And I'm Still Learning

[nw626]

I could not even tell you because I have no clue...
It will be interesting, that's for sure.
My W just came back to ATL this morning for work stuff and she probably will stay till at least Monday.
I can spend more time with my S. I will just treat her as a house guest, that's it.
Actually I am pretty clam. I guess I am really detaching.
I don't think she will talk to me about R/M since the OM is still in the picture.
Anyway I will be ready if she brings it up.
I will keep you posted. I may be MIA in the next few days.

Have a great weekend.

NW626

[Tawnya]

{{Beth}} OH you know..Michael Vartan..what can I say about him but WOW..he's a hottie..and I'm not big into "this guy's cute, whatever.." but HIM..definitely

I LOVE that all of these people love(d) Alias..you know, I'm a total girly girl too..but I love shows like that, I think that's "who I'd be if COULD be tougher" you know..and, working for the CIA like that..tho I'm sure it's not totally like that, would ROCK..but..oh well LOL

You know, I wanted to go to the shooting range so badly after hub announced this, I just thought, that would be totally something I liked to do when I did it ages ago and would be totally out of character for me..there use to be one RIGHT down the road that moved like an hour away..LOL..go figure..now that I want to do it..I still need to go one Sunday because they have some sort of special that day with like so many rounds and a lesson and stuff for like a special price..

{{Beth}} I tell you..someday we have to meet up..we must be long lost sisters LOL

Tawnya

[VeronicaV]

NW626 - I will keep good thoughts for you this weekend. You are really strong and will handle things really well. Come back as soon as you can to let us know how things went and how you are doing.

Tawnya - There is a book I read, I'll find the name, that was written by a woman who joined the CIA. She wrote about the training and her work. As you said in your post, it was nothing like Alias.

[Tawnya]

Beth..I'll have you know, oh I should post this on my thread too, I went looking for one of those Krav classes, not one really right around here BUT, while I was looking, I found this really COOL looking Tai-Chi, but different class and they also teach women's self defense and mixed martial arts classes, and I emailed to find out about it..they had a you tube video and it looked really cool..so..thank you for the idea to get me rolling with it

Hopefully I'm off to bed soon..you?

Tawnya

[VeronicaV]

So I just decided to set a new goal for myself: I will take a vacation by myself.

This will be a big step for me, HUGE. I have traveled alone to and from places, but always gone to visit a friend or family member. I have never picked a place I wanted to see, made the arrangements and then just gone there and enjoyed/entertained myself.

It is also big because, given the current circumstances, being alone in the quiet is a challenge. So babysteps. It will be an extended weekend and it will happen well after the holidays when any turmoil I experience will be settled.

I learned how to trot during my riding lesson this morning. If you have not ever done this, trust me when I say it is not as easy as it looks. But, for a little while, I managed to do it. My instructor said that while my technique needs improving, the most important thing she saw was that I am not afraid to do it and that is key. She said her students with fear of falling are too stiff and rigid and never get the feel of the flow of the horse. As a result, they never really get past walking; they never really become riders.

So I thought, I need to stop getting in my own way. I need to stop letting fear dictate what I do, when I do it and how I do it. I thought about how much the fear I feel about H must be making me too stiff and rigid in my own life. I thought about how much other fears I have are inhibiting my ability to go with the flow so to speak. If I want the best life I can possibly have, I have to free myself from fear and try things.

Just a thought I wanted to share.

Beth

[I'mstillhopeful]

Hi Beth,
I've read some of your situation but not all. There have been so many times I have read your posts and thought to myself, "She really gets it." You've chosen some very life-enhancing activities to pursue. I wanted to tell you that I think that your mindfulness will definitely pay off.

The only thing I have to add is that at first I was terrifed at the prospect of taking some of our "anniversary trips" alone. However, I found that I really enjoyed myself. I remembered that when we travelled together H complained on a fairly regular basis. Being on my own was a truly liberating experience. Not only that, I had FUN! There is something very nice about not having to negotiate the schedule with another person.

Good for you, I really think you are doing all the right things.

[Tawnya]

{{Beth}} That is SUPER insightful..I'm always amazed at times where insight comes in the darndest places doesn't it?

You know..there is a trip some of the gals on here are taking just up in VA, I am going, if you are interested in a girls weekend That's why I had asked if you were in the alt universe on FB

Tawnya

[Tawnya]

Hopeful..you are very brave and smart to take those trips alone, like Beth..you guys amaze me..I may have to try to take a trip somewhere totally alone..what a concept!

Tawnya

[JWM]

Tawnya, how do we find each other in the alt?

[VeronicaV]

ImStillHopeful - Thank you so much for the kind words. I am glad to hear that someone thinks I get this. There really is a lot of doubt in this entire endeavor, isn't there? Some of it comes from the DB process being so counterintuitve, some if it comes from the shock of having lost a relationship one felt so certain would never tarnish.

Your words came a very good time. I am feeling a bit down this afternoon, in between GAL activities. I was just thinking about something my IC said to me yesterday. He believes my H will dig his way out of the depression or MLC (he has met my H once and heard plenty about hin from me). But something IC said planted a disturbing seed.

I felt a lot of relief when I concluded H is depressed or in the midst of MLC because on a gut level, I knew that meant he'd be back here, someday. Yesterday, IC said have you considered the possibility that once H recovers, he may want to leave it all, his job, you, the city, maybe even the country? I replied that I had certainly considered it, I fear it all the time. I have not sorted out why this put a bee in my bonnet, it just has.

It's gloomy here today, too. Also having a negative impact on the mood. Unfortunately, I do not have time for a run before my evening plans, so no endorphins for me today.

I like your perspective on the traveling. My H is the type who has to pack in as many activities as are humanly possible on any given day - you know, a man - so traveling without him will certainly slow the pace to a more acceptable one from my perspective.

Tawnya - thanks for sticking with me. It always puts a smile on my face to see your name on my thread. I know I will feel like I just got a great big hug. I really needed one right now.

Got to shake this mood off, it is not doing me any good at all.

Thanks to you both,

Beth