Cleaning out Clutter - ? For Men

[MsMelancoly]

Hhmm, How do I start this. I will give a bit of history before my question. I would appreciate any male perspectives.

H left/ran away over a year ago. I have been friendly through it all. H has had very little interest in contacting me. In August I forced a car trade & we had 2 R talks. I basically told him that I have spent this past year working on myself & changing myself. H admitted he has spent the entire year trying to forget. We talked about D. I told him, if he didn't have the time to work on our M that we should D. His mum was also pushing for D, because of my assets & his debt. In October he filed for D (I found out by looking online & haven't received papers yet). I am fine and at peace with D. I wasn't really surprised he filed without telling me. His way, is running away from problems. I believe he is controlled by fear & a fear of getting too close to any woman. (I figured this out by taking a good look at his past).

He has taken maybe 20% of his things from my house. I sent him a nice email after finding out about D that he could take the rest of his things. I even offered to help sell some of his things on ebay. (He did respond & said sounds good. And then another vague response that he doesn't get home every night until 6pm. So a yeah or nay on ebay selling - I don't know). You see, in our 2 years together he collected many things from garden trains to 60's astonaut toys to pirate toys to misc other things. (When he moved in he brought GIjoe toys & D&D figs). All of this is still here. As well as, misc household & nic nak things. Last week I delivered some of his outside things (his garden train, tracks, a bag of gravel, train town buildings & misc other things). I did email him to warn him I would be dropping them off. (I needed the extra room in the storage shed). I knocked on his door, when I made my delivery - just to say hello - but he didn't answer.


Onto my question. In the next week (for my work), I will in the area where he lives. I was planning on dropping off more of his things (clothes, halloween decore, his stuff from our bedroom & misc other things). Maybe 2-3 car loads of his things & then - leave him alone & wait until after our D hearing in Feb. Why do I want to do this? 1. I do not want to be the b*tch that gave his things to charity. 2. If he doesn't want to deal with me - that is ok. But I want him to deal with the life, the things he left behind. Also, I don't want to seem too pushy. Is this being too pushy??

Do you, men have any thoughts on my plan? I welcome any & all thoughts & feelings about this.

Thanx, for reading my post!

PS. During our R talk, he also did say that he would help clean out the clutter he & I both collected.

[fish823]

You are not being "pushy" you are being helpfull. I am sure many men on this board will confirm that many other women would have thrown the stuff in the trash.

You are taking the high road, keeping the peace and moving on with your life.

I see no problem with your actions.

[MsMelancoly]

Hey fish823, Thanks for reading my post & especially for commenting. I was hoping that it wasn't pushy.

I'm sure my H was happy to received a bag of gravel - lol -

[MsMelancoly]

Well update for self - self.

Yesterday, I took somemore of my H's stuff (more clutter not stuff he would need) to his house (I was going that way for work anyway). He was at work & I left it by his garage.

Today he emailed me back stating: Thanks for dropping stuff off. I will help with this you don't have to keeping bringing stuff out unless you want to. I have to get ready this week to got to Malasia for a month in Jan but I will get together with you soon too.


I emailed back stating:Nice to hear from you! You are welcome. I was in the area, hope it didn't get too wet (it was only supposed to be flurries). oops. I will be in your area this weekend - I was going to drop off some of your clothes & misc. Let me know if that is ok or not? I know you said you would help - I'm still holding you to that .... by the way ... So are you going to Malasia? WEll, hope all is going great for you! L8ter back at ya

Is he finally opening up?? Hhmmm. He never initaites emails & if, if he replies only a sentance. Does not really tell me what he's doing either. Very strange that at work when I emailed him back it never crossed my mind to email anything about us meeting. Guess, I just don't expect us to meet up & have 0 expectations of it.

Ofcourse, I want to bring him his stuff, so he can deal with the life & the things he left behind. This weekend was going to be my last of delivering things (still would be atleast 50% of his stuff here). And then not contact him until after the holidays. (Last year I was a true basket case during the holidays). I will not repeat that this year.

[MsMelancoly]

Guess I'm jounaling to myself.

I dropped some more of my H's things off at his house yesterday & today. Today he actually came out of his house to help me!! Wow! We chatted while unloading my car. It seems I have not gotten D papers because he has been afraid to have them sent to me. Has to have a sherrif or someone give them to me.

