How much should we know about OP?

[gsr1]

I haven't posted in a while things are tettering, thinking of distancing myself from H just to keep myself sane.
I'm still stuggling with thoughts of this "person", how much do we need to know about what they did for our spouses? I read that it'll help in putting our M back together. That way we can fill that need for them . Do I really need to know how she made him feel? Anyway so many questions? I just want to see if she was really worth all this pain I'm going through. I want to see for myself who she is. H said bad idea, he doesn't want me to have this visual images ingrained in my brain, he believes that would be the final straw for us. I said was she really that great? Would seeing her kill our marriage? H said no of course not but I don't know maybe it would?

So where do I go from here, trying hard to piece our marriage back together but his omissions still continue, if I don't ask the right questions he won't be forthcoming with anything I would need to know. So how can I commit to a marriage when H keeping things from me still, and each time something new comes out he says it the last thing that was left to tell. Why should I be vulnerable to him, with him not being able to be open and honest with me?

Other than this he has been trying to be there for me trying to be loving and being the father and husband he's never been before. Right now he really needs me for support and I want to be there to assure him but finding it hard to do with all this looming over my head. He said he doesn't want to waste time talking about A it's over and it'll never happen again that he is committed, I don't really know if I can believe that, having trust issues of course? Any advice anyone?

[Tipper]

Gsr1,

Just my personal opinion:

I think that the less we know the better.

My H was seeing a stripper for about 2 months before he realized that she just wanted his cash.

It is one of the most hardest challenges for me to get over yet.

I have learned however, that every time I would learn or hear about another fact about her it would only dissappoint me and make me feel more insecure.

She was tall, and gorgeous, and thin, with big boobs, and she was a bisexual/lesbian=(every guys dream). I am short and thin but kindof average, and I certainly dont want to offer my H another girl to meet us in the bedroom. So I dont compare to what he thought he wanted .

But he was the one that thought he wanted that until he realized he was not in love with her. And he then realized that he really did love me and missed me and he came back to me.

So I have decided that (a yr.and a half later) I will not bring it up again. I wanted to know at first. But take my word that it just hurts more.

You can learn from the general conclusions that you can draw on your own about their past R. But dont pry. It will not benefit you to know the gory details. I will never be a sexy stripper. But I will always be pretty, fun, caring, loving, and proud of my accomplishments.

So focus on you, and not his past. Dont bring things up again. Drop the topic and look forward to pleasing your H in new ways. You will feel rewarded for not being jealous and prying. You will have to trust that your H really wants to be with you and you only again. If he changes his mind later then you can deal with it then. But dont dwell on the past. Instead look to making a better future for you and your H.
TIPPER

[Kalni]

Hi,
I ve read there are 2 kinds of people, the ones that are satisfied with "general info" as Tipper describes and the other ones that need to "construct and deconstruct" the story of the affair. I am the second kind. I need everything. Especially since now we are trying to piece after a year of separation. It bothers me he probably had an affair (doesnt admitt it) but I need to know how it happened and right now how it ended and why...
K

But I do agree that once everything is out and discussed, the issue should not be coming up again and again... I have seen "her". It did matter then, it doesnt now.

[Silent Chrleader]

I too struggle with this issue. I feel that, for myself, I need to hear everything so I can then deal with it and put it behind me. It's like cauterizing an open wound. Hurts like he**, but in the end, there is less chance of infection. Also, if the spouse is unwilling to be open about it and learn from it, I think it makes it more possible to happen again.

In the book "After the Affair", it basically comes down to it needs to be the choice of the offended partner (not the offending partner). It should be their choice, but they then should be prepared to handle the information properly (calmly and supportively).

So, it's very much an individual choice.

[whatdidido]

If you do need specific details, etc. more than just general questions, I would suggest you do it in a counselor's office.

I will give you some perspective from the "other side". Bringing up the past is painful for the betrayer, but not just because of the guilt....For someone who who has had an affair, cutting ties with them and letting them go has to be all the way. Bringing them up in conversation and talking about them with you brings them up to the forefront of their mind again. They are trying to keep them out of their mind.

After telling some detail as minor as it is it will always be there from then on. For example, I ended up telling my H about the fact that the OM worked out. Now, every time we pass the workout place, or when I want to workout, or someone workouts on tv, or someone talks about a workout membership, etc,.....it's in the forefront once again not because they are thinking of the OP but because they are thinking how YOU are thinking about it, and you will be.

[gsr1]

Thanks Silent chrleader, Kalni and Tipper:

It is possible for it to happen again, and did. I don't know why I need to see for myself but there it is, he gave me a description so I know more or less but that is not enough, I know it will hurt me in the end but the need to know is great even if it means it may be over, he calls it sabotaging and that I have been doing it and that was exactly what he was doing when I was trying to keep my marriage together, the table has turned. I think it's important to discuss A get it all out. Everything, should be disclosed, to be done with it. It's his unwillingness to be transparent that is driving me to end this, I can forgive, but it won't be easy and I won't forget the pain won't let me forget. I'm trying and feel ready to get past this but the lies and omissions have got to stop and I tell him this but H's philosophy has always been deny, deny, deny.

[gsr1]

Yes, H did say he didn't want to talked about it because he doesn't want to think about her, ever. Wants her to be forgotten. But how can you forget about someone they claim to have loved once and your suppose to not ever talk about how that effects you. He now says that he didn't really think it was love, but from this side it sure looked and felt like it was. Risking everything for the OP is mindboggling. Thanks for letting me view the other side.