Quoting rmccord: Does anyone have a suggestion on how I could get the proof I need but not giving hima reason to walk out the door either? I need some ideas here. I know I'd be so angry if her # was on the cell bills that I'd be likely to say anything to him. Suggestions? Rachael
Well it sounds like your between a rock and a hard place..if you get the proof w/o asking him what will you do with the proof..kick him out ?..I don't think so. If you ask him for the proof and he gives it and you don't like it..same thing?
So IF you go looking for the proof..you have got to figure out what to do with it.
Last night I checked my Hs cell phone log..and there it is a "received " call form OW's work #.
Right now he is with the dog and visiting some family property..is she with him?..I sorta accused him of it last night..he denied..I've spoken to him twice so I doubt she is there.It's awful, just awful.He admits to talking to her..by phone..I've made a pretense of blowing it off..
HI MATTIE...will borrow your thread a minute to respond to Rachael.... I know exactly how you would feel if you found proof that your H was still in contact with the XOW...been there,done that. When my H called the XOW and told her the R was over I tried to get him to tell her that meant ALL communication but he told me she'd understand that. He also promised that if he did hear from her he'd tell me and that he wouldn't respond to any contact from her. Well,of course since I was in the not being able to trust him at all phase I did what little checking up on him I could. There was no way I could access his cell phone as it belongs to his place of business and they have all the bills etc. Also his email at home can be accessed by me but not his work email. Where he works is very careful about such things and he needs 2 passwords to access his email. But I did have a way to check and see if he was sending her anymore email cards either from here or work (the site he used needed a password and I found it in his address book). I also checked his brief case from time to time (I know that was not a good thing but I think you understand where I was coming from). I always told myself that he wouldn't be dumb enough to bring anything he received from her home again like he did when I discovered the A in the first place but I just felt I had to check. I accessed the card site ocassionally. I also asked him several times if he'd heard anything and he denied it everytime. Well,after a couple of months I started to relax some but still ocassionally felt the need to look for something. On the 4th of July (2001)I decided I hadn't checked the card site in awhile so I did. You guessed it....he had sent her a birthday card on the 2nd of July!! I was totally devistated!! There I was trying so hard to work on things and believe him and he had betrayed me again!! This time I was not calm when I called him and told him what I had discovered. I was too upset. When he came home we had it out!! He honestly didn't understand how I saw this as a betrayal!!! I said that he had not only broken a promise but looked me in the eye and lied about it.He said she emailed him and sent him a card on his birthday back in April and asked if they could at least be "friends" and he saw no reason why he couldn't ocassionally email her!!(said he felt "guilty" that he had used her and hurt her!!) I asked how he thought I could continue to work on our R if he had her still in his life. He said she wasn't "in his life"!! MEN!!!! Anyway,my H is the type that hates ultimatums but I felt I had every right to issue one this time. I told him he had a choice to make. He either had to put her COMPLETELY & TOTALLY OUT OF THE PICTURE and make a TRUE commitment to me and our M or stay "friends" with the woman he had cheated with. He chose me and he wrote her a "good bye" letter. He received a "good bye" email from her (which he told me about). As far as I know he has not heard from her or contacted her since. I did ask him for awhile but then I decided that I'd probably never know for certain if he was lying or not so I stopped asking. He cannot make me trust him. That is something I have to decided on my own if I can do or not. Isn't it funny how that show you they can't be trusted and then they get angry with you if they discover you checked up on them (and ask you why you can't trust them)!!
If you feel the need to check the phone records then I think you should but just be careful what you go looking for...as they say,you might find it. I honestly hope and pray thet he is being honest and truthful with you. It has been a year and a 2 months since I discoverd my H was still in contact with the XOW and I am just now starting to trust him. But to be perfectly honest I sometimes have little doubts and fears come into my head. I guess that is something I am going to have to live with the rest of my life but he caused it. Oh,he doesn't know I have them. He thinks that everything is great (and it is really) and he thinks that I have gotten over it. The way I feel is that I can handle the ocassional doubt and fear and I don't need to talk to him about it. Besides all that would accomplish is make him think about her and believe me I'd rather not bring her into our lives!!
