I've read some stories in here where there is anoher person either W or H leaves spouse for but laters comes back with orginal spouse for some reason or another. I'm confused by this because how do you know it willn't happen again until the person finds another person they like. I have read on another website "askmen.com" that onces the person W(in my case) leaves her intereset level basically goes down and it's better moving on then trying to work on it because once Interest level is gone no hope bringing it back.
Well these are the preconvinced notions that I have. We have been married for 2 years. Originall wife had broke it off during engament but I called her up and convinced her to stay. Later came to find out her parents also had something to do with convincing her to stay. There is also a Green Card involued which she has gotten and probally will get by using the "Good Faith Marriage". It was wierd i thought at the beginning when wife would e-mail me about the fights we had but I now think it was to build evidence for her case to get the Green Card without me, I can't say that with 100% confidene but I think. Also when I would talk to her about stopping and not filing for D she would cry sometimes and say she has to and that we can't just get along anymore. I did get angry with her during our marriage and use bad language sometimes also had Money issues(me wanting to save and her wanting to spend and her keeping seperate account). Also alot of our family is involued in it plus alot of community. Her uncle is a major a-hole to, I think he is the 1 that is telling her to be strong and not give in and pursue the D. He has some major issues.
Also another thing that frustrates me and all you WAW should take into consideration is that when husband is saying he is doing these things don't still blow him off and get upset if he gets upset that u don't show any appreciation. Because he is doing so many things and u keep saying he isn't doing anything but when he does u still blow him off. Thre is a fine line between been tuff and be totally cruel, remember what comes around goes around so try to be nice to him.
So my questions are. I want to work on this because i'm scared this will happen again (D), we can work on it and make it better, I still have feelings for her, miss being next to her and so many other things. How do I find out that she had real feelings for me and not just the greencard. She bought me presents and stuff but might've just to show hey I tried and stuff. Should I still pursue it or move on, I feel like some loser that keeps wantin her back but i'm ok with that
If not, give some serious thought as to why you would want to pursue her. It sound like, with the green card involved, that she may not have married you with good intentions. Do you want to be married to a woman who only married you for a green card?
Yes, you need to work on yourself and whatever anger issues and other things you did wrong in the marriage. Be the best you that you can be. But this woman was never 100% in the marriage, from the sound of it. Don't you think you deserve a woman who thinks you are great, who desires to be with you, who WANTS to build a life with you?
Hi Ellie, Thank you so much for the response. No Children involved. Could I know your background so I feel much safer and confident in your response, I'm not trying to be a a-hole promise.
At the beginning it was like that she liked me and stuff so how do you know for 100% sure that it's serious from her side?
I meant next time I meet someone how would I know it's serious, I had feelings after we were married that she had lost interest but U know can't trust those while u are married.
I think the fact that your W broke off the engagement at one point suggests that she did really love you and wasn't just in it for the green card. She was ready to walk without the card.
You said that you would get angry and use bad language. What exactly does that mean? Did you call her names? Or say FU? If so, that is not merely "bad language" it is verbal abuse.
It is not unusual for a woman to try to communicate via email, especially if she fears your anger and/or if she doesn't feel like she is being heard. She may have hoped that putting it in writing would help communication.
Originally Posted By: john95
Also another thing that frustrates me and all you WAW should take into consideration is that when husband is saying he is doing these things don't still blow him off and get upset if he gets upset that u don't show any appreciation. [emphasis added]
Okay, do you realize that you are telling WAW's what they "should" take into consideration and telling them what they shouldn't feel - don't get upset - even though you yourself are upset? What if she were to tell you to not get upset if you don't feel appreciated?
I think the fact that your W broke off the engagement at one point suggests that she did really love you and wasn't just in it for the green card. She was ready to walk without the card.
I think you are right she wasn't in for it at the beginning for the Greencard and should've just let her go and not let me emoitons and broken heart get the best of me. Because people have said once interest is broken it's difficult to get interest back. She did break enagment off but she later told me that her parents convinced her to get married. So it seemed like at once the interest level was there but fizzeled off when engament was broken then forced into it by parents. Possibly after being forced and she didn't like the marriage thing she was probally convinced by her uncle to go forward and try to get green card to atleast get something out of it. Her uncle is mainuplative as others have said as well. After she received Green card that's when she first said she wanted the divorce, after that 2 more times and this time she filed for paper work. Once you receive green card it's bascically after that you can apply for yourself and don't necessary need husband to be at the interview just need to prove that spouse was abusive.
