I haven't posted my story before but I need some advice right now. My h moved back into our home last Saturday after living with the OW for about 6 weeks. One thing he said was that it was easier to come home and try to work things out but if that didn't happen he had somewhere to go. I am very happy that he's home, but I don't know how to act around him. I don't want to push him back to her but there are so many things that need to be said. He is still talking to this woman - I do not know if he's actually seen her. I have a feeling that he's not coming striaght home after work and that bothers me. I know that I need to confront him and get some answers, but I'm afraid to. This has been such a hard, long road to go down. I'm tired of feeling like this whole thing that he did was my fault and that I should be incredibly grateful that he has come home. Thank you all for any advice you can pass along.
There is no reason to be grateful just because he is home. If he is still in contacting the OW then he is still disrespecting you and cheating. You need to lay down some ground rules for him to be in YOUR home and the first one is no-contact with OW. Puppy is really good about this but so are some of the others on this board.
Honey until you show some respect for yourself and what you will tolerate, he will just keep doing as he pleases. If your firm stance leads to him walking away again, that is his loss. You do not need any man to survive or thrive.(no offence to my wonderful male friends on this board).
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Mo4 What were the circumstances that led to his return to your home? Were any ground rules set or did he just come back?
Originally Posted By: Mommaof4
One thing he said was that it was easier to come home and try to work things out but if that didn't happen he had somewhere to go.
This statement really bothers me. It seems to me that as long as he knows he has "somewhere to go" then he is still playing both sides of the fence.
Listen to Kat, shes a smart lady. You need to set some boundaries for yourself so you can reclaim some of your power. I agree with her as well that if you setting some boundaries causes him to leave, then its his loss. If he is 100% ready to commit to you and your M, then he will not have an issue with some "rules", if he does then he is just cake-eating and its to be avoided like the plague. I'm not saying this because I'm some great DB'r, more from the stance of learn from my mistakes. We are her for you.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Depending on how his actions are at home,i.e. love life or talking to you,I would act as hs is not needed at home and make it a point where you continue ith your life. Try not to talk about the other woman. If he comes home late maybe try to leave the house a before he comes home and let him wonder where you at. If he is cake eating that ill tear him up and he will start questioning you. You have show him what he has in you and yo wont tolerate his behavior by not telling him but ations. I hope this helped and its easier said than done but depending on where he at in his life he will notice that you will not tolerate his behavior just avoid arguing with him
The circumstances around him coming home.........I'm not exactly concrete on this. I didn't even know he was moving back until that morning. This is one of the things I have to get an answer to. I've been trying to get someone to watch the kids for me while he and I have this talk. I plan on covering expectations, needs, and so on. I also plan on asking him to cut all contact with her. You are so right, Kat, I don't feel any better just because he moved home. I feel like he's still cheating and it's causing more and more hurt.
Momma, I am so sorry you find yourself here. {{{HUGS}}}
But you are in the best place! Your going to find all the support you need here. I am assuming you have read the Divorce Remedy correct?
You may not have been perfect but that does not justify infidelity. So do not blame yourself, he could have gone any other way. Understand too that at times these betraying spouses rewrite the marriage history to justify their actions. I really don't think you should feel overly grateful at this point because he may be still in the affair. Grateful needs to be saved for when the marriage is fully recovered so don't feel bad about that ok.
Please GAL as soon as possible, I started salsa lessons after reading the book. You need to do this ASAP or you won't have the endurance to last the process of trying to recover a marriage. It's good for the betraying spouses to see you still continue to live. It makes them wonder as you should be in bed crying waiting on there crumbs. Go find a GAL activity thats fun and will help get your mind off of things.
Make sure you have self care right now, go get a massage or a pedicure. And then find out what H may have complained about in the past and 180 on those.
Ok down to business. I am happy for you that your H is back home but he should have had some kind of conditions before he was allowed back home. He should have agreed to no contact before this but here you are so now gotta go from here. There is another book I have read along with implementing the techniques from Divorce Remedy. It's called Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley. Can you go get this book right NOW! It give a great step by step for infidelity recover and the conditions for moving back home.
If you think he's not coming home straight, I hate to say it but he probably isn't. I say this not to scare you as it doesn't mean you don't have a chance. I think you do since he moved home. But you need a very strong plan to get the achieved results you want and that's real reconciliation and not false recovery or cake eating.
I understand the how do you act thing. Was there too. But my best advice is be cheerful and confident regardless of what you have done. Mopey and sad is not attractive. Try as best you can to find some laughter together. Laughter is a salve and medicine at times. And most of all be yourself.
Go get Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley and don't let your H see the book. Walk away or betraying H's hate is reading this kind of stuff. This book explains the addictions of infidelity and gives a clear plan and conditions for recovery. My Thread is Trying2Live-New Post #5 if you need anything.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Yes I would get this book quickly, don't talk to him quite yet until you have a strong game plan. He's already in the home so get your self ready. Read SAA and you'll have a better idea of how to handle this. NO contact is going to have to be an issue but read the book 1st.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Hi! My advice is the same as the others: read or reread DR and that will help you. Also Puppy is on a trip now, but when he gets back should be able to give you some great advice on what to do.
I do think the hardest, lowest point of my life was when I lived with my H while he had an affair with OW, going on dates, and trips, etc. I should never have allowed that. It hurt way too much. Karen
