I'll post the latest update to the letter in a while, I want to look at it once more!
W is coming home early from work today, and not going tomorrow. She is sick! Just what you need from an ICU nurse! She sounded awful on the phone, sore throat, headache, etc. A lot like Michelle sounded last week! I'll be nice, and help her if she wants it. I think she'll park on the sofa, stick a movie in, and go off to dreamland. The kids wanted her to get Kung Fu Panda, so I may have to watch, too!
Went to S10's soccer game today. He played keeper the whole game, and seems to be the best at it on the team. His team lost 4-3, but he made one save that had lots of people talking about it at the end. And he was happy.
I'm still planning to give W the letter Monday, though if she is still sick I might hold off a day or two. It's scary, really scary. But, I 'm ready to do it. It's time for things to change, and I will be ok. I've gotten to be pretty sure about that. I'm already alone, for practical purposes. And to "fix" that, the M either needs to improve, or end. So, here we go!
Sounds like the garage is opening..... I'm going to go see the sickie!
((((Jeff)))) can't believe I'm first. I'll take whatever your serving.
I know its scary, but the letter is really good and you have come so far. You will be ok, no matter what and we are all here for you.
(((Hugs)))
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
OK, here it is....please point out anything that could be better!
Quote:
Dear W,
Unfortunately this is not the kind of letter we used to write to each other years ago. I am writing this letter to share with you what is on my mind about our marriage and although I would prefer that you and I could sit down and discuss this together, I'm not sure I would be able to say all that I feel and also be heard. So for now, I am hopeful that this letter to you might help.
For some time now, I have felt like my contribution to this family is only to bring home a pay check, take care of the kids, and maintain the house. These are life's responsibilities of a father and a husband and I am doing my best, but I don't think that's all a marriage and a family are about.
A marriage is not only responsibilities; a marriage is also a relationship that gives the spouses joy, emotional security, companionship. That is what I am missing from our marriage. I need the friendship, the caring, the tenderness. In other words I I feel a huge lack of intimacy. Not just physical but also emotional and this troubles me deeply. I don't know how long it has been since we've shared a joke, a relaxed conversation, a smile, or a simple tender gesture of any kind. Not to mention how long since we shared the same bed, except when the guest room was being used. It's been years since I've received a hug or a kiss, or really even had you accept one. It's been even longer since we've made love.
At this point I have withdrawn and as you pointed out I've “switched off”. I don't disagree with that, I have switched off. To be honest after feeling physically and emotionally rejected for so long, it was the only way to protect myself from feeling hurt and I didn't know how else to react or how to even reach out to you.
Still I've stayed and I’ve tried to do my best, for myself, and the kids, and even for you. I have been trying to improve myself. It took me too long to get motivated but I am slowly getting a grip of my life. As you must have noticed I have changed a lot of unhealthy habits and have lost 15 pounds, which is important to me, and I plan to lose 15 more.
I have been going to a therapist for months now, trying to find out what I can do to improve things. For me personally but also for us as a couple. I asked you to go with me, but my attempt to reach out to you was declined. That said something to me, and it didn't leave me feeling too hopeful.
Maybe because this is the second time I feel that I am the only one that wants to save this relationship. Remember when we went to Retrouvaille? You promised at least one hug, or touch, every day. It managed to happen once. Dialog also ceased. I should not have let that happen, I think it could have helped. But I was told that I was the problem, and that there wasn't anything more to be gained. I can't help but feel that these issues were and are only important to me.
I have come to realize that we are not setting a good example for our boys for their future relationships and marriages. You have asked me this question many times: what example do I want to set for them. Well, this isn't it.
The worst part for me is that in switching off from you, I've also switched off from them to some extent, and that really disturbs me. I want to change that, yet I also know that some of the problems in our marriage are not mine alone to bear, and it troubles me to see little or nothing being done to fix our issues.
As I see it, our choices on how to proceed are very limited. Maintaining the status quo, as we have been, is no longer an acceptable choice for me. I can't continue to live the way we are. It seems to me that the only other alternatives would be to separate, or to commit to improving our marriage.
If we separate, things won't be as good financially as we had planned. It will be much harder to come up with the money we had planned to give the kids to help with college. And the state of the economy certainly doesn't help. But, I don't think those are problems that can't be overcome, though the solutions might not be perfect. Neither one of us would be as well off as we are now. But, I am not happy with the current state of our marriage and I am not willing to spend more years deprived of companionship and love because of the financial aspect of this.
I hope it is clear that my first choice would be for the both of us to fully commit to improving our marriage. We have a history, and we've created a wonderful family together. I have come to believe that love is a choice and a decision and I am willing to make that choice and work hard to create a better relationship with you that would make us both feel satisfied and happy. It will not be easy but it's not easy either to simply walk away from what we have created together.
I also want you to know that although sometimes I fail to let you know and show you I appreciate your commitment to the family, the boys, and even to me. You do so many great things for all of us, from helping with homework, to making great quilts, listening for interesting things to do, and not least of all working hard to make up for savings that I didn't make sure happened over the years. That's not to mention years of homeschooling, moving halfway around the world, and supporting a lot of my long business trips on short notice. I know that you are still a kind hearted person, I see how much you care for all of your friends. I'd like us to be friends again!
I remain hopeful that both of us are able to put our best foot forward towards improving our marriage. Not just for us although we both deserve a “better”, “happier” life, but for our family. The boys deserve every possible chance that you and I are willing and able to give them. I would much prefer this to the alternative.
Please think about this for a while before you respond, but please do respond. And respond any way you'd like, whether in another letter, or a talk. If we talk, I'd rather not do it with the kids around, so a letter might be easier from that standpoint. This is really hard for me to do, but I have come to the point where things have to change, and this is the best way I could think of to get that started.
Hey my friend, that is a wonderful letter. I hope that it is received in the way that you hope. It is a scary thing you are doing, but either way, you will be ok. It really is time.
You are a caring, compassionate, loyal man, deserving of much happiness.
I will be thinking of you and praying for you both.
You are a good man, Jeff. I know that this is a difficult step for you, but I am proud of your bravery and accomplishments. I think you are an exceptional man, and have the utmost belief that you will continue your journey through life in the same manner!!!
You are fabulous
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