GOOD LUCK whatever you decide to do. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!! PAT
MATTIE.......HOpe you are feeling better today. I have had you on my mind a lot since I ready your last posts. I have said prayers for you and I want you to know that I am here for you!! Take care and let us know how things are going!! PAT
Thank you. Yes, I guess I am doing better today. H brought home a box of my favorite candy last night and since then my mood has been slowly improving. Perhaps a chemical reaction to the chocolate, huh!! Maybe I'll suggest that to H so he'll bring it home more often .
Duchess,
Taking it day by day is really the only solution, isn't it. I usually do pretty well with that, but not yesterday!!
Rachael,
I was going to respond to you almost exactly what Duchess did. I think you'd better decide what you'll do with whatever info you come across. If you don't want him to leave, perhaps you're better off just leaving things the way they are and just acting as-if you can trust him. Whatever you decide, just be sure you've thought through how you'll react and what you'll do IF the cell bills show her # on them.
I hope everyone is having a good weekend. I think we're going to the movies tonight. We went to dinner with friends last night and then over to their house for coffee. GF and I had an opportunity for some good conversation regarding my sitch. Really helped.
I think I'll go have another piece of candy now and then maybe a nap!! Didn't sleep well again last night.
HI MATTIE!! Hope things are going ok for you. I wanted to check on you before I leave for Florida tomorrow morning. Since you haven't posted in awhile I decided to drop you a line. I will be back Saturday so may not get to check in until later that day or even Sunday.I've been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself!! Pat
I haven't post on my own thread in a few days mostly because I haven't really had anything to say, but partly because I've been very busy with work. I started a new project last week which took up a great deal of my time. I had no time to think about my M. I haven't felt so good in a very, very long time. There is certainly great PMA power in truely thinking only of yourself, even if only for a short amount of time. My H actually jumped in and helped me solve some of my problems with the project (mostly computer related). I gave him a lot of stroking for that. I know it made him feel really good to be able to help me. He was proud of himself. I was proud of both of us. We worked well as a team.
I did "slip" a little, though, on Monday. Last week he composed an email to the EA, which he showed to me in order to get my opinion on it. It simply stated how he felt he needed to put a very sad chapter of his life behind him; how he wants to reestablish himself as a loving husband and father again; how whatever feelings he thought he had for her started to diminish immediately when they (H and OW) were "discovered" which led him to understand that his feelings were not love -- love is what he feels for his wife and family; and that with our love and forgiveness and God's grace, he (my H) expects to achieve great things.
Well, that was last Tuesday and as of this Monday he had not actually sent it to her. I finally had to ask him about it -- I was getting really frustrated. I knew what the answer would be -- the same answer he always gives -- "I forgot all about it." Geeze. Give me a break. Why didn't he just send it immediately upon my "approval" (he WANTED me to approve of it, guys. Don't give me a hard time about that ).
I made mention of the fact that she was part of his thoughts everyday for well over a year (phone calls, cards, emails, etc.), and that I found it extremely difficult to believe that in the space of an entire week he wouldn't have thought about her at least once and that that would have triggered the thought of having to send the email. He told me he tries not to think about it (her) at all. I choose to believe that is because he feels very foolish about letting himself get caught up with her. I dont' know if that is true, but that is what I choose to believe at this point.
Anyway, he sent the email immediately -- forgot to copy it to me so I'd know he sent it!! Drove me crazy for an hour. I called him back at work and he said he'd "forgotten" to copy it to me!! He then did forward it to me so I could see that he did send it when he said he had.
I must admit that I'm getting really annoyed with him "forgetting" so much that is important to me. I realize that in his state of depression his mind is not working properly, but please!! Is it just me, or does he seem to only forget things that relate to me and my feelings?