She would also tell our family and friends he did this and everything when I never told anything she did. That was another issue that I didn't like, you should do everything in your power to solve it yourself when you get others involued one side of the story is told and plus you are talking to friends/family so you get biased help.
Originally Posted By: Dudess
Okay, do you realize that you are telling WAW's what they "should" take into consideration and telling them what they shouldn't feel - don't get upset - even though you yourself are upset? What if she were to tell you to not get upset if you don't feel appreciated?
I understand that the person walking away has every right to be upset but what I'm saying is that if you do something to correct a flaw that the other person say's you have and you tell the other person what you are doing but other WAperson(not neccasrily wife) say's it's not good enough or is impervious about it, it would make the person doing the things to improve disappointed because whatever they are doing isn't working. I guess if the WAperson doesn't want to be with the person they left 100% and they have just given up and doesn't want to work out anything with the person that's another story.
I understand that cuss words are verbal abuse which both of us did. But also non-cuss words are also verbal abuse and I feel more hurtfull because they carry more meaning then a cuss-word. For example cheap ass, stupid, why do u ask such stupid questions as where F U is just something that is blurted out instead of thought out and instead of being meant to mean something. I'm sorry if my explanation was confusing, please tell me if you are because I want to try to understand this myself because 1 the biggest issues i see here facing ppl that have had there spouse walk away.
Some of the things I used to get mad is that she used to do many things with other people and not do things with me. Then said that I never do anything. I agree I didn't initiate things but whenever she said she wanted to do something I would be up for it.
Also before she used to let me go into her e-mail account and other accounts then all of a sudden stopped letting me in. That's just something that confused me and get a little supsious why all of a sudden. She used to say i would like my privacy that's fine but before she didn't. I would let her go into my e-mail account no questions asked because i wanted to show her that hey i don't have anything to hide and make her feel safe and trust me. That's what I wanted from her.
But also non-cuss words are also verbal abuse and I feel more hurtfull because they carry more meaning then a cuss-word. For example cheap ass, stupid, why do u ask such stupid questions as where F U is just something that is blurted out instead of thought out and instead of being meant to mean something.
I agree that non-cuss words can be very hurtful and I would be hurt by the phrases you specified. Does your W say those things to you? Have you told her how you feel about her saying those things to you?
Do you think your W lost interest in you, or is it the arguing that got to her? Did she ever give you the ILYBINILWY?
I don't know anything about how the green card system works. Does your W have to show that you were abusive to her in order to keep a green card after divorce?
Yes, I do understand it would be upsetting to be making the changes you thought your W wanted and her seeming not to care or notice. Is that what's happening?
Re: dealing with anger. My H and I are both reading a book called "Love without Hurt" by Steven Stosny. (It was previously published under the title "You don't have to take it anymore") It has been really helpful.
You might want to start a thread in the Newcomers section to start with because there are a lot more people who post there.
I have told her that about the non-cuss words but I honestly don't remember what she said.
She said she was never interested even when we went to some place about a year ago, we have been married for 2 years. So I don't know how long before that, this was the case. She said she was just interested in the place itself but not with me. She did buy me things which she earned from her job but always says see I bought u stuff. I don't say that because I don't want to seem I do things just so I can stuff it in the other person face, which honestly nobody should be pressured to do. She would always use that against me, see I bought you stuff.
I'm so jealous of your realtionship that is awesome both of you guys are working on it togehter. Please keep doing that and let me know how things proceed. The thing that scared me and hurt me is that I would have to do everything and she could later say see he did have problems and he needed the help where as she didnt do anything therefore she was ok and nothing was her fault. Where in fact she would get mad as well, cuss and use non-cuss words. But she said hey i'm the one leaving you should try to convince me to stay. That's what makes me upset. Plus I did read some stuff on the net which I told her, plus I made list of things but she said hey that's not enough.
She has filed for the paperwork and I feel and 95% sure it's over. I feel pressure from Family has really made it worse for her. I have been working out, looking at classes improving myself, talking to friends family.