Very strange to see how fear controls his life. He was also afraid that I was mad at him. He asked about coming over tomorrow. I said he didn't have to, if he wanted to ok. We shall see this is all so strange.

[MsMelancoly]

Well, H was a no show tonight - can't say I didn't expect it. Not really sad or disappointed. It is what it is.

Yesterday, I brought up a bit of R talk. Saying that I realize, that when I got too close to him, that he pushed me away. And that becasue of his mum & grandma that he might push people away when they get too close. I might have done the same thing to him. Not good DBing & probably pretty heavy stuff. When he said he was afraid of me, I said he didn't have to & that I have always loved him & always will.

I suppose I need to find a 2x4 for meself.

[AliSuddenly]

You may as well say these things MrsM... what have you got to lose at this point? And maybe he will do a little thinking whilst he is away in Malaysia.

Its good that he emailed and came out of the hosue nad offered to come by and see you.. but shame he didnt. I bet he did WANT to, but then chickened out..he seems avoidant in the extreme, like my ex and otheres on these boards (thats how come we are all here I think ! If we had emptionally healthy/open partners, we wouldnt all have been blindsided like this!).

Well done for clearing out his things, that was brave of you and no, I dont suppose he minded and was probably embarressed that he wasnt able to face up to getting his stuff.

My ex left some CDs here (and all our photos of course) but I would never have the guts to broach that with him. I guess its just past now. Maybe one day he will want some photos, they arent just me, but 9 years of friends and family too. Sad isnt it?

How are you coping then, now that you gave his stuff back?
Al xxx

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Ali, Thanx for visiting my part of the world!!!!

And thanx, for the update that today is communication day. I sent my H an email, put my fate ruine necklace on & when I got to work he had emailed me back. Yeah!!!! It seems he had to take his friend to court last night & is very stressed from that & his job.

You are right I have nothing to loose by R talks. You see this is my plan, to make my H deal with things. Maybe it's only dealing with his possessions ... but it's a start.

My H's things - aaahhh - I've only delivered some of them, probably 50% is still at my house. He said he would help. I said, I was holding him to it Taking my H his things is a strange feeling. I remember when my H took his things when I was home. I felt sad, that it was the end & each thing he took, was one less piece of him there, one less thing to hold on to. Taking him, his things makes me feel in control. I am doing what I want to do & it feels good to have less sh*t in the house. I wonder ... does he know feel like I did??? Almost like I'm pushing him out of my life - yet he chose to leave. Really, I'm not pushing him out of my life - just pushing his things into his new life.

[MsMelancoly]

So here's what I wrote my H today:
Hey J, It was good to see you on Sunday, Thanx for helping me.

So I guess, last night didn't work out. No problamo, I'm cool! Mondays are rough, so I'm sure you were tired. I've had a rough 2 weeks & was beat, myself.

I know why, you think that I'm mad at you & why you are afraid of me. You forget, I know you. I know how you deal with relationship problems, the only way you have learned & know how to (& were taught by your parents). I understand. It's ok, You can choose not to be afraid of me. Really, I'm not mad at you. I control my own happiness now.

You missed out on a yummy pizza & an excellent martini - if I don't say so myself!! Guess, I forgot to offer that. Well, maybe another time if you choose.

Have a great day!!

Take Care ~~A~~

PS. If you go to NE will you please get my things from your mom? If you go to the good life, safe travels, have fun & watch out .... the bridges may be icey ... even in the summer! <lol>

His response:
I had to take Bob to court last night I had forgotten that. Yes my mom said she could not afford to mail the stuff so I will get it. Oh god I am under so much stress with work and Bob I cant even begin to start. Talk to you soon ok.

My response:
I understand. I can't even imagine the stress you must have. I am very proud of you & know you can handle it! If you need to vent about Bob or work, I'm here for you. You can call me anytime. I will be a good listener (which I haven't been) - I promise. (I will stop the us talks too - my bad). L8ter fancy pants F, ~~A~~

[AliSuddenly]

Like it !!!! Well done! His response was good I thought.. he is definetly dealing with his own cr*p isnt he...saying "I cant even begin to start".. hes in a mess? (whose Bob?)

But.. talk to you soon ok.. sounds like a promise.. I WILL talk to you, when I can get around to it, face it...

Seems, we have some way to go yet with all of this?

Al x