H is deer hunting. He's down at our place alone though, so he's lonely (no TV) and keeps calling. It's kind of odd...normally he can go for 3 or 4 days and not call one time if he has friends around.
Last weekend was different though, he made a point to call a couple of times and tell us he missed us. I think he did miss us. It's surprising.
I want to explain myself again about why specifically I was thinking about postponing S12's counseling appt...I am thinking we would have better success if we waited just a bit longer, for one thing, my son's last game is tomorrow and we are finally done with all that stress, and H really needs to get well, and the holidays are of course coming...my gut feeling is that throwing that in just this moment will be counter-productive at this point.
I need more time to work on my Al Anon program as well. I am going to call a couple of people from my group and discuss it with them. They really put a lot of stock on getting stable yourself before you try to do too much about your situation. Gotta put on my oxygen mask first, as the saying goes.
So I am not postponing for my son in some procrastinating, chickening out way...I want to do it the best way possible...and emotional abusers can become worse with counseling. I need to tread very carefully.
This post may be a bit dangerous. Hope I don't upset you. But I wanted to add something to your recent story about S12.
I don't agree with the way your husband treats him in any way. And I totally believe that these comments make your son feel bad.
But... We've talked alot with our C about our S14. C notes how male kids of that age will, by their nature, try to maximize their situation. So, for example, our son will often approach one of us and tell us that the other parent was mean to them. He's learned that when he does that, the parent tends to shower him with extra love and attention.
So I'm <not> trying to say that your son is making this stuff up! I'm just saying that things like writing the note and presenting it to you may be a small attempt on his part to gain more affection from you. Just something to keep in mind.
I also think delaying S12's counseling would be fine. We have talked with our C quite a bit about whether our S14 should get C. The C is rather ambivalent on the topic. He can see some benfits. But he also notes that having a kid go to counseling sends a message to them that something is wrong. And alot of times they end up thinking that something is wrong with them (because they are being sent to counselling).
In reality, it would be far better if H went to counselling to get help dealing with S12. But I know you know that.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Well...S12 has been to counseling before, for anxiety problems (wonder where he gets that from??) once when he was 7 and once back in the spring, around the time his dad was diagnosed with cancer. In the spring he was having problems being in crowds, riding the metro link, heights..etc etc.
That's faded, but his pediatrician thinks all his headaches and stomachaches and sleeping problems, and even crying jags sometimes, are signs of depression/stress whatever.
So it's more than how H talks to him per se. I get to witness that for myself.
I will think about what you said though...maybe he's playing me somewhat...but when his dad is on him all the time, maybe he needs some extra attention anyway.
Also, back just before we had to stop with the counseling, the doc wanted to have a sitdown with H and me, and he was really angry about it, before anyone even said anything! He said we were paying her to fix HIM. And she had said the conversations about sports were to stop, that S12 had a coach and to limit our conversations to positive comments only. Well, he wasn't having any of that either...he was very angry about that as well. It's his JOB to critique S12 (he LOVES to say he's trying to HELP you when he's running you down. Funny how he doesn't need any "help") I am switching to a male counselor, because we had already reached the point where anything he didn't like that she said was because she was a "liberal woman." Bad enough that she was a woman! I think he'd let Sarah Palin counsel us...but that's about it.
H has some interesting ideas about women.
He'll say things about how stupid women are, and they shouldn't be allowed to vote (half kiddingly), and then he'll say, well I'm not talking about YOU.
We don't do winter sports, thank goodness...most of his friends have already started basketball. If we did that I would be a basketCASE. LOL.
We spend most winter weekends at our place in the country...riding dirt bikes, etc. Then baseball starts...this next year is hopefully going to be different. I could write a novel about the whole psychotic baseball culture in this town. I love sports and think they're great for kids...but the potential for problems is great. Anyway that's another story.
H is driving back in from his hunting trip to come to the game and then going back down...taking S9 with him. So S12 and I get to chill tonight. He seemed happy about no little brother on the horizon for tonight. Maybe we'll go to the movies or something.
I feel mentally pretty good today. I vented a LOT of stuff with a couple of friends last night, and today I woke up feeling much less burdened. I feel like "taking life on" again.
So...interesting time at the Big Game. S12 didn't win but it was a hell of a game and they still got 4th place trophy for being in the finals...and this his team's first year in the league. They rock!!!
So, inlaws come to the game, because it's the last game (they didn't come to the other 18 games, of which they only lost 2). We were in different parts of the stands, because I was a little late, and I was having a blast with my team parent friends. Finally hook up with the whole family at halftime.
I say next to FIL whilst he gave a running commentary of what everyone was doing wrong. Well....we were losing to a better team. They were better. It happens. Every single word out of his mouth was to criticize a player and what they "needed to be taught" as if he has a f#@*ing clue about a single kid on that team, or the coach, or hey...football!!!
He kept dogging this one kid, who was probably our season MVP...and I looked at him and said...you know what, that kid is the REASON we are AT this game! I said it sweetly...anyway...he kept going on about #X...I got up and walked away. They got away on us and scored and I could hear both inlaws going Geesh...like totally rudely. I just kept away from them. They are like the plague of doom.
Anyway. The point of this story is just that they are SO negative even when they don't know WTF they are talking about. And furthermore...does everything need to be SAID??? Who the hell do they think they ARE in the first place? And yet that's how they treat everyone else...like, who do you think you are? You're nobody.
Oh well. I've vented. I had a great day really, all except for the half hour of my life I had to sit near them, thinking about the poison they spread thru the family. All while being "supportive" and coming to the big game! Yay!
Can't wait for Thanksgiving!! Four whole days together.
I had a great day really, all except for the half hour of my life I had to sit near them, thinking about the poison they spread thru the family. All while being "supportive" and coming to the big game!
....oh good..the earth didn't just split when I said that.
I've always thought I was was married to a good guy, who is sometimes abusive, and also drinks too much. Then over time I thought I was married to an abusive guy, who is sometimes nice, and also drinks too much.
But really...I'm married to an alcoholic. I have an alcoholic marriage. Which sucks, really. But at least I think I know what the actual problem is now.
To be clear to people reading the thread, my H is not mean to me when he's had too much to drink, instead then he's really lovey dovey (ick)...but it's the rest of the time that he's so difficult. I am learning this is not uncommon. Most of the time, if he isn't at work, he is drinking. He doesn't get really drunk and make scenes, but he does drink pretty steadily.
When it's bad he keeps an iced down cooler of beer in his car at all times. But it's not always like that. He manages, just like everything else, to keep it a level that's just under the radar of fullblown craziness...when it starts getting OTT I say something and he cuts back.
Basically, they told him not to drink when he started radiation, but he didn't stop. He stopped for a few weeks when the treatment was really bad, and that's the nicest I ever remember him being. That's when I thought...hmmmmm...is that why????
Anyway, he's really not supposed to drink anymore because of the cancer. Yeah right.
Like I was saying, I just thought this was ONE of our problems, and certainly not the worst one, because frankly, he's easier to get along with when he's laying on the couch with a buzz and not bothering me. But it's the problem that drives the other problems. His parents are the dry drunks that have to control to feel safe, because they were raised by volatile drinkers.
There are a handful of hardcore alcoholics in the family...I think H thinks if you're not as bad as so-and-so then you're not an alcoholic.
