My second thread is about to be locked, I think, so I re-posted my last post:
Thanks. It really is such a long road. People here have been telling me this but it really only just started to sink in today when I saw H. He is so far away from being whole and well.
Working on the PMA. When H said he was not going to our vacation place for Thanksgiving, my initial reaction was, "crap, now he won't get the emotional kick in the butt I was hoping he'd get when hit with all of the memories." But, while I was out on my run, it occurred to me that he may already realize some things. Maybe he does not want to go because he knows it would be painful, maybe he is feeling some of the things I hoped he would feel.
I am still such a work in progress. I need to learn how to stop thinking about H and R constantly. I can get a break for only short little bursts (think 10 minutes or less.) I think this is why I have the breakdowns I have on Fridays and Saturdays.
Work keeps me distracted enough during the week, but I still think about it every spare moment and then by Friday, when I realize I am alone, it all just crashes down.
I decided to take today as a lesson for my weak moments. I had no idea H was going to call for a meeting. That just shows me that ANYTHING can happen at a moment's notice. And I am doing something right (with so much help fom all of you) because in less than 1 month of DBing, H has emailed twice and called today for lunch. Do more of what works and stop doing what does not work.
Running is a good thing. Let's you sort things through. This board is my life line. I would be lost without you all.
Bettou - You have come so far so fast. We are all so pround of you.
Like Tech said, try not to think about the entounter w/ your H. If you do, think of it as one of many to come.
Work on you. That is the most important thing at this point and I'm glad your not thinking of A. Your so much better than you were last month. I'm so proud of you.
Bettou - You have come so far so fast. We are all so pround of you.
Like Tech said, try not to think about the entounter w/ your H. If you do, think of it as one of many to come.
Work on you. That is the most important thing at this point and I'm glad your not thinking of A. Your so much better than you were last month. I'm so proud of you.
Well, here come the emotions after today's events. I guess I held it together pretty well because the tears are flowing out now.
I miss him so much. He looked so unwell and I am so scared for him.
It was so hard to sit there and be relaxed and act "as if." I felt like such a big fraud. Acting all happy and cool and calm, when I just wanted to grab him and hold him and make him come home.
It feels so awful to sit there while he kept his guard up and looking at his finger without his ring. I know I am probably making a bigger deal out of this than I should but it's just that the full force of the emotions that I kept locked up for the meeting are all gushing out now.
See, Loveshimso, I am not so strong.
I have never loved another human being like I love him and I just don't know what to do with all of that love while I have to sit there and pretend that I am okay with his choice to be apart.
And then, just now, I accidentally saw a picture of us and we were running together and laughing. This is during the time he says we were so unhappy and never had any fun.
You all probably think I'm a real nut. I have been crying and crying wanting this meeting and I finally get it and rather than being grateful, here I am crying. But I really do see the positives from today. I just had to cry and get this out.
I hope that in your H's moment of weakness that you stand firm and be a beacon of what he wants in life. In moments of desperation, we all gravitate towards that which provides instant relief. The more PMA you genuinely exude, the easier you make it for your H to turn to you for just a taste of what you're experiencing.
Keep up your GAL'ing and turn it up a notch. Plan, plan ahead! You know exactly when you're vulnerable to those nasty blues, so make some great plans for yourself. When GAL'ing, I tend to emphasize doing something new (new place to eat/drink, new people you've met, new hobby, etc.). Just doing something you're unfamiliar with really refreshes your mind.
Sooo...what's goin' on next Friday night?
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
You are an amazing soul. You know the pain of no contact and yet here you are all cheering me on. Thank you so much for that. You are helping me so much.
Okay, tomorrow's mission is to find some weekend evening plans. I am also visiting the Krav Maga studio this week to see about classes.
If you're a nut, then you're just one of thousands in a big can of Planters...
You crying now is expected. It's really tough holding back a wall of intense emotions, even if it was for half an hour. Let it all out now because you have a lot of work ahead of you...and hopefully this "work" will include a lot of fun
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
Thank you so much, Beth, for the kind words! You make it so easy for someone like me to give tips and advice to. In a week's time you've scheduled a few meetup events, planned to physically visit a Krav Maga class, recognized and currently working on nullifying your Fri/Sat blues, AND met with (not Thurs email...met!) your H and observably got him excited about what you're doing!
Um...like...WOW!
Just know that volatility is expected the next few months...you're going to see heavenly highs, but you'll also have death-defying falls. So long as you keep focused, work hard at keeping that PMA and GAL'ing up, you will trend upwards and onwards regardless of how things turn out!
Keep hitting that heavy bag of life! You can do it, Champ!
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
