This is my first post but I`ve been lurking for awhile.
We`ve been separated since last spring - very difficult, gut-wrenching for a few months. Now trying to work on friendship.
Had a visit with H last night - he came by to help me out with something. Felt separated but not distant, if that makes any sense.
My question: how does everyone deal with the sadness when you`re with them (and when they leave - argh)? We`re supposed to be dbing while building a friendship but I don`t feel this kind of sadness with other "friends".
It really feels like he would be content just to be friends... that anything more intimate is not what he wants. Am I just feeding into that with my dbing? I don`t want to be "just friends".
Would love to hear from anyone else on this path. Thanks.
We seem to have recovered our relationship back to "friends" but I don't want things to stop there, although for her this might be as far as she's prepared to go.
I am trying to take my eye off my BIG goal; reconciliation, and concentrate my DBing efforts on the goal which seems more attainable ie ok now we're friends, how can i consolidate that and work to strengthen that friendship to a point where it might be possible to move on a stage - for me wanting to move to reconciliation right now would be a number of stages in one go - like the wright brothers flying to the moon! And while there's an outside chance it might work out it most likely would not. Patience and preparation are key for me here. Also rushing things along would deny me the opportunity of making my changes stick.
There was a poster on this BB called Coach - he kept the Stockdale Paradox in mind when moving back to reconciliation with his W - it might be worth searching him out.
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Hi GFI It sounds like you may be in a similar situation. I`m separated from my H, no kids. I wonder about gender differences here... always a potentially sensitive subject. I think friendship works really well in attracting women, particularly if there are trust or related issues at play. I don`t know if the same dynamic works well in attracting men. I have spoken to a DB coach who emphasizes that friendship is the way to go. But I am concerned that if my H gets the contact with me that he wants as a friend, he can feel free to look elsewhere for the other kind of "energy" that he may want even more as a midlife male! Would appreciate your thoughts on that. Your sign-up date suggests that you have been doing this for awhile? Do you question how long you`re willing to do this? Does your wife have an OM? I will search for the posts you recommend. Thanks for your post... this is tough stuff, the toughest I`ve ever lived through.
I think my situation may be similar to yours. H and I have been together 12 years, married 10. He left me in August. I have been DBing since October and have had moderate success.
Not sure we are in the friendship stage yet. My DB coach calls the first stage "getting to neutral" you know, getting H to realize meetings with me will be calm and not involve relationship talk. He has emailed me a couple of times and has asked me to lunch once, two weeks ago. I looked good, was very calm, talked about my GAL activities and have not heard from him since. He looked horrid. My coach says this is to be expected. Spouse will apparently retreat after a positive encounter.
Anyway, I think the friendship thing can work, even with men because we were more than just friends once weren't we. I think if they see that the basic friendship connection/draw is still there, then the attraction will come back.
Your post seems to indicate that your H is having a MLC. I am pretty certain mine has depression. That is something else we could talk about.
Anyway, just wanted to chime in and let you know we may have a bit in common. My thread is in Newcomers - it's called "And I'm Still Learning" in case you want to check it out. Sorry, I am terrible at linking.
Hi NTL, Many of us don't just want to be friends w/our spouse, we want more. I guess, you could say the timing isn't right at the moment. Many of us are waiting for our spouses to figure out what they want. So in the meantime life goes on & you learn to control your own happiness once again. That's the point I'm at.
It's wonderful to hear you are at the friend stage w/ your H. Be content & patient with that. You might want to read the 5 Languages of Love or His Needs Her Needs. Both are very good books.
Stay strong & be very patient.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
You're right - I have been at this a good while - I found out about my W's affair in Feb 2007.
That post bomb time was the most horrid, devastating experience I have ever had...I held out hope that by sticking at home I would be able to show my W I was serious about my changes and that they were real - but I'm pretty sure that the hurt and pain I had caused her, prompting her to look outside of our marriage for comfort and love was simply too raw...I'm not in any way helping her out here by absolving her of responsibility...she has plenty!
I left our home in September this year and have been more actively straightening out my life via GAL...and making changes for me rather than for her.
I like what Bettou observes above - the significance of getting to neutral...and then building on friendship from that point. I think we're past that now - maybe moving into first gear...
But I have noticed that since I moved out, the interactions I've had with W have been much more positive...and for me the friendship route is the only way to go, it builds slowly on trust and trustworthiness, on selflessness, on taking responsibility and on commitment - these were the things that I was deficient in - and I need a means of showing them - friendship, I hope, will allow me to.
I'm not sure about the gender differences thing...to presume there is a fundamental difference between the male approach to friends and the female approach in the way you suggest would by extension mean that men can only be friends with men and women with women - is this your assertion? Or have I misunderstood? Tell us more about that bit of your post...
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
No, that`s not my assertion although a reasonable assumption based on what I had written. My MLC husband (like other 50ish men) is, I think, worried about his attractiveness to women. Or at least he is preoccupied with it. Given where he`s at, I`m not sure that he is putting much value or emphasis on friendship. So I`m just wallpaper, although not bad-looking wallpaper (I have to add that last bit for my still-fragile ego). How do you keep your hope through all of this? You`ve been at it for so long... incredible. Genuine kudos to you!! Bravo!
