I ask for the support and advice from this great community. This is not a question concerning legal issues, rather the approach and effective DB behavior to make the best of this potential situation.
Question 1: How do I move back in to my house with W & 2 D’s (14 and 11) in the DB way?
Question 2: Is there any reason that it would not to move back in and continue to live in the DB way with the support of coaching, GAL, 180 and being 110 percent committed to my beautiful children.
Here is the quick summary: `16 years of happy marriage, July of this year, W hits MLC and needs some time, then some space, then not sure and then drops the bomb last Sunday with D. Said over this journey that I was not emotionally available and did too much for her and did not value what she could do. I did provide time (thought is would be a few days) then provided space (due to still thinking just a bit of time and not wanting to disrupt my daughters) and then had to come to the realization that I had to find a place to live after 6 weeks living all over the place. W’s family, friends and even C urge me to stay committed, W is working though issues, etc. W is one of 2 children and her only brother calls to support my efforts. “She has so many issues that she has yet to address.”
W’s story - mother 3 marriages, father AA with 3 marriages, other hard challenging stuff. 16 years of marriage was wonderful, certainly normal with normal hurdles, emotionally challenged daughter, but she would have said to you this spring “ our marriage is great, we get along so well” Last week I was going to approach W to go to DB Center and visit one on one with Michele. Prior to this she said she wanted D. My response I would say was in the DB beliefs and approaches.
I did finally share with W my desire for her to attend a 2 day intensive with M, but not interested. Finally, several events have put my daughters in a difficult situation, broken hearts with Mom not being available, openly asking for boundaries with both me and D’s. Thanksgiving Day after brunch, had D’s do homework and clean rooms while she went to Starbucks. Not sure she did as I believe Starbucks were closed.
My family and others are urging me to get back in the house, take a position to be the safe, consistent and loving parent. To be in the house during her potential journey towards D. I will discuss with L on Monday, (first discussion with L). But looking for DB answers, suggestions to several questions:
[list] [*]null Move back for me, for kids and not for her . Not have this move be perceived as not having a life, pursuing, begging, etc. Best DB behavior upon return. The support and suggestions of this great community is greatly appreciated.
In return I share with you this great song for Thanksgiving that I play several times a week.
Get back in there and keep an eye on your daughters. Show them what true strength is by being there for them. As far as the wife goes, stay dark. Your marriage can survive infidelity, but it will be very difficult and believe me, I understand all about staying in it for the children. Right now, your wife is not thinking clearly and your girls need someone there who can.
When you get back in the home, be the best darn daddy ever. Act as if you were never gone. Help with homework, chores, whatever. If wifey asks why you returned, tell her you want to be near the kids. Don't dare start asking "Where have you been?" questions of the wife. Above all, hang in there. Keep coming back to this place for help. Don't give up and stay focussed. Take little steps. Your first goal is to get back in the house. Tell your wife you are coming home and will stay in the spare bedroom (or elsewhere). Tell her you still have hope.
It will be difficult, but don't get down on yourself or beat yourself up. This is a great time of year for that sort of thing. You will soon find that you are stronger than you know.