Oh, at one point during the forgetting-the email-thing I told him it made me like he still hadn't "decided" what he wanted to do about OR. He replied with, "You're kidding, right?" I dropped it at that point. I realized my hormones were driving me at that point, and I needed to step back.
Other than that, things are moving right along. Tonight we're going to see "The Lion King." I'm really looking forward to it. It will be nice to do something different -- and in the middle of the week, no less!
Its not just you MAttie-My H still has not called for the cell phone bills I don;t think. I know he would say he forgot. He said he would do it and that her # would not be on there so I have let it go, but I know what you mean. Don't they know how important this stuff is to us?? I guess not. Your Sitch sounds very positive-I wish My H was bendig over backwards to prove I could trust him. I think he thinks he is in his own way-ha has beeen very loving. Gotta run! Rachael
Hi Mattie, Glad to hear you are doing better. I also wanted to thank you for dropping by my thread last Friday. You had brought forth some insight on my sitch that has really boosted my PMA Thanks again.
Last night was wonderful! We went to Hollywood to see "The Lion King;" had dinner at the "Sunset and Vine Diner," watched celebs going to the Latin Grammy's down at the Kodak Theater.
The show was spectacular. It was so much fun -- although I started getting a migraine during dinner, but it didn't get really bad until we got home.
The most amazing thing, though, was US. We had a great time TOGETHER. Really together, you know what I mean?
My H was so relaxed and so much fun last night. When we left the house he told me I looked gorgeous. The way he sat in his chair at dinner, and the way he smiled at me as we talked -- the look in his eyes when he looked at me!!! He had that soft look to his eyes again -- the look of being with someone you really enjoy being with. The look that I haven't seen in a very, very long time. I probably would have cried if my head hadn't started hurting!!
During the show he'd either put his arm across my lap and take my arm and tuck it through his. During intermission, we spoke about Act I of the show, and he still had that same soft look (with a hint of a smile to his eyes) that he had during dinner. He rubbed my neck to try to help my headache.
There was no intimacy last night. I took medication for my migraine and went immediately to bed. H was whispered "good night. Love you." We both slept. Guess what? The evening was perfect!. We didn't need the physical intimacy to make it perfect. We both know that now.
I had an evening with my REAL H last night. The one I fell in love with so many years ago. For at least one evening, all the hurts of the past were forgotten and it was just the two of us again. It's been a long time since I've felt it's just been the two of us. No ghosts sitting by either one of us. No one else inside my H's mind diverting his attention from me. He was all mine.
I realize there is still a lot of work to be done so that the man I was with last night shows himself more often and finally decides to stay permanently. But having seen that man again, even for a short time, gives me the strength to keep going.
I said that he had not only broken a promise but looked me in the eye and lied about it.He said she emailed him and sent him a card on his birthday back in April and asked if they could at least be "friends" and he saw no reason why he couldn't ocassionally email her!!(said he felt "guilty" that he had used her and hurt her!!) I asked how he thought I could continue to work on our R if he had her still in his life. He said she wasn't "in his life"!! MEN!!!! Anyway,my H is the type that hates ultimatums but I felt I had every right to issue one this time. I told him he had a choice to make. He either had to put her COMPLETELY & TOTALLY OUT OF THE PICTURE and make a TRUE commitment to me and our M or stay "friends" with the woman he had cheated with. He chose me and he wrote her a "good bye" letter. He received a "good bye" email from her (which he told me about). As far as I know he has not heard from her or contacted her since. I did ask him for awhile but then I decided that I'd probably never know for certain if he was lying or not so I stopped asking. He cannot make me trust him. That is something I have to decided on my own if I can do or not. Isn't it funny how that show you they can't be trusted and then they get angry with you if they discover you checked up on them (and ask you why you can't trust them)!! 
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Pat 
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Thanks again.