. I had calmed down by then and expressed myself with very little emotion... I think she understood my point of view. Anyhow need to get my stuff together for the meeting tommorow...
Hi there John - this was my W's idea - so I take no credit for it whatsoever!
She thought of a mutual friend, one that S6 sees fairly regularly and asked her if she would mind being S6's "Safe Person" - it brought tears to my eyes when we first talked about it and it still does - to think that our little boy would ever hurt so much to need someone like that...but this person was actually thrilled to be asked - as much as you can be under the circumstances, and I know takes her role seriously.
Is there anyone like that you and your W could ask - I think the counsellor idea is great but it might be that your D also needs something a little "less obvious"
Thinking of you John...GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
