I sent you an email on FB. It is a little brazen, but it makes a statement about how you want the relationship to be, and hopefully OW is not doing the same thing.
Kalni, I love you. I need to be mad, I think, to do this. And I am mad.
Do you want to know my deep dark secret truth?
I am afraid to let myself get mad b/c if I get mad enough and look at this clearly enough, I don't know how I could ever live with him again.
He racked up over $1000 in phone sex bills in the 2 year period before we got married, but we were dating/engaged
He cheated on me in Tokyo with a stripper in '99 (We were married in '97)
He cheated on me for 6 weeks (if not longer, that is all he will own up to) starting when our son was only 4 weeks old. With a woman he had never met that HE approached at a mexican restaurant/bar while out with his work friends. In 2002
He cheated on me for at least 14 months in 2007-2008 and that is only the PA part, not counting the EA part. He exposed me to possible disease and helped OW break up her marriage and her family (she has a then-4-yr-old boy).
He is setting the example for his son (even if S6 doesn't see it) that a dad/husband does these things....
He leans on me now for friendship and support when he wants to, but he also pulls back and does what he wants (staying out all night) when he wants to.
And I am setting the example for my D that it is okay to love and support a man who does these things to you.
And I tell myself that I am being a good Christian woman/wife/mother because I love my husband 'no matter what'.
Guess I know what I need to do. The question becomes when/how. I am thinking sooner than later just don't know the how. I should probably be cool/calm/controlled instead of furious/crying/screaming....
The honest truth is if I let myself see H the way other people who know the story see H, how could I possibly want him close to me? And I guess that is what I am hiding from here.....bc I hate failing, I hate losing, I hate breaking up my family. But I didn't take those steps, did I...
excuse me for horning in on your thread. i have been following the misadventures of Dan and praying for you and the kids. just my very humble opinion. it has to start with Your sanity. h sleeping on couch and interacting with you, when He feels like it, just makes you feel used. like woog said. break it down into bits. if you do YOUR own thing like you suggested, i think it might help you. but with one eye always on Dan, waiting for a reaction, its just going to keep things stagnant and really mess with you. Don't let Dan drive anymore. do your own thing.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
I guess I am the good girl who feels like I am about to do a 'bad' thing.
I am imagining my son's face when I (we) tell him daddy is moving out--again.
My D will cry for her daddy when he is not around, she already does that, but she will still see him a lot and is young enough I don't think it will hit her as hard now, maybe later when she is older and sees how the D changes everyone's lives, but now she won't see it.
It will hurt/change S. It did the last time. He didn't sleep well, cried more, got angry a LOT more (kicking/yelling/raging at me b/c I was the one there to rage at), wanted to sleep with me, etc.
But having a mommy tied up in knots is bad for them, too.
I think it is just that 'you can't un-ring a bell' thing...
You said that you dont want to not spend holidays with him as then you will be the one 'pulling the plug' - I dont think you would be, it doesnt have to be 'it', just becuase you take a stand to not play happy families with him over the next few days?
Also you said, you wanted to do the family stuff with his and yours to let him have a chance of what you have and how good you are together, (to make him rethink?). I am not sure this would work. In fact, seeing as he initially said he wanted to duck out of these gatherings, I think going through the motions with him at them could just be more pressure.
What might work more.. is him NOT getting to go with you and the kids, not getting to spend holidays/family celebrations, missing out and having the space to own his own decision and feel the consequneces of it? As an outsider, i would say that was more valuable a weapon.
So put your foot down, dont play happy families.. can you stall your kids? Can you fib and say Dan has to do farm stuff, or just dont get into why he isnt there? You dont have to make a big announcement just yet? I dont know, if there is another way...
Lastly, you said.. "He cheated on me for at least 14 months in 2007-2008". Whoa. Thats not great, not on the back of the other incidents you listed. He would have to have worked VERY hard to rebuild your R and your trust after that.. has he?
You deserve better/more...christian morals dont come into that equation, IMHO. True of lots of us here though hey.
Sorry you are going through this right at holiday time, seems to be a theme around here. Its like, these selfish WAS's cant stand the pressure of keeping up a happy pretence and they just have to blow, nevermind waiting till January hey? (as I wish my ex had done last year).
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I have been keeping up on your sitch but I don't think I've ever posted. I am certainly no expert and am reluctant to give advice when I can't seem to follow it myself for the life of me! But, when I read about the numerous times your H has been unfaithful over the course of your M, when he has a warm compassionate woman like you at home who is able and willing to give him unconditional love? I just don't understand this. The man is obviously short a few cards in his deck!
IMHO, the biggest concern is the example he is setting for you kids, especially your son. The damage this behaviour can do to your son if he grows up with this is huge! I'm not just talking about how your H hurts S6 directly by his behavior, but about the lasting repercussions your S6 will feel when he reaches manhood and tries to have his own relationships. This type of behavior has a tendency to repeat itself! And, actually, this obvious disrespect for you and women in general can have real lasting effects on your D2 as well!
I know the holidays are a special time, but "putting your foot down" at this time would obviously show him your strength and resolve, and may be what he needs to make him begin to think. Maybe not, but "more of the same" isn't working, so perhaps it's time to take another tack.
Take care!!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
I like what Ali suggests in having Dan not around to fake the happy family during the holidays.
I have to be frank, but reading your list makes me think that he will cheat again in the future.
The kids are indeed getting a long term lesson in life. As I told Mules, indecision will be like a knife through their hearts that just keeps getting twisted. BobbiJo, you need to be the one to lead and not analyze his every move. And most importantly, dont be an enabler that allows him to keep with the status quo like Jeff's wife has been living.
Oh, boy, I didn't realize how deep and long of a history of "extra" activities he had. I'm not sure how you've gotten this far, it says something about your amazingness! But, it seems to me that he doesn't realize that he has a problem, and it is clear that he has had a problem, since before you were married. If he isn't working to fix him, there's no way (IMO) that he is ready to try to "fix" your M. I think that he needs some serious boundaries, and conditions. For one, he has to have some IC, I think, to get to to the root of his "addiction". I don't think he's up to it, but you could give him a chance to prove me wrong.
It's funny, as I was reading about the sofa, and no touching, and doing stuff with the kids, I was thinking about my W. Kerry hit it on the head! I have been enabling her, the letter has cracked that a bit. You just need to crack Dan's head!
Tough time of the year to be going through this...is it ever a good time? After reading Dan's past "indiscretions" in your post above, as much as I try to be positive, I just don't see the long term viability of your relationship. I am not surprised that this has been going on for this long because I have been there myself. BUT BBJ, there comes a time where we need to take a good long look at our relationship or marriage and face the inevitable. I think you know as I did what needs to be done...I think like me you hesitate for a few reasons but the biggest one is the kids....they will be ok., you will be ok....heck you will be better than just OK, you will be GRRRRRRRRRREAT!
